Crush (verb) – To deform, pulverize or force inwards by compressing forcefully.
Crush (noun, informal) – A brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable and inappropriate.
Crush. It is a fleeting, intense, and confusing feeling. One that’s been tugging me in every direction ever since I’ve been feeling it, one that changes on the hour like how the sun moves in the sky. It makes me want to look someone in the eye and blurt out every emotion that passes me. But it also makes me feel severely embarrassed at the thought.
When I feel these moments of intense strength and blinded confidence, to express my inconsistent, crushing emotions regarding the manor, I turn to a pen and paper, or a connected friend. Crushes make an individual want to get everything off of their chest, and I feel like today, the most “romantic” day of the year is my small, ephemeral moment to let those feelings loose; no matter how insane they make me sound, how without reason they may be. What would I say, if you were standing in front of me?
I would say if you asked me when my crush emerged, my answer would not be satisfactory. Has it been there since we met, an undetermined time ago? The day you cut your hair, or the day you started speaking more confidently? Did I think we connected and just never did anything to analyze it further? Nothing will ever really tell the moment of inspiration for this awareness of you. Crushes just happen, that’s the magic behind them. All I know right now is that it exists, and that even though I already know the outcome is not in my favor I am grateful to be experiencing it.
Even if we exist in a perpetual conflict of interest, even if you never feel that crushing feeling for me, even if you may be feeling that crushing feeling for someone else, I am still grateful. I am grateful for when my face warms up and my hands get heavy. When my heart races for no good reason. For sensing your aura the minute I walk into a room. For the hairs that stand up all over when our hands brush.
I’m grateful for these insignificant, crazy feelings because it tells me that I can feel them again, when I told myself it may never be possible. When I’m all flustered, when I’m overthinking and being sensitive about the way you contact me, it reminds me that I’m human. That I can feel for inconsequential things reminds me that I can get over bigger things, like the loss of a parent or a huge break-up.
I’m grateful for these insignificant, crazy feelings because they make me creative. I write more, I think more, my imagination gets a crazy high. It’s something so delicate about crushing, riding along the line of fantasy and pain in order to live in this imaginary, unattainable world.
I’m grateful for these insignificant, crazy feelings because they remind me of my worth. When I’m crushing, I want to burst through every romantic boundary. I want to put the moon and the stars on full blast, let my hopeless romantic illuminate, make deep connections and share the tough stuff. And while my crushing self sells me on the fantasy of us doing those things together, with pamphlets and billboards and profit sharing margins; my side of reason tugs at the fantasy to remind me that those romantic opportunities are reserved for those who really want it. For those who are willing to give me the time of day and make it happen. My crushing self makes my person of reason say, “Wait a second…” and stand up. It reminds me that I deserve more than to wait around and bank on a brief, but intense infatuation.
Right now, my body and mind are in this gooey, mushy, crushy state of mind. I’m still getting flustered and feeling like an idiot around you half the time. I’m still crushing, being deformed and pulverized by my imagination, right in the middle of that brief infatuation. But I’m confident I can keep our friendship calm, cool, and collected. That it won’t affect the way things are now, and that you don’t need to worry about me. As I’ve said before, we both have obsessive personalities. In a few weeks, I won’t even realize I felt this way. At least that’s what I’m banking on.
So, in short:
I’m crushing on you.
But our friendship satisfies me.
Do I want more? Of course, right now, in this moment. But who knows?
I just hope you’re content.
And Happy Valentine’s Day.