Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez, Nicki Minaj, and….me?
I really don’t have anything in common with these beautiful, lovely women other than one large defining feature: our backsides. Throughout Hollywood and beyond, big booties seem to be all the rage at the moment. Entertainers and fashion designers alike have deemed it time for having a little extra junk in the trunk to make a Baby Got ~Come~Back (sorry, I couldn’t resist) after years of glorifying a much more slender figure. From Flo Rida to Meghan Trainor to Queen Bey herself, everyone is truly all about that base, and although I can’t speak for everyone, this big-booty gal is rejoicing. After a lifetime of hiding my butt with oversized sweaters and skater skirts, it’s weirdly refreshing to have a lifelong insecurity so thoroughly celebrated.
That being said, anyone with a juicy double knows that while some might be begging for a piece of that bubble, often it just causes us lots of trouble. As a girl who had her butt slapped when “Smack That” by Akon came on at her first school dance in sixth grade, I feel anyone else out there who sometimes wish that they had some smaller glutes. An old cheerleading coaches once told me, “your butt rules your world,” and, while that doesn’t actually sound too horrendous, I’m sure those with a blessed behinds understand that’s not always a good thing. Although there are certainly many more, these are among my top instances when being bootylicious is just plain vicious:
1. When you’re trying to find a decent pair of leggings.
We’ve all been there: you’re in the fitting room, just trying to purchase a nice pair of leggings that won’t reveal glimpses of the skin of your legs whenever you move. You pull them on, thinking they look pretty good, thoroughly examining your legs as you slowly turn around until…BAM, your undies make their big debut. *sigh*
2. When you’re sitting down, like, anywhere.
Okay, maybe not anywhere, but it definitely happens way more than it should. Sliding in and out of tiny desks in lecture halls every day makes me question the intentions of the evil person who designed such horrendous pieces of furniture: are you actually trying to trap me here, or just humiliate me in front of classmates?
3. When you need to fit through a small space.
Shimmying through a tight crowd? Sorry, no can do. Reaching for something under your bed? Think again, my friend. Skimming past other people at a sporting event or movie theater? FORGET ABOUT IT. My big butt and I will take the aisle seat, thank you.
4. When you’re just trying to use the elliptical.
…or the treadmill, or doing some squats, or basically anything involving working out the lower half of your body. Maybe this is all in my head, but I feel like everyone in the entire gym can’t help but gawk at my colossal behind simply because it takes up so much space. I can kind of see why a lot of guys are tempted to skip leg day.
5. When you’re simply walking down the street.
We can’t really blame the booty for this one—it’s entirely on the commenter’s lack of respect and decency. But honestly, whenever you hear the catcalls or even just feel unwanted gazes on your body, you can’t help but wish there was less of you for them to ogle at, or at least for a sweatshirt to tie around your waist. And while songs about big butts are more often than not total bangers, it just gives the peanut gallery more phrases to work with.
6. When you’re lying flat on your back.
Now that I think about it, I don’t think my lower back has ever touched my mattress. I can only imagine the lower back issues that thick chicks are destined to have in the future, or maybe already experience. Hooray for that arch!
7. And lastly, but certainly not least, WHEN YOU JUST WANT YOUR PANTS TO FIT.
Ah, the dreaded waist gap. I will never understand how this is still a problem. We put a man on the moon but we can’t make jeans that are intended for real-life humans whose butts might actually be *gasps* wider than their hips??? (Side note: this is another perfect occasion for your underwear to make a cameo)
In spite of everything, however, I wouldn’t trade my big butt for anything. Sure, it might rip my favorite pair of pants or get me stuck in small spaces, but at the end of the day, it’s beautiful because it’s mine, and yours is beautiful because it’s yours. My friends have told me my butt makes a great pillow and an even better space heater during the frigid Pittsburgh winter, and for that I’m proud to rock it. So no matter the size of your booty, keep shakin’ what your mama gave ya and don’t EVER drop that thun thun (unless it’s on the dancefloor, of course).
Photo credit: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7