It’s a fine line between having a conversation about politics and having an argument with a close friend or family member over a topic you both feel strongly about.
2016 has been the most politically charged year many of us have ever known. Not only do many people’s everyday experiences, but research into broader socio-political trends in the past few years have shown that politics in the United States have become polarized to an extent never before seen in American history.
As someone who habitually reads and writes about controversial political topics, I find myself regularly at odds with people I encounter, and it’s easy to feel frustrated by the existing social divide that makes it feel impossible to have a rational conversation with anyone. As someone who has talked politics both successfully and unsuccessfully with many people, I decided to compile some strategies for creating a constructive conversation whether you’re sitting in a cafe with friends or with family at the holiday dinner table.
1. People hate being wrong.
At first glance, this seems obvious. But, truly understanding this statement can put you a long way toward having the type of conversation you want. Being proved wrong is embarrassing and painful for anyone, because it implies either that you haven’t done your research into the topic, are too dense to understand the information that’s actually out there, or are just fundamentally flawed in your view of the world. Taken together, these kinds of insults can put even close friends and family members on the defensive quickly, especially if there’s a large age gap between you.
2. So, don’t make it about winning; make it about learning.
Instead, don’t make it about winning an argument, make it about understanding each other’s viewpoints, and perhaps even try to work out a resolution to the differences between your views. The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself, including one’s personal opinions. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up his or her mind to the listener.
3. Don’t try to “inform” or “educate” anyone.
True change, especially in our fundamental political views or conceptions about the world, take time and aren’t likely going to be changed by one conversation. Instead of trying to “teach” the person you’re talking to so that they reverse their position is almost never going to work. Again, it’s about learning.
4. Don’t make speeches and leave the charts/tables/graphs behind, if you can.
It’s pretty simple. Trying to create a conversation by monologuing about your views isn’t a conversation at all. Not only will the people you’re talking with feel alienated when they’re not allowed to respond to you, but they’ll probably view you as close-minded about the topic at hand and be less excited to engage in conversation with you.
Additionally, citing specific facts and details that you know about a project isn’t as impressive as you might think. If you’re anything like me, you probably have detailed graphs, charts and statistics on a topic you’re passionate about, like immigration or the wage gap, stored in your brain and ready to whip out at any moment. However, using facts to overwhelm others immediately turns a thoughtful conversation into a debate. Sure, certain details are relevant and inform a discussion, but really, people are more interesting in talking with you than sorting through a mountain of details.
5. But, maybe you don’t have graphs and charts. Then, admit that you don’t know.
Talk should never be empty or cheap. That would make conversation pointless. So, if you don’t know something or aren’t sure of what you know, be upfront about it. Doing otherwise does a discredit to you and others.
6. Listen and show respect.
Even the most challenging people out there will be more receptive to conversation when they feel like their point is being heard. But, don’t just pretend to listen, actually do it. Everyone you meet knows something you don’t. First, listen actively to learn about their perspective, then offer to share your own thoughts on the subject. This sort of listening builds empathy and creates room for understanding, instead of an environment where two people shout sentences at each other that just happen to be related to the same topic. Amaryllis Fox, a former officer with the CIA, talked recently about how she was able to talk with extremists whose actions she deplored. She said, “Everybody believes they are the good guy. The only real way to disarm your enemy is to listen to them. If you hear them out, if you’re brave enough to really listen to their story, you can see that more often than not, you might have made some of the same choices if you’d lived their life instead of yours.”
7. Stick it out.
Even if you come in with the best of intentions, conversations can still become awkward and difficult when the topic is challenging. However, if you truly value the opinion of your friend or family member, it’s important to work through awkwardness and disagreement instead of letting someone’s strong opinion about something shut down the discussion. After all, the most invigorating and inspiring conversations are about people’s passions, and that gets messy. Instead of letting an opportunity for growth pass by, look for common ground, refocus, and work through it. It may be frustrating, but hearing new ideas, or a new perspective, or connecting with others over today’s issues is worth it.
That being said, if the conversation degrades into a name-calling or a shouting match, it’s best to put the topic to rest.
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In short, conversation with anyone, even the people we’re closest to, boils down to being genuinely interested in the experiences of others. Keep this in mind, and getting talking.
SOURCES:
- Harvard Business Review: “How to Talk Politics at Work Without Alienating People” https://hbr.org/2016/09/how-to-talk-politics-at-work-without-alienating-people
- TED Talk with Celeste Headlee: “How to Talk Politics Constructively” http://ideas.ted.com/how-to-talk-about-politics-constructively/