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If Chicago Athletes were Cocktails…

This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Northwestern chapter.

Hngggg. I can’t. 

Kris Bryant: The Long Island Iced Tea

Team: The Chicago Cubs 

Height: 6’5”

Age: 24

Kris Bryant and the Long Island Iced Tea are truly two of a kind: incredibly popular, amazingly delicious and 100% infamous. These two are perhaps the most well-known members of their respective categories, and even though everyone knows they’re sure to screw you over in the morning, they’re just so damn smooth on the way down. I’ll take another… and make it strong. 

Recipe:  ice cubes, 1 ounce vodka, 1 ounce gin, 1 ounce white rum, 1 ounce white tequila, 1/2 ounce Triple Sec, 2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice, 1/2 cup cola, 2 lemon wedges

 

Canada’s most tantalyzing export.

Jonathan Toews: The Gin and Tonic

Team: The Chicago Blackhawks

Height: 6’2”

Age: 28

O Cocktail, My Cocktail! A classic, cool and composed choice. They may not be the hottest item on the menu, but you can’t go wrong with either of these two. They’re unparalled in their sophsitication and simplicity and they’ll never let you down. 

Recipe: 4 to 5 tonic water ice cubes, 3 ounces gin, 4 ounces tonic water, 1 tablespoon freshly squeezed lime juice, lime wedge for garnish

 

It was sorta a struggle to find an attractive picture of this dude, but hey, this one’s not bad, huh? 

Jay Cutler: The Margarita

Team: The Chicago Bears

Height: 6’3”

Age: 33

This is a good drink but it’s nothing to write home about…I’m not going to order it unless we’re at a Mexican restaurant. Much like Jay will always be best known for marrying Kristin from The Hills, the Margarita will always be best known for washing down the remnants of Taco Tuesday. Anyone down for some Chili’s?

Recipe: 2 oz Tequila, 1 oz Lime juice, 1 oz Cointreau (plus salt on the rim, duh)

 

 

 

I’m pregnant just looking at this photo.

Anthony Rizzo: The Craft Beer

Team: The Chicago Cubs

Height: 6’3”

Age: 27

The ultimate good guy and crowd-pleaser. Both of these are best enjoyed slowly: sit, sip, kick back and relax. This not just a drink, it’s a piece of art: crafted to perfection, much like Rizzo’s jawline. 

Recipe: I reccomend an Abita Purple Haze or a Flying Dog Numero Uno.

 

Those eyes. Those biceps.

Dwyane Wade: The Moscow Mule

Team: The Chicago Bulls

Height: 6’4”

Age: 34

This selection might be the oldest of the pack, but even with it’s age, it’s still an effortlessly cool selection. Soulful, sexy, and a touch vintage, it’s the definition of agining gracefully. There’s a reason why this choice remains a staple.  

Recipe: 4 oz Ginger beer, 1 1/2 oz Vodka, 1/6 oz Lime juice

 

Always a place in my heart (and bed) for you, #88.

Patrick Kane: The Bloody Mary

Team: The Chicago Blackhawks

Height: 5’10”

Age: 27

Not the best to look at but you know I’m still going to order it. A little greasy, a little funky and always strong, this cocktail is not for lightweights and is best enjoyed during the day. You’re not a real hockey (or booze) fan if you don’t appreciate this scrappy and scrumptious choice. 

Recipe: 3 large stalks celery, 36 ounces tomato juice, 2 teaspoons prepared horseradish, 1 teaspoon grated yellow onion, 1 lemon (juiced), 1/2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce, 1/2 teaspoon celery salt, 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt, 12 dashes hot sauce (recommended: Tabasco), or to taste, 1 1/2 cups vodka

 

 

**Again, all the photos and recipes thx to Google. You the #1 homie, Google. 

Danielle is an undergrad at Northwestern University studying journalism, or maybe econ, or maybe engineering... she really never goes to class, so no one's quite sure. Her favorite Northwestern traditions include chatting with Moe outside the Mark II, grabbing a venti black coffee from Norbucks (hangover cure, DUH), and complaining about how much Blomquist gym freaking stinks. When she's not busy picking which filter looks best on her most recent Insta, you'll find her hitting the town (or at least the frat quad) searching for new content (read: hook-ups) to fill her HerCampus articles. It's field research, okay?!