There’s no such thing as non-consensual sex. Without consent, sex isn’t sex, it’s rape. Whether you’re with a long-time partner or enjoying casual sex, consent is mandatory and doesn’t have to be a mood-killer. Consent can be asked for in a variety of ways, but it always requires a continuous and enthusiastic “yes!”
What consent isn’t:
Silence
Silence doesn’t mean anyone is agreeing to anything. They could be too afraid to say anything or not capable of saying “stop” or “no.” Check in with your partner, ask them some questions that are listed in the “How to ask for consent” section of this article to make sure they’re enjoying what’s happening. If they aren’t capable of answering you, STOP! If someone isn’t capable of continuing to give consent, there’s no longer consent given.
Loss of consciousness
If the person you’re being intimate with is NOT conscious, they’re NOT able to consent. I know this sounds ridiculous, but some people cannot seem to understand it.
The lack of the word “no”
Just because someone hasn’t said no, it doesn’t mean they’ve said yes.
Consent to one sexual act
Just because someone has given consent to a certain sexual act, doesn’t not mean that they have consented to another.
Sexual arousal
Sexual arousal is NOT consent to sex, or anything else. Just because someone appears to be turned on, doesn’t mean they want to act on it.
A previously existing relationship
If you and your partner have (or had) a previously existing relationship or have had sex 1 to 100 times in the past, this does NOT imply consent. Regardless of your relationship with a person, ensuring consent and checking in is still a must.
How to ask for consent:
Asking for consent doesn’t have to be awkward or a mood-killer. It’s a necessary part of engaging in sex, but it can look a few different ways. Here are a few ways to ask for consent.
“Do you want to ___________?”
This one is pretty obvious, but it’s the best way to have the person you’re with understand what you want.
“Do you like what I’m doing?”
Not only is this a good way to check-in and make sure that your partner is still down, but it’ll also let you know if they aren’t enjoying what’s happening, so you can put on the brakes or change it up!
“What do you want me to do to you?”
This is an easy way to dirty talk AND check in with your partner’s boundaries. Checking in to see what they’re comfortable with is a great way to encourage healthy conversation in your relationship and make sure your partner’s wants and needs are being met.
“What do you want to do to me?”
This is a great way to hold your partner accountable for asking for consent and making sure they’re checking in with you as well. Like any good relationship, the accountability has to go both ways. This way, they can explain what their plan is, and you can happily agree or say you’d rather do something else.
“What do you want?”
Or, you can stick to this more general way of asking what your partner’s boundaries are as well as stating yours. This also promotes the idea that sexual interaction is something both members play a role in; it doesn’t necessarily always have to be just one person doing something to the other, then vice versa.
“Do you want _________?”
This is also a great way to understand what your partner wants and likes! This a direct question asking your partner if they want something specific done to them. There are certain sexual acts that some people are never comfortable with and this is an opportunity for them to voice that.
Let’s walk through a scenario to really put this knowledge of consent to action.
Disclaimer: I’m using the example of two women in a sexual relationship because that’s the positionality I have. With that said, the same rules apply no matter what your sexuality is.
Two girls, Haley and Mikki met at a bar and have been flirting all night. Haley asks Mikki if she wants to come back to her place, to which Haley agrees!
STOP. Is consent given here?
No! Agreeing to come back to someone’s place is nothing more than just that: agreeing to go back to someone’s place.
Haley and Mikki order an Uber and head back to Haley’s place. Once they get there, they make their way to the couch and spend way too long picking out a Netflix show that neither of them plan on watching. After about ten minutes, Haley and Mikki start making out. Haley asks Mikki if she wants to move to the bed.
STOP. Is consent given here?
Yes, but only to continue to what they’re currently doing. Agreeing to move locations is nothing more than agreeing to move location to the bed, not to progress further.
Mikki starts to take off Haley’s clothes.
STOP. Is there consent here?
No, but there’s a quick way to get consent. A great way to tell if your partner is okay with losing clothing is asking them. This can look a few different ways.
“Wanna lose these?”
“You don’t need these anymore do you?”
So, let’s back up..
Mikki asks Haley, “You don’t need these anymore do you?” Haley says “nope” and they continue. Mikki seems to be leading and not sure if Haley is still down, so to check in she asks Haley what she want, and Haley replies “I want you to go down on me.”
BOOM. Consent given and they can carry on.
Things to remember:
1. Consent can be taken away at any time. Anyone at any time has the right to change their mind for any reason.
2. If your partner consents to sex with protection, YOU MUST USE PROTECTION.
3. Whether or not protection is being used, asking if your partner has been tested for STDs is always smart and warranted. Further, if your partner asks if you have been tested, they aren’t accusing you of anything; they have a right to ask!
4. When in doubt, STOP AND ASK FOR CONSENT! Don’t assume that the person you’re with feels safe and comfortable saying no.
It will never hurt you to blatantly ask if the person is consenting. It will only bring about good things, like orgasms. Sex is fun and should be enjoyed by ALL parties involved, but it should be taken seriously and the proper steps should always be taken.