We all have those “hot topics” in our communities. One has been on my mind lately and I started thinking about it constantly because it had to do with the way my own community could possibly perceive me — interracial relationships.This is a topic that has been discussed in the Black community for a long time. It’s really nothing new; there are articles,YouTube videos, and books on this issue. But it was a series of YouTube videos that really got me thinking about this issue more deeply.
The YouTube videos that really got me thinking were Why Do Black Men Date White Women, Are Black Women Jealous of White Women, and What do College Men Think About Natural Hair (simply because of the conversations it sparked in the comment section). Personally, I don’t care who someone is with. As I see it, love is not confined to color, ethnicity or nationality. However, I’m Jamaican, and most Jamaicans I know, including myself, aren’t raised with the mentality that Black must stick with Black, White with White, etc. Jamaica is a very diverse place, and a lot of “mixing” as we call it, goes on, so interracial dating is not a question for us. But when I moved to the United States, I encountered this issue constantly and began to inspect it a lot deeper.
I would say, however, of all the videos listed above, the most thought-provoking was Are Black Women Jealous of White Women, because one of the interviewees said that sometimes, when she sees a Black man with a White woman, she can’t help but think that maybe he’s with her because he thinks being with a White woman is better than being with a Black woman. I have heard the reverse arguments as well. That’s where I am extremely different. I had formulated the idea from early on that my sensitivity to others’ insecurities can only extend so far. Someone else’s insecurity about the amount of hate I may feel towards Black people. at the time of dating a non-Black person, was not my issue and not something for me to care about. In the same way, I also feet that someone shouldn’t have to feel burdened by who they choose to be with because they might hurt someone’s feelings in their community.
However, being Black, I do understand the foundation within which these insecurities lie. Even within the Black community, colorism is persistent and darker skin is often considered less than or not as beautiful. Even when I was in Jamaica, where people mixed freely, lighter skin was placed at a higher value.
Likewise, I’ve always felt that if you feel that one should date only within their race, it’s fine. Everyone is entitled to that opinion, and frankly I’m very comfortable with it. My problem has always been those, especially in the Black community, since I really cannot speak for any other, who place judgements on, ostracize others, or give them “dirty looks” in public because of their personal dating choices. And I also feel the same about those who shame other Black people for wanting to only date other Black people, calling them closed-minded and such. It is not. Maybe they feel as though there are cultural differences that cannot be reconciled or simply that it is wrong. Maybe you still think they are closed-minded, but is it really your problem?
In a Huffington Post article called “Black Women, Interracial Dating, and Marriage: What’s Love Got to Do With It?” the writer,Tiya Miles, made the argument that good Black women have less good Black men to take home because they are all “wooing white women.” It is important to note that she was fine with the relationships of her male relatives with White women and wished them the best, bust simply admitted that she does have insecurities towards any Black man-White woman relationship because as a Black woman she has felt devalued and undesired by Black men. It’s become a rising discomfort for me, because the conversation, much like in this article, only focuses on the Black man-White woman aspect of dating, and not the White man-Black woman aspect of it. However, there is a double-standard in this because it’s not only Black men that think such things; the fact is that there are so many Black women who feel that White men are better than Black men, yet Black men are the ones who get bashed for dating outside the race. Not agreeing with interracial dating is fine, but at least do it on equal grounds and don’t be a hypocrite about it, placing more blame on one party.
As I have mentioned, these things are an issue. Frequently Black men and women do date White men or women because it makes them feel good to be with someone lighter. It makes them feel better about themselves, and often they do denigrate their fellow Black women and men in the process. But in order to move beyond this, especially in this time where we are trying to accept Black beauty, you have to work through certain insecurities and start from scratch. Just like most Black people do not go around today holding White people accountable for the crimes of their ancestors, you cannot condemn healthy interracial relationships because of your own insecurities and initial feelings of distrust about the couple’s intentions.
For further understanding, I’ll use the best example I’m aware of to put this into perspective. In the light of the natural hair movement, some women with natural hair would bash those with weaves or relaxed hair saying that they do not love themselves. This came from the idea that hair straightening initially developed out of the push and exaltation of White beauty and the fact that most Black women still aren’t comfortable with their own hair and have a hard time loving it. I’m a proud naturalista, and have to admit, even I struggle with this.
However, there are many Black women who get weaves, perm their hair, or get braids because it’s convenient, they simply like it, or it’s almost sort of a tradition — something Black women or women in their family have always done. So, if you see a fellow Black woman with a weave, are you instantly going to attack her, saying that she does not appreciate her natural hair? Do you know her thoughts? Her reasons? And really, who are you to judge? While many Black people think in this way, I see them as just representing a small percentage, amplified by negative media. That being said, no one can be the judge of hearts. You cannot know what people in interracial relationships are thinking, so move on, date only within your race if you want to and let people be. In order for society to grow and progress, we actually need to allow people to be with each other out of love and without fear of judgement, and to achieve this goal, some thoughts and biases must be worked out, no matter how hard it is.
Images by order of appearance: 1, 2, 3
If you would like to write for Her Campus Mount Holyoke, or if you have any questions or comments for us, please email mt-holyoke@hercampus.com.