Hysteria is sweeping the nation. There are riots in the street, looting, people lining up at grocery stores stockpiling before the clowns approach our cities like the Walking Dead. President Obama has declared a National State of Emergency, and many cities surrounded by woodland areas have ordered mandatory evacuation. Whether or not government will even exist in the coming weeks is indefinite; never has our nation faced something so sobering, something so abysmal. Even if organized government manages to survive what is to come, the DOW is down, S&P 500 down by even more, and without technical support, NASDAQ is no longer in operation. Like a line of dominos, each day brings a new formidable fiscal calamity. One thing is for sure: the clowns have arrived, and they have brought mania and economic obliteration with them.
Everything that has happened in the past couple of decades: the housing bubble, GE bailout, the 2008 recession, Enron, the BP oil spill, Brexit – instigated by the clowns. Even the politicians running in the upcoming election are clowns in disguise. Why were we not able to recognize this dark foreshadowing? How did we not see this coming? Not even the most practiced and prominent analysts, brokers, CFOs, hedge fund managers, and other financial experts were able to see this crisis coming.
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I was able to get in touch with Warren Buffet for a brief phone call last week. We only were able to speak for a mere few minutes; he and his wife were frantically packing up, rushing to catch a flight on their private jet to an undisclosed safe house in the Alps. “It’s all over,” Mr. Buffet told me, his voice quivering against the unmistakable backdrop of dollar bills being shoved into a suitcase. “They’re coming, and we’ve all got to leave. The market is going to crash any minute now. I’d suggest you sell all you’ve got, and do it now. I’m talking bonds, stocks, everything. Leave town. Liquidate everything.” The phone line went dead, and all I was left with was the faint, eerie hum of the ended call. The phone rang again; I answered. “There’s no such thing as a free lunch,” Warren whispered. The phone line went dead again. Â
The list of economics perils is endless. Bloomberg’s homepage was replaced with the face of a clown three days ago, one of the first institutional pillars of our financial world to be infiltrated. This morning, the value of the dollar plummeted as the clowns commandeered the Federal Reserve, clown faces replacing those of Washington and Franklin. Prices in the commodity market are soaring as the clowns move out of the woods and into the more open fields and farmlands. It is only a matter of time until they reach our most populated metropolises.
What dystopia awaits us?
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*this is a satirical article*
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