I love The Office. I have binge watched the entire series seven times (yes, including the Michael-less seasons) and I have seen my favorite episode, “Casino Night,” more than 20 times. I consider it to be the greatest comedy television program of all time, if not the greatest television show of all time.
I also love college. Over the past few weeks at Kenyon, I fell in love with everything about the campus: the buildings, the trees, the mac n’ cheese, the classes, the rainbow sprinkles, and of course, the people. Therefore, today I would like to draw some parallels between two things I love: The Office and college.
The Trust-Fund Bro in the World
Now, most people who come from well-off families are kind, caring and unpretentious. But this guy…he wears Daddy’s money like a neon sign. He wants you to know one thing about him: how rich he is. He brought his bright red Range Rover to campus and when it rains, he purposefully pulls up to the curb and splashes girls by driving through a puddle. He doesn’t let anyone touch his sweet, sweet locks because “yo, this haircut cost $200, dude.” On campus, he travels with a pack of his fellow bros, all clad in Vineyard Vines; you’ll never see him alone. And with the ladies? Each time he hooks up with a girl, he announces it to his entire hall and made all the guys give him a high-five. But don’t worry; one day, he’ll blow all his trust fund money and end up being a temp at a paper company. Or he’ll get arrested for fraud.
The Kid Who Loves Acapella a Little Too Much
You know how everyone is obsessed with Hamilton nowadays? Well, this kid takes it to a whole new level. He knows every word to every song and walks around belting “You’ll Be Back” to himself. He auditioned for every single a capella group, but clearly, he chose the Broken Legs because musical theatre, duh. He’s never been to a sporting event in his entire life and refers to directions as “stage left” and “stage right.” For costume parties, instead of dressing up scandalously he wears a $300 replica of the Rum Tum Tugger costume from Cats. He has starred in every single one musical production. He will one day have a very promising career as a high school choir teacher.
The Professor Who Is Just Over It
Don’t get me wrong…college professors? They’re awesome. However, you’re bound to meet the odd professor who has to teach an intro class and hates it. They’ve been at the same school for years, but everyone in the department takes turns teaching the intro classes. They hate all the first-years in their class and doesn’t put up with any tomfoolery. When class is over, they are the first one out the door. They can’t wait to get to their upper-level class and talk to all the cool juniors and seniors who actually know what they’re talking about. Their review on “Rate My Professor” is absolute trash. And when they retire, you better believe they’re hopping on the first plane to Florida and escaping winter.
The…Problematic One
Hopefully, on most college campuses everyone is respectful of all races, gender identities, cultures, sexual orientations, etc. Well, except this guy. He just can never get it right. He hasn’t quite grasped the concept of being respectful of us non-heteronormative folks. He doesn’t understand that catcalling is not a form of flattery. At parties, he’s the slovenly one in the corner, shoveling Cheetos into his mouth and commenting on every girl’s boobs. He tries to be friends with all the football players, but they don’t put up with his stupidity. In fact, no one’s even quite sure how he got into college…
The Over Enthusiastic One
This girl loves school. She comes to class everyday with her binders and her color coded folders and pens with little bunnies printed on them. She loves all her professors; she practically lives at office hours and rips her arm off in class trying to impress them. She’s always very well-dressed, but there’s also just a little bit too much yellow for an 8 AM class—which she loves by the way. And this girl? Super sheltered. But the first time she gets drunk at a party? Oh boy.
The Professor Everyone Likes
This professor? Man, he’s cool. He played a rap song the first day of class and lets everyone call him by his first name. He’s friends with all of his students; they come to his office hours just to hang out and talk to him. He’s always showing up to the coffee shop or local bar with a fly honey. He plays piano and sings at every open mic night—all original music, by the way. Oh, but the one way to make him mad? Fooling around in class. He is very concerned about safety and precision and the man will not deal with your dangerous shenanigans, like playing with a saw or sniffing chemicals.
The Party Animal
This girl LIIIIVES to party on the weekend. She starts pre-gaming at noon and doesn’t stop until her roommate drags her body back to her room at 3 am. She’s the one making a ruckus entering the building at 2:30 am on a Wednesday night. She has a very active Tinder account and swipes right for everybody. She’s constantly putting the moves on her semi-hot professors. Her blood is basically just Keystone Light at this point. And you will see her killing it on the dance floor until her hair catches on fire or something.
The Gossip Girl Wannabe
Did you hear that rumor about Josh and Stacey at the party last night? If you did, you probably heard it from this girl. She loves drama, even just drama manufactured in her own mind. In fact, she would be a drama major if not for the fact that theatre kids are just so…ew. She sits in the dining hall with a horde of other girls, who all never stop talking. She takes up both her closet, her roommate’s closet, and the closet of her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is definitely a lacrosse player and if he doesn’t text her back after .0032 seconds, she freaks out in the middle of class. Oh, and she’s always on the newest diet, but has a weak spot for ice cream.
The One Ultra-Conservative Person on Campus
If this girl was a first-year, she’d be living in the quiet dorm by choice. She doesn’t agree with the partying on campus. You can catch her in the library, reading a book, and shushing anyone who dares to whisper. She believes quiet hours are all the hours and will call you on it if you’re even a little loud on Tuesday at 12:01 AM. Oh, and this girl loves cats. She pretty much only hangs out with stray cats and hates the fact there are so many dogs around campus.
Just the Worst
College people are awesome, but there is just always that one guy who just rubs you the wrong way. In all your classes, he speaks in the worst monotone voice. He definitely doesn’t put his forks and cups away correctly at the dining hall. And there’s just something about…his face. You just don’t like it. You can’t wait ‘til this semester is over so you can just get away from this dude.
Your Mom Away from Home
This is the woman on campus who treats you like their child, whether it be a friend, your CA, a professor, or another administrator. She is always making cookies for everyone in her building to enjoy. She will always give you advice. And unlike your mom at home, she is super cool about talking about sex and tells you in sometimes-too-vivid detail about all her sexual experiences. She gets along with even the grumpiest, most curmudgeonly old men on campus. We all want to be this woman when we grow up.
The Weird Professor
Some professors like their jobs a little too much. Everyone loves this professor, but there’s no denying he’s just an odd duck. He teaches a class with a certain subject, but mostly just spends class recalling his experiences during the 1960s and 1970s. He plays a weird instrument like the didgeridoo and be seen outside the library, sitting on the lawn as his own one man band.
The Frattiest of Bros
Yo, dude! It’s time to get wasted. This guy was ready to join his frat from the moment he walked on campus. He loved being hazed, but now he loves hazing all the newbies way more. He is the one guy who actually likes Keystone Light. He will hit on every single girl in a friend group and strike out with every single one. He played JV football in high school and won’t stop talking about it. He loves his apartment and proudly hangs his truck nuts out his window.
The Adorable Art Major
Everyone loves this girl. She’s so in tune with the culture on campus and is always involved with making someone’s day better. She’s everyone’s favorite peer counselor and will always be there for you night and day. She’s an art major and everyone is always obsessed with her work. And of course, all the men on campus love her, but she’s also in the most beautiful couple on campus.
The Stud
This guy is just hot. He plays for the basketball or the volleyball team, but still makes time for all his friends and his girlfriend. Despite appearing to be the perfect jock, he’s also an amazing student and always has something insightful to say in class. Even though he’s not always the most motivated, when the going gets tough he buckles down. And he’s everybody’s best friend because he’s just the best listener. Oh, and he’s hilarious. And did I mention hot?
The Nerdiest of Them All
On any college campus, there are bound to be some nerds. But no one can beat this guy. He will school you at any trivia game involving Harry Potter, Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Lord of the Rings, etc. etc. He spends his nights playing League of Legends with his friends from back home. But don’t be fooled: he loves the outdoors, is constantly going on walks, and spends his summer working on a farm. He’s always ready with a fun fact in all his classes, except they’re not very fun, because he’s always dead serious. He lives his life to please his professors, which is a little annoying, but he’ll end up being best buds with them after graduation.
The Class Clown
This guy swings from being your favorite to the worst person depending on the day. He’s always cracking jokes, which is usually awesome, but often just comes off as distracting. He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he does buckle down in his classes and tends to end up with fantastic results. He’s still grasping the concept of being more sensitive to women (he loves saying “That’s what she said”), the LGBTQIA+ community, and other minority groups, but his intentions are always good. This guy can be a pain in the ass, but we all love him anyway.
Now, like all the characters on The Office, despite their flaws, we still enjoy them and know at their core, they’re good people. (Well, maybe besides Todd Packer.) At college, we may not like or click with every student or professor we meet; however, like the characters from The Office who love their workspace no matter how much they gripe, we love our college community and know we all share the same spirit.
Image Credit: Wikimedia, PBS, Fanpop