There will come a point in every woman’s life when she is ready for a major change. At this point she will feel ready to tackle the problems of the world and will not back down from even the toughest of challenges. People will try to warn her or try to convince her that it’s not worth the hassle to follow her heart, but like any strong-willed woman, she will refuse and do it anyway.
I am of course referring to the seemingly inevitable haircut–bangs. Oh, you know you’ve thought of getting bangs at some point and if you haven’t, trust me you will. So now I would like to take the time to address my younger, bang-less self to offer advice, reassurance, and some sensible details no one ever seems to mention before getting the cut.
In order to adequately express how I feel, I will begin my letter by quoting the words of the beloved, wise Leslie Knope:
Oh, Alyssa. You beautiful, naïve, sophisticated newborn baby.
Have you been watching too much ‘New Girl’ on Netflix? I realize ‘500 Days of Summer’ is one of your favorite movies but you have to understand that by getting this haircut, you will not magically transform into Zooey Deschanel. I’m starting with this because I know that there’s an irrational part of your brain that thinks this could actually happen.
Bangs are a pain and there are a lot of things you haven’t thought about. Wind, rain, sweat, humidity, a new shampoo that makes your hair a slightly different texture, negative thoughts, the phase of the moon, when Mercury is in retrograde, etc. These are all factors that make having bangs an annoying nightmare that no one will mention. You’ll ask your family, your friends, and even your hairstylist if they think you should just do it and they’ll all say “Yes girl, you’d look so cute with bangs!” but none of them will ask you the important questions like: Is your hair particularly temperamental?, Do you live somewhere windy?, Are you a naturally sweaty person?, etc.
That scene in ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ where Andy Sachs casually restyles her bangs with her fingers while reminiscing about her time at Runway from across the street is iconic and was also probably the most difficult scene to shoot in the entire movie because bangs cannot be controlled. I’m also going to go ahead and say that Zooey Deschanel has some sort of bangs specialist on hand at all times when she’s filming. I’m not even talking about a makeup or hair stylist, I mean someone who is specifically in charge of fixing her bangs. I’ve never confirmed either of these but I’m entirely convinced that they are both true. This is how analytical you will become about bangs and bang maintenance.
All in all, your family and friends were right and you do look cute with bangs, but keep in mind that there will be some rough days ahead. Whether it be the humidity, being caught in the rain without an umbrella, or trimming them yourself after a few weeks of trying to “grow them out,” just know you’re signing up for more than a simple trim.
So grab a bottle of hairspray, think happy thoughts, and proceed with caution as you embark on this new, blunt bang phase of your life.
xoxo
Your future-self-appointed-bang-specialist-self-Alyssa