This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Helsinki chapter.

Self-love is a word that pops up every now and then, especially in relation to mindfulness and wellbeing, but what does it mean? The reason you’ll want to know is because self-love is very much connected to health and self-esteem.

To begin with, some records have to be set straight: self-love is not about narcissism, egoism or selfishness. To feel that you are better than the people around you or to excuse yourself from responsibilities is not self-love. The idea of self-love being a sign of narcissism has been prevalent in western culture for very long, indeed in some ways it still is. When talking about the healthy kind of self-love we are actually talking about accepting, forgiving, and caring for one’s self in spite of all its flaws: self-compassion. Thus rather than being a fickle fad soon to be forgotten, the idea of self-love is (and should be) here to stay.

The idea behind self-love

When old texts use the word self-love, they generally refer to the narcissistic kind of love. However, already in the 18th century the great philosopher Rousseau wrote about amour de soi as a purer form of self-love, one concerned with our own preservation but not with comparing ourselves or feeling superior to others. One of the earliest writings on self-love as self-compassion is by German psychologist Erich Fromm, who in 1939 asked: “If it is a virtue to love my neighbor as a human being, why must not I love myself too?” In his writing The Art of Loving, Fromm considered genuine love as “an expression of productiveness” that strives “for the growth and happiness of the loved person”. He argues that this kind of love should be directed towards others, but also unto one’s self. This idea of self-love nurturing growth and happiness is repeated elsewhere as well, often also referred to as self-compassion. A person is ultimately responsible for their own happiness and everybody has the right to feel happy.

Self-love is a step towards a good self-esteem, which affects your wellbeing as a whole. In fact, Kristin Neff of University of Texas, a pioneering researcher on self-compassion, argues that self-compassion and self-love may be better than self-esteem as people with high self-esteem but low self-love have a harder time to accept failures or negative feedback. Thus a self-loving person will feel less anxious and stressed and more optimistic, because they know their self-worth even without being perfectionists. Perfectionism focuses easily too much on your flaws, which may only end up holding you back.

Interpersonal relationships, too, are enhanced by self-love. A self-loving person is independent. Notice how this doesn’t mean “alone.” It merely means confidence and being in charge of one’s wellbeing rather than depending on other people’s approval. Fromm also talks of how capability to love others is very much linked to loving one’s self.

What to do?

Everybody has their fears. Some are lucky to face them less, some brave souls face them constantly. Everybody knows what it’s like to lose a good night’s sleep from overthinking: your appearance, your job (or lack thereof), your love life (or lack thereof), that stupid thing you said in that stressful social situation… the daily stress of performing in a demanding world while being judged by others.

Mantras for self-love are things like “I am enough”, “I respect myself” or “I matter”, thoughts that focus on your good sides. Your flaws only make you a more complex person. However, self-love is a skill and, like all skills, it takes patient practice. Don’t give up! A good mindset is a good start, but practical lifestyle tips should not be dismissed. As the importance of self-love is now understood better, there are a plethora of self-help tips to be found in magazines, blogs and podcasts. Here is a collection of tips on what to do:

Take care of your physical self, give it the rest and the nutrition it needs. Take it out for a nice walk on lovely spring day. Sunshine is good for you!
Take care of your social needs. Maybe organize a meet-up with a group of friends, or just hang out with a bestie, whichever you prefer.
Set small goals and be grateful of small things. The daily positivity challenge that has been circling on social media is not a bad idea, although you can do the challenge in your personal journal if you prefer.
Allow yourself to dream big. In spite of the small goals, you can daydream without feeling like you don’t deserve them or that you won’t accomplish them.
Avoid burnouts by noticing the signs. You wouldn’t let a friend who is stressed go all the way to their breaking point, would you? Don’t let yourself either. Dare to take a break in spite of the looming deadline.
Play and be creative. Laugh. Even in the middle of a busy schedule you can find something enjoyable to do. If you’re not sure what that might be, maybe take up a new hobby. Tackle your to-read-list, bake cookies, knit a sock, or get out your pens and pencils.
Some self-help lists suggest that you find something purposeful, a meaning, even if it’s just a small thing. If you can find that, great! You have an intention, an accomplishment to strive towards. BUT: if you don’t, do not stress about it. Just because you aren’t carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, doesn’t change the fact that every inch of you matters. Small accomplishments are just as wonderful. The happiness of yourself and those close to you is a goal too. This moment is a fraction in mankind’s existence, but it’s your fraction.

A little more suggested reading:

Also remember to check out our previous articles on dealing with rejection, stress and the pressure of having it all.

Self-Love: What Exactly is it Anyway?

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