1. First of all, props to me for actually leaving my bed, getting dressed, and coming to this little shindig. I am honestly the pinnacle of health. Hey, mom, remember when you passive- agressively suggested I wasn’t exercising enough? Well, look at me now!
2. Time to post a half-dozen selfies on Snapchat to prove I actually do know where the gym is located.
3. Okay, time to claim a bike. Location is everything. You can’t go wrong with the third row- it’s where the normal people who don’t look like Olympic athletes hang out. If I can snag the bike directly under the ceiling fan, I’ll be golden. Run, Forrest, run!
4. Dammit, this isn’t the normal instructor I usually come for. I really hate change. Please have a good playlist, please have a good playlist.
5. The lights are coming off- my favorite part. Now I can suffer throught the next 60 minutes without garnering any judgmental stares from the blonde with the shredded six-pack on the bike next to me.
6. *Beyonce’s “Flawless” starts playing* YAASSSSSSSSSSSSS. FILL ME WITH LIFE, YONCE.
7. Alright, time for an eignt count jump. Not too bad. Four counts? Okay, that wasn’t awful. Two counts, you say? I can take it.
8. *Slowly dies from two count jumps.*
9. Good move, bringing a towel. I’m already sweating bullets. Is this ceiling fan even turned on?
10. Thank God, time for a climb. Even though my legs feel like they’re treading through a mixture of tar and quicksand, at least I get a chance to breathe.
11. Is this Carrie Underwood I hear through the speakers right now? Don’t get me wrong, I love “Jesus, Take the Wheel” just as much as the next person but talk about a mood-killer…
12. Is that smell me? Gross. I hope the Taylor Lautner-look alike to my left doesn’t find me revolting. Note to self: apply an extra layer of deoderant next time.
13. Okay, the climb is over and I’m hearing some EDM now. Progress, progress.
14. I’d say we’re about halfway through the class. So, 30 minutes left. That’s, like, eight more songs. Just make it through the next eight songs and then you can get back to your pajamas and Netflix.Â
15. Great, time for a sprint. My calves already feel like they’re being consumed by the flames of H-e-double hockey sticks. I hope no one will notice if I don’t increase my bike’s resistance.
16. Is that liquid filling my eyes sweat or tears? Eh, same difference, at this point.
17. Look, lady, I appreciate the words of encouragement, but you yelling about “endurance” and “resilience” and “a new me for a new day” is honestly just making me want to take a nap on the floor.
18. I wonder how many calories I’ve burned so far. I had a cheesburger and fries for lunch. I’ve probably burned those off. But then there was the Nutella I ate straight from the jar…
19. Last song, make it count. I will channel the strength of 100 cyclists and ride this stationary bike off into the sunset.
20. Pedal, pedal, PEDAL!!!!!!!
21. “Cool down.” Who knew two little words could bring so much joy?
22. Exercising is such an adrenaline rush! I feel like I could go rock climbing or hiking right about now! My body is so freaking powerful! I should really start treating it better and eating healthier. I’ll just have an apple for dinner.
23. Lol, you thought though. Tonight is $1 ice cream cones at Toppers. #treatyoself
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Photo credit: Image 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23