Love is absolutely beautiful. Seeing happy couples gives me hope for humanity. Nevertheless, some individuals are meant to stay that way — individual. So many ladies feel the need to anchor one man and never let him go. They get burnt out, struggling to keep a “perfect” relationship afloat when it should be simpler than that.
If your friends won’t cease setting you up with their classmates and you avoid your Aunt Gertrude at family gatherings to dodge love life questions, it’s time to break out the reasons why you don’t have a boyfriend (and don’t really need one).
1. I’m great
Just like Hailee Steinfeld, I’m gonna love myself and I don’t need anybody else.
2. I’m too busy creating my empire
Cuddling is great, but it tends to distract from becoming a Fortune 500 A-Lister.
3. No one gets my coffee orders right the way I do
Triple-shot grande peppermint mocha frappachino with coconut milk, cocoa shavings and no whip in a venti cup, no dome. It’s a mouthful; I get it. But I also get it right.
4. My dog gets jealous
OG homedog gets priority, always.
5. I have zero trouble reaching the top shelf
I have long arms and legs, and for those tough to reach spots? I can climb a chair.
6. I am I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T
As fun as it is to sing a duet, belting a solo in the spotlight is so much more invigorating.
7. Pretending to like things I don’t give a hoot about is exhausting
No more charades! Far gone are the days of cheering on a team in the Superbowl as if I’m not just watching for the commercials and half-time show.
8. Pair activities are complicated
Ice-skating, bicycling, jet skiing: 9 out of 10 times, these are bound to result in competitive hurt feelings or physical pain.
9. I miss the original meaning of Netflix and chill
Snacks, pj’s, messy bun, and four seasons of Grey’s Anatomy? So chill.
10. “Treat yo’self” is my motto
Why rely on someone else to surprise me with little gifts I don’t actually want when I can reward myself with the exact Kate Spade backpack I’ve been eyeing up for months?
11. Sharing food is not fun
This PB&J is 50% all-natural nut butter, 50% organic raspberry jam and 100% ALL MINE.
12. Low-key gender mocking isn’t as romantic as a lot of guys think it to be
I get enough “you run like a girl” remarks from my brother. No need for further sexism.
13. The pickle jar is not that difficult to open
Tap the lid on the counter, grab a hand rag and voila! Open for business.
14. My lunch date schedule is completely booked until June… of next year
It’s not my fault I have too many wonderful friends to see.
15. Color-coordinating my ensemble is hard enough without a whole other person to style
Dressing for myself is better than any arm candy.
16. Keeping things fresh is my favorite pastime
Getting a significant other’s approval before dying my hair or tattooing my ankle sounds like the opposite of spontaneity.
17. Nothing beats riding solo
Cruising with the top up to keep my blowout coifed and blasting One Direction with no shame trumps sleepy small talk.
18. My parents alone are a handful without introducing in-laws
While many in-laws are lovely people, the pressure to be the parents’ ideal of the perfect girlfriend can lead to anxiety and early onset crow’s feet.
19. No strings attached
Let’s be wild and free while we’re young.
20. I wear makeup for myself
Walk past a mirror, give yourself a wink and strut away like the cover girl you are.
21. Photo booths make for better shoots with more space for creative freedom
This frame is too fierce for more than one model.
22. My remote, my rules
Let me enjoy Katherine Heigl and all of her rom-com mushiness without any snarky remarks.
23. This bed ain’t big enough for the both of us
I’m a big fan of the acrobatic starfish pose when sleeping.
24. No one gives hugs like granny
Who needs a boyfriend when the best hugger also bakes you cookies and slips you five dollars every time you see her?
25. It’s amazing how much work can be done in a library without distractions
The history section isn’t just for secret dates between classes anymore.
26. Valentine’s Day? More like Galentine’s Day
Nothing tops the love of a sister from another mister.
27. Girls run the world
Not that we’re seeking attention, but if stepping out with a confident line of fabulous ladies means all eyes on us, better embrace it. Hey, wassup, hello.
28. Call me Audrey
She way coy, shrouded in mystery and always up for adventure. Like Ms. Hepburn said, “I was born with an enormous need for affection and a terrible need to give it.” With friends, family, and the many passions in my life, there is simply too much love to share to only give it all to one person.