We all have at least one relative who cannot refrain from making ignorant or insensitive comments at family gatherings.
This relative exists in many forms. There is the well-meaning but rash grandparent who loudly drops racist slurs in public, somehow forgetting that it isn’t 1957 anymore. There is the Republican aunt visiting from Idaho whose face turns the same shade as the cranberry sauce at the mere mention of Muslims. There is the uncle who can rant for hours about how Starbucks is contributing to the “war against white Christians”; the “meninist” cousin; and, of course, the in-law who can’t make it to dessert without making a racist, sexist, homophobic, or transphobic joke.
At some point, we learn that this relative cannot be assuaged by any amount of arguing, awkward silences, or even pie helpings. We accept that they are just That Relative, and that they will eternally be stuck in their ways. Even I have been guilty of neglecting my duties as a feminist and activist at the dinner table, staying silent in fear of causing a rift and consequently ruining Christmas.Â
While Christmas dinner probably isn’t the best opportunity for political debate, saying nothing will only urge this relative in question to continue acting insensitively. To them, your silence is equivalent to a nudge of encouragement, or worse: a nod of agreement.
I know this person is family. I know that you love them (or, at least, are obligated by birth to love them.) I know that you don’t want to distress your poor Grandma Susan, who is pushing ninety-seven and has a weak heart. I would argue, though, that if you truly care about this person, you should intervene before they go on to voice their uneducated, bigoted opinions to less forgiving audiences.
It isn’t always possible to change this family member’s mind, but it is possible to call them out without sabotaging your family dinner, or your relationship with that person.
1. Be direct.
Telling your family member directly that their comment made you uncomfortable is undoubtedly intimidating, but it is also the most effective and foolproof way to let them know that their behaviour is unwarranted. Let them know that, even if their intentions were harmless, their joke or comment could be hurtful to a lot of people. Avoid sounding condescending or aggressive; for the sake of everyone involved, make the statement, and then move on.
2. Correct them.
Sometimes, people genuinely do not realize that what they’re saying is offensive or inappropriate – and they never will, unless someone corrects them (gently!). They might even thank you for doing so.
3. Play dumb.
Unfortunately, some family members are not so open-minded and willing to learn. Some situations call for a less diplomatic approach. If your racist great aunt is on a tirade about immigrants, say, “Speaking of immigrants, how old were you when your family immigrated here from Europe? Do you remember a lot?” or, “Aren’t all white people technically immigrants, though? I’m not sure, but I think I read an article somewhere about this thing called colonialism once…”
4. Change the subject.
I’ll admit that in some situations, it’s best to just avoid confrontation altogether. If your family member makes an offensive comment after one rye and eggnog too many, it might be best to change the subject, and contact them a day or two later to let them know that their comment made you uncomfortable. This will give you time to plan what you want to say, and it will minimize the chance of them responding defensively out of embarassment.
Of course, the best way to deal with insensitive comments from family members depends on a number of factors, such as your relationship with that relative, and how comfortable and confident you feel in that moment. However you choose to react to these ignorant comments made by relatives, remember that positive change can’t be enacted on a larger scale until we take the initiative to start small—at our own dinner tables, with those who ultimately love and support us most.