That glorious time of the semester is here again. Chaos, folly and Netflix are running amok to ensure you don’t succeed in acing your classes with dignity and health. In honor of all the lives lost last term we have concocted this list to help you remember you are human and have basic needs. Enjoy
1. DO NOT fall into the claws of denial. It’s important to be aware these tests are coming. They are always coming. It’s the circle of life: eat or be eaten. Prepare your knives.
2. AVOID the Netflix- it will slaughter you. Stare into its eyes for enough time and down the rabbit hole of doom you go.It is the cocaine of all college students, the oasis in the midst of this drought, but surely you can break the addiction for one week. P.S: coordinate break times with netflix times and with enough force of will you MAY be able to achieve a happy medium.
3. You are not a vampire, DO get out of your house and look at the sky. Remind yourself these ruthless times will pass, the crying will cease, and you will be yourself once again (hopefully).
4. Remember you are human and eating is a thing. DON’T starve because there is ‘no time’ to tend to bodily needs, which brings me to number 5:
5. DON’T fool yourself. You’re not going to cook. it’s all take out from here on out baby, so start saving up that Taco Bell money. P.S: friends have food too. Use that.
6. Allow yourself only 1 mental break down this week, after that, carry on. AVOID checking into the psychiatric hospital. Embrace the madness and use the tears as fuel.
7. DON’T forget B.O is a thing. Treat yourself to banana, strawberry, coconut, kiwi- and any other fruit you can think of- scented showers every day to rinse off the aftertaste of Colegio. Have consideration for others. Wash yourself for crying out loud.
8. If you feel you’re about to burst, grab a pillow- make it suffer, laugh maniacally, eat some Snickers. Repeat. DON’T take it on your friends, remember this is not really you and tensions are high. (Don’t especially take it out on your cat, trust me.)
9. DO NOT be lured into temptation. La Bosque will always be there, but you’ve only one shot at passing these tests (unless you wanna try that Calc 2 again next semester)
10. DO make study groups with studious people. It’s important to see faces other than that of yours in the mirror (zombified and tear stained). AVOID leeches at all times.
11. DO NOT succumb to sadness. Your self-esteem is of essence against the fight. If you feel you messed up in one test, fake it ‘till you make it and KO what’s left of them. Protect your confidence at ALL COSTS.
12. SLEEP. DO NOT torture your brain, it’s only trying to help. The poor guy is your biggest ally in this fight to save the semester. One week, two comrades: feed it some Zzz’s.
13. Stand FIRM. DO NOT, for the love of God DO NOT, believe your friends (bless their kind souls) when they say “you’ve studied enough”. There IS NO ‘studying enough’, but there is working too much so, lastly:
14. DO NOT overwork. Remember: breaks, interims- they’re all as important as memorizing your 97 calc formulas. Find the time to take occasional breathers and AVOID overthinking life. There will be time for existential crises later, just not now.
15. If all else fails, The Force Awakening waits for you with open arms at the end of the month!! Run to it for comfort. Let it fill your empty chest with glee and ENJOY your pine-scented holidays!
P.S: Serious partying and binge watching should be performed after such a traumatic week. Remember to recharge and reload those neural cells with as many margaritas and pepperoni pizzas as is needed.