So you and your significant other have broken up. You and your ex are no longer a unit. But you don’t hate them (or hate them a lot). Life would be a lot easier if the two of you weren’t throwing eye daggers at each other every time mutual friends try to arrange a group get together. So how do you get to that place?
Remember that you don’t have to be friends.
Start out with being civil. Even if they pulled some absolute bologna before; if they’re not actively hurting you now, you should just be civil. Take baby steps. You’re not going to be best buddies from the get-go, especially if there’s bad blood between you. And there’s nothing written that says you HAVE to be friends. If you don’t want to be that then don’t, simple as that.
Forgive them.
Unless they were abusing you, if you want to be friends with your ex you have to forgive them. People say and do horrible things when they’re hurt. It’s okay. But you have to be willing to forgive them for what they did wrong, and ask for forgiveness for what you’ve done. Rebuild your relationship from forgiveness and an open mind. They probably aren’t plotting your doom anymore, so stop plotting theirs. Trust that they won’t hurt you again.
Respect that they are not yours anymore.
You don’t get to come home to them anymore, and they don’t get to come home to you. You need to respect that they are their own person and will have their own relationships with others- including sexual ones! Honestly, as a side bar; friends with benefits with an ex is a horrible idea. Someone will get attached and then you’re back to not being able to even look at each other without trying to murder one another or crying.
Treat them as if they were just another one of your friends.
You can still do nice things for them without having the ulterior motive of ‘getting back together’. You can still care about them because you care about them as a friend. You don’t have to talk every day to be considered friends, and just because they’re not your bae doesn’t mean you can’t have deep conversations anymore.
You don’t have to get back together.
Just because you have history with someone it doesn’t mean you have a future. If you do like this particular human, that doesn’t mean as soon as your relationship is going well you have to be a couple again. Any friends who don’t understand this are probably the ones who really need to go.
At the end of the day, you’re both people. If they deserve to be your friend, you have to rebuild the relationship appropriately. Be forgiving, be kind, and be patient. Rebuilding trust and friendship takes time and effort. If you want this to work, you have to be willing to try. Best of luck, collegiettes!