The fifth installment of America’s favorite horror series just got the ball rolling a couple weeks ago. American Horror Story: Hotel is off to quite the terrifying start with plenty of cringe-worthy and eye-clenching moments. If you’re a horror buff like myself, definitely add this to your ‘must watch’ list this fall. I’ll be quite honest here and say the premiere had me mouthing “wtf” more than any other AHS season. Not only because things went from 0 to 100 with the fright pretty quickly, but because Lady Gaga looked so damn good. If Gaga doesn’t give you life in the ultimate spooky-couture way, then I don’t know what will. I think she might’ve made it acceptable to wear a blood-soaked designer gown to Halloween parties. So let’s get into the Halloween spirit with a rundown of the chilling first two episodes.
1. Mattress mutant: You’d think that lack of Wi-Fi would deter any 20-something from staying at a hotel, refund or not. But if that’s not a good enough reason, I guess having a live human crawl out your mattress within the first five minutes in your room might change things.
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2. Baby vampires: Kids in any horror setting are seriously the most terrifying thing on the planet. Like The Shining, terrifying. Children of the Corn, creepy as hell. Screw Freddy Kreuger, Samara from The Ring ruined my life. So the hoard of pale, tiny, blood-drinking children running around in suits and sleeping in coffins is a whole lot of NO.
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3. Pain in the ass: The Addiction Demon a.k.a “Drilldo” is already the worst part of this season. And by worst I mean it is the most twisted thing I’ve seen in an American Horror Story episode in a long time. Believe me, that’s saying a lot. Even creator Ryan Murphy called it the most disturbing scene they’ve done to date. If the costume isn’t bad enough on its own, Drilldo sodomized Schmidt from New Girl to death. To. Death.
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4. Bloody in the bedroom: Lady Gaga and Matt Bomer make an undeniably attractive couple. They seemed fairly normal at first, although avant-garde. By normal, I don’t actually mean normal, but just less strange than expected. That totally went away when they stabbed an unsuspecting couple and drank their blood during group sex. Scary? Yeah. Kind of hot? Not quite sure. Gaga as a fashion-forward vampire queen that preys on handsome men is everything I could ask for in a show. Twilight fans, please take a seat.
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5. Have a good stay: We got some total Murder House first-season-flashback-vibes already with Hotel. It seems to be playing with the whole “you die on the premises, you stay on the premises” idea. You’d think the concept would be played out at this point after the first season but nope, it’s not. I think pushing someone out of a sixth-story window still makes for a good plot twist.
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6. Killers with a fan club: We didn’t get any Evan Peters in the first episode and that was a letdown since he’s everybody’s horror boyfriend. He’s such an adorable puppy of a human being, so it’s mind-boggling to see him in the second episode as a psychotic serial killer with zero humanity and a pencil-stache. It’s like Hostel and The Great Gatsby had a crazy baby. So he’s basically killing people in insane ways just for some lols, all while in a ritzy hotel he built for that specific purpose. His character James March makes Tate Langdon look like an angel. Don’t worry morally-conflicted Tate fangirls, I’m struggling right there with you on this one.
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7. Awful employees: Seemingly minor characters always end up pulling a “surprise, b*itch, I’m actually somewhat relevant” at some point during every AHS season. The maid running around complaining about blood stains didn’t even seem conspicuous with everything else happening. Surprise, she’s actually very relevant and very much in love with her killer boss, James March. She’s always happy to scrub away evidence of his escapades. Hopefully that earned her a decent pay bonus. But y’know, when you’re crazy in love with a killer, who cares about money.
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8. Sacrilege is an understatement: We can’t forget our anonymous Ten Commandments Killer that’s running around in the night terrorizing Los Angeles. After only two episodes we really have no clue who’s going around supergluing dead people’s genitals together. So there’s no doubt we’ll have another “surprise, b*itch” moment when their identity is revealed. Until then, we’ll just have to side eye every character. Stay skeptical, my friends.
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9. Beyond fiction: On a more serious note, the most horrifying part of this season is the fact that it’s loosely based off of real events and people. Evan Peters’ character is based off America’s first documented serial killer from the late 1800’s, H.H. Holmes. He actually built a hotel in Chicago specifically for murdering people, just like Mr. March. The Ten Commandments Killer was inspired by multiple serial killers like Richard Ramirez and Jack Unterwerger. Not to mention, The Ten Commandments Killer also functions somewhat like the real life Zodiac Killer from the 1960’s. You’re getting too real American Horror Story. TOO REAL.
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