Hey, friend. How you doin’? Ya good? Been eating your fruits and vegetables? Did you finish that CRS paper? How’s that group project going?
No, you didn’t do any of that? Why not? Oh, I know, because you’re BORED and ran out of motivation as soon as syllabus week ended.
Well, I’m not your mom, so I’m not going to admonish you for your laziness. We’ve all been there, that desolate whirlpool of exhaustion, frustration, and inescapable ennui. This is a safe space.
To make you realize you are not alone, here’s a list of things we all do when we’ve pulled out of the motivation station.
1. Check Social Media
After responding to all notifications and SEVEN unread texts (Miss Popular, look at you), you peruse Facebook, Twitter, and the Gram for, oh, two hours or so. Then you realize that half of your friends are engaged or working two internships and decide to switch networks.
2. Become the Queen of Pinterest
This is prime time to plan your dream wedding/vacation/summer wardrobe. Instantly, you are a Martha Stewart prodigy, pinning Michelin star-worthy cuisine and gift-wrapping techniques to finally outshine Becky. Dang Becky, always so perfect — THIS WILL SHOW HER. Once you vengefully pin to 17 new boards, the rumbling of your stomach outweighs your desire to merely look at food.
3. EAT
Everybody’s gotta eat, this is for your health. A trip to the dining hall is mandatory. But the foreign stew didn’t satisfy… good thing you have Calio’s on speed dial. An hour later and your calzone is MIA. You recall seeing a yellow slip in your mailbox. Could it be? A care package!? Yes! You rip it open, hope in your heart and tears in your eyes.
Nuts. Mom sent socks and an assortment of unsalted nuts. Okay. Time to scope the vending machine.
4. Call Mom
“Yeah, mom, I’m being super healthy. Thanks for the care package and the cash. Yep, I spent it all on fresh produce. You’re right, I feel like a new person on the raw diet!” you say, with a mouthful of bugles. “Mm, carrots! So what are you up to?”
There comes a time when the deed must be done: you must call your mother. Whether your mom is practically your sister or a domineering sucker-of-life, a call home is always worth the time. Let your parents know you are alive and be reminded of the golden child you truly are. Motivation is sure to follow.
5. Cringe at Regretful Memories
You ARE the golden child. You knew your parents liked you more than your brother. You are perfect. Well, except for that sloppy night in some Ackerman basement. How did I end up in a kiddie pool with a sailor hat? Yikes, and I have to remember to take the long way home to avoid Mike at all costs. Oof, maybe I should get to work.
6. Rethink Your Career Path
I won’t be able to go out on Tuesdays if I stay in my major. Maybe I’m not cut out for the city life. I’m just a small-town girl with a sunny disposition, after all. Oh no, I’m too cute to be mugged! That’s it; I’ll marry young and move to the country. But wait, I’m not a coward. I can do this! Beyoncé became flawless on her own terms! International Relations exam, you are going DOWN.
7. Primp Until Perfection is Reached
You sit at your desk, determined, empowered, until you catch your face in the mirror. Is that a zit? Are you kidding? This will not do. Like the Clinique cover girl you are, you run to the shower to freshen up. After shaving, deep conditioning, brushing, a full blowout, and perfecting your eyeliner, you look the part. Now to start studying…
8. Have a Photo Shoot
But HANG ON. This fluorescent dorm lighting is working for once; it would be a crime to waste this insta-tunity. In the blink of an eye, your camera roll reaches its maximum with selfies. You skim through, find the winner, choose Valencia, and dream up your wittiest caption yet. Ha ha. Yes, that is good. That is rich. *post*
9. Dream Up Scenarios
OMG, Peter Rosemont liked your selfie. Was it the clever caption? Was it the way the filter highlighter my eyes? Who cares – IT’S MEANT TO BE. You wonder if you’ll honeymoon in St. Bart’s or the south of France. Should you start looking for vacation homes on Cape Cod now or wait until little Charlotte finishes middle school? How are you going to pick up Peter Jr. after soccer AND pick out drapes for the new guest room!? Ugh, you’re so busy. Wait…
10. Binge on Netflix
When you wake up from your hopeless dream – uh, I mean destiny – you need a moment to center yourself, live in the now, and unwind. And what better way to unwind than catch up on Orange Is the New Black? Your future with Peter may be uncertain, but one thing is for sure: Netflix will always be there for you.
You did it. You read that entire article. Lady, you HAVE accomplished something today!
With this newfound air of success, conquer that project. Knock out that essay. If you get done soon, you’ll still have time to finish season 5 of Friends. GO!