The ABC’s of Dating at Columbia

A**holes

The men of Morningside come in all different shapes and sizes, from coxswains who refuse to text you the next day to grown GS students who should know better. The important thing is to recognize a jerk right off the bat, so you can unfollow them on Twitter, complain about them to your friends incessantly, and then proceed to unsuccessfully “date” them on and off for the rest of your collegiate career.

Boundaries

Boundaries are more than just that thing your roommate won’t stop talking to you about when you refuse to buy your own body wash. While weekend nights (and the occasional senior night) are great times for socializing, Monday through Thursday is all about that GPA. Sheryl Sandberg didn’t write “Lean In” just for us to waste our most productive hours Facebook stalking the idiot who won’t text us back. 

CAVA

Sometimes you think you’re in the mood for love, but what you really need is CAVA. 

Dates

No college student should take you on a date that costs more than your Psych textbook. Skip on the sashimi and invest in someone who isn’t trying to wow you with their daddy’s Amex.

Entenmann’s Chocolate Chip Cookies

A good alternative to dating at Columbia.

Frats

Frats can be like the herpes of CU dating culture. One in five Columbians have probably hooked up at a frat. Sometimes it’s okay and safe, and sometimes it’s not. Just be careful.

Guitar

An acoustic guitar is literally the scariest thing a boy could ever pull out on a date. If a potential suitor starts to reach for his Gibson, you have a very limited amount of time before you are uncomfortably nodding your head and half-closing your eyes to the opening chords of “Your Body Is a Wonderland”. Don’t wait another second, not even to sneak an illicit snap story–there’s simply no time. Save yourself.

Hotties

The pros of hooking up with a hottie include deferential stares walking across campus and a significant other whose Facebook profile you can actually send to your high school friends. The cons are that every single hottie at Columbia is ten times cockier than their other college counterparts. If you don’t mind putting up with the ridiculously good looking, they can be found ostentatiously wall twerking at an EC party, absentmindedly scrolling through their unanswered texts in the Ferris pasta line, or getting lost in their own reflection at a St. A’s/ADP rush event. Good luck with that.

Ivy League

If any Columbian starts talking about “The Ivy League” when they’re trying to pull, you should seriously consider not sleeping with them. Athletes have earned an exemption from this rule.

Job Offers

An interesting way to assess someone’s dating potential is to ask them if they’ve received any job offers. This is a good way to separate the sexily competent from the downright obnoxious, and the potential titans of industry from the scrubs. American studies majors have an exemption from this rule. 

Koronets

You, me, sweats, pizza, Netflix…think about it.

Low Steps

Think about making out with your special someone on Low Steps. It’s the new stacks. We hear alma likes to watch ;)

Missed Connections

The great thing about Columbia is that if you ever spot a bonafide hottie, chances are everyone and their mothers already knows their name, dorm, and uni, so missed connections never stay anonymous for long. Any Columbian worth their salt has a mental Maurader’s Map of where their crush wines, dines, and drinks heavily. Going to 1020 every night of the week to “run into” a special someone isn’t stalking–it’s just high school level statistics.

Neurotic

Everyone at this school is deeply neurotic. If your boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t have some specific neurosis, trigger, or complex, then they were probably a legacy.

One Day

One day you probably want to start a family, but today is not that day. Unlike your other, flakier friends, contraception will always be there for you (or, like, 99.99% of the time).  Our advice is to always use at least two methods at once.

Parties

Parties are a really fun way to meet people! Remember, spin the bottle is only weird/lame if you MAKE IT weird/lame.

Questioning

As you can probably tell from this list, which attempts to be pretty gender neutral, we think that you should date whomever you want, however you want to. Whether you’re questioning or pretty damn sure, college isn’t just about getting to know other people–it’s also about getting to know yourself. Because while you can always kick that bad decision out of your dorm room at 4am, you’re the one person you’re pretty much stuck with. Sappy, but true.

Roti Roll

Don’t take a date to Roti Roll. I shouldn’t have to explain. 

Sorority Formal

Sorority formal can be like the Hunger Games of dating. If you emerge from the chaos of overpriced drinks, knock-off Herves, and endless party bus routes (Are we going over a bridge? Haven’t we passed Columbus Circle three times? Did my date even venmo me for this party bus?) then you’ll probably emerge with a pretty successful relationship. (But remember, binge drinking is not a joke). This analogy is also sort of perfect because of the process of finding dates for sorority formal, which is a lot like the reaping, except instead of the citizens of Panem, the pool is the combined rosters of the Go Columbia Lions websites. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Texting Your Friends

The best part of dating is getting to text your friends the moment after you leave the room/party/restaurant/experimental art show. If actively cultivating wild stories in order to be the center of attention in a group text is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

Using You

At some point in your life, your friends will confront you at brunch and claim that your current hook up is “using you”. “Using you” can include, but is not limited to: only texting you after midnight, cheating, being “emotionally unavailable”, or talking trash behind your back. Be careful if you think that a guy could be taking advantage of you. If you’re ever worried, ask the guy up front. If he’s a keeper, he’ll be honest and know to treat you right!

Virgins

We’ve all been there, and some of us are still there. Just be cool, you guys.

Whiskey

Most people I’ve met in college who exclusively drink/say they drink/love to talk about whiskey have been borderline psychopaths. This is less of a universal truth than a personal belief, but it’s something to take note of.

Xbox

We’ve all pretended to be interested in a game of Xbox at some point in our lives, usually in an attempt to impress someone we’d like to make out with. Actively choosing to walk away from the console is the first step towards self-care, self-respect, and self-love. Unless it’s Mario Kart.

Yes

Consent is literally the most important component of dating at college. Followed by contraceptives. Saying yes is awesome, if you mean it, but saying no is an equally chill and viable thing to do.

Zoo

My freshman year NSOP, Columbia took us all to the zoo and hid all the animals, so the only activity options were playing with the dirt, making awkward conversation with NSOP friends, or aggressively making out. What was up with that, Columbia? 

* This article is a personal piece and does not reflect the views of Her Campus Barnard or Her Campus Media. *