Many years ago Jay-Z wrote a hit song called “99 problems”. For those of you who have never listened to the song the plotline is all about how Jay-Z has 99 problems, but none of those problems are “bitches”. Something has troubled me ever since I first heard the song, what exactly are Jay-Z’s problems? He goes into detail about what his problems are not but doesn’t dive into what’s really bothering him. So I have collected a list of 99 problems that I think Jay-Z has.
Please note that I have absolutely no proof or even an inkling that any of these are true, so Jay-Z if you’re reading this article and have problems with it please contact me directly.
(List is in no particular order).
1. Frank Ocean’s album still hasn’t come out.
2. He’s always getting rick-rolled.
3. Roller-skating isn’t cool anymore and he paid for lessons.
4. He doesn’t understand memes.
5. The Illuminati.
6. He can’t pull off vertical stripes.
7. He accidentally made a ton of in-app purchases on Kim Kardashians game.
8. Every time he eats a burrito all the stuff falls out the other end.
9. Whenever he drives in a convertible bugs fly into his mouth.
10. He doesn’t know exactly what gluten is so he can never be sure if he’s allergic or not.
11. He’s consistently losing his reusable water bottles.
12. Getting his chains and shoes to match.
13. Twinkies haven’t been the same.
14. All the bees are dying and he really likes honey.
15. Institutionalized racism.
16. CVS ran out of his favorite hair gel brand.
17. People stealing his parking spaces in the Whole Foods parking lot.
18. Sunglasses never fit his face.
19. He always forgets to compost.
20. He really likes soft jazz but can’t figure out how to produce it.
21. He doesn’t know how to most effectively peel a mango.
22. He always finishes his candy before the movie even starts.
23. Beyoncé always makes him get out of bed to turn off the lights.
24. Stressing over Facebook likes.
25. His toast rips when he’s trying to butter it.
26. Aliens.
27. He always tries to open the car door before his driver unlocks it.
28. His shampoo and conditioner never run out at the same time.
29. His raisin bran has a bad ratio of raisins to fl99 akes.
30. They cancelled Freaks and Geeks too early.
31. Feels a little emasculated by his wife’s success.
32. The Wi-Fi reception in his bedroom is the slowest in the house.
33. Obama has more twitter followers than him.
34. He never puts enough milk in his cereal.
35. Never got back at his middle school bully.
36. All his watches show slightly different times.
37. Donald Trump is actually highly ranking in the polls.
38. Cowboy hats are out of style.
39. Hasn’t figured out the best angle for his selfies.
40. They haven’t made tinder for nearby cute animals yet.
41. The enormous fees etsy charges people who want to sell their own art.
42. The New York Times doesn’t use Times New Roman.
43. Loses a couple bucks every time he drinks his own vodka.
44. Can’t swallow while laying down
45. Can’t pronounce foie gras.
46. Solange.
47. Windows privacy issues.
48. People are always assuming his problems.
49. The top of his head is always getting cut off in photos.
50. He actually likes comic sans.
51. He doesn’t understand the sport cricket but he really likes the outfits.
52. He will never love anyone as much as Kanye loves Kanye.
53. Watch tan lines.
54. Blue Ivy cheats at go fish.
55. He doesn’t like the taste of coffee but feels obligated to drink it.
56. He’s a terrible wingman.
57. The crumbs at the bottom of the chip bag.
58. Overestimates the amount of mayonnaise needed for a sandwich.
59. He can’t remember his dreams.
60. Often forgets he has the camera on seflie mode when he opens it.
61. Doesn’t know what bae means but at this point he’s too afraid to ask.
62. Not enough people call him Mr.Z.
63. Sometimes he just wants to be Shawn.
64. Can’t come up with original album titles.
65. Those Kanye fans.
66. His garage is really far from his front door.
67. What happens in Vegas never stays in Vegas.
68. He loves trail mix but hates raisins.
69. He lies about his excel spreadsheet abilities and is anticipating the day he has to use it.
70. LL Cool J.
71. No one asks him about the Shawn Carter Foundation.
72. Resting bitch face.
73. Worth more than Kanye West, but no one gives him credit.
74. Buzzfeed quizzes know him a little too well.
75. His horoscope is never wrong.
76. His AC is always too cold.
77. Not knowing whether or not New York actually recycles.
78. His fingers are too big to successfully remove his contacts.
79. Kanye wants him to be his campaign manager.
80. Group texts.
81. He doesn’t have enough storage space to update his phone.
82. Dehydration.
83. People still using “he/him/his” pronouns for Caitlyn Jenner.
84. Headphones never stay in his ears while he’s walking.
85. He started using internet slang ironically and now can’t stop.
86. His phone vibrates loudly at the worst times.
87. Always cries while watching Lilo and Stitch.
88. Blue Ivy really likes Dora the Explorer but he’s more of a Wiggles man.
89. Most of his facebook notifications are game requests.
90. Skittles and M&Ms look too similar.
91. His grandmother always comments on his posture.
92. Afraid that his overuse of hand sanitizer is actually making super germs.
93. Nagging feeling that his pet hamster didn’t actually go to live on a farm.
94. Doesn’t know what a vegetable is anymore.
95. Is always duped by fake plants.
96. Overdue library books.
97. Back to the Future is on two discs and he lost one of them.
98. Tape cassettes.
99. Needing one more problem.