Nicholas Sparks Movies: As Told by Boys

Maybe you’ve read The Notebook five times…or maybe you just know it as “that movie where Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams kiss in the rain.” Wherever you stand, Nicholas Sparks romances have indubitably become a staple in the chick flick library.

The author’s stories are infamously cliché in a layered way, like a Russian nesting doll of platitudes and plot twists. Their formulaic nature encompasses everything from the two protagonists’ personalities to the movie posters, accurately categorized by most as “white people embracing.”

An interesting metric for movie predictability is whether or not an unfamiliar viewer can infer the premise if only shown the film’s poster. Armed with nothing but an image and the knowledge of notoriety, these two guys took stabs at summarizing these Sparks’ films.

A Walk to RememberCF: Name the female lead. What is her background and personality? What dark secrets does she have?

JF: Her name’s Jessabell. She’s a kind-hearted, caring Southern belle with a country accent. Her dark secret is that she ran over a cow while driving on a small country road one dark night. The memory of the experience still haunts her and, to this day, she still cannot bear the thought of cows, dairy products, or mooing.

ND: There’s no way her name isn’t Natalie.

CF: What about the male?

JF: His name is Grant. He’s a dark and mysterious city boy who was recently laid off. His father died and he ran off to the city to escape while at the same time abandoning his family.

CF: What is their relationship like?

ND: Everything is always wonderful, but they have one big fight because the guy messed up something that should’ve been really easy not to mess up. CF: In what body of water will the couple share a kiss?

ND: A lake filled with only dove tears.

CF: What is the tragic plot twist?JF: Grant moved back to start a cattle ranch. Once Jessabell finds this out, she cannot stand to be in his presence.

ND: Natalie gets really sick or he goes to war. Or both.

CF: Which central character will die?JF: Grant’s favorite cow named Bessy.

ND: Natalie’s the first to go.

CF: How does the film end?

ND: The fire nation attacks.

CF: Create your own cheesy dialogue said by the male protagonist to the female.JF: “You moo-ve me so deeply.” 

CF: What do you assume is one song on this soundtrack?JF: “Milkshake” by Kelis at the very end of the movie. 

CF: Approximately how many times will a man be shirtless?JF: 17

ND: Maybe once, this is more of a middle school-oriented film. 

  Dear JohnCF: What’s the deal with this pair?

ND: This girl is definitely a vampire. Her name is probably Carmella or something ancient like her. Their relationship is entirely platonic. The way they’re holding each other on the cover screams “parental advisory not needed.”

CF: In what idyllic country setting do they live?

ND: Transylvania or West Virginia. Basically the same.

CF: How will this movie end?ND: The same way it began: cheesy music, panorama of the mountains and valleys.

CF: Create your own cheesy line.JF: “No matter which current of life I take, I will always swim right back to you.”

CF: Approximately how many times will a man be shirtless?JF: Entire movie. They’re at the beach.

ND: John owns one shirt and he wore it only to take the cover photo for the DVD case.  

Safe HavenCF: Okay, who are these people?

JF: Abigail is a recent college graduate who is having an affair with the male character, a married father.

ND: Her name is Julia and she has chronic arthritis in her left wrist. 

CF: In what idyllic country setting do they live?JF: Mansion of male character. Ten-bedroom house. 11.5 bathrooms.

CF: Which central character will die?

ND: The guy’s favorite horse dies back on his farm. This makes him miss Julia with such passion.

CF: How does the film end?JF: Richard eventually realizes that Abigail is insincere and moves on with his life. The closing scene shows him at a coffee café. When the barista calls out the order, he and a stranger both reach for the same coffee. End movie.