College is stressful. And being away at college without frequent opportunities to go home makes it even worse sometimes. You miss your family, you miss your pets, and you miss the comfort of your hometown where you know where everything is and how everything works. But there is no worse a time to be a long-distance college student than when you lose someone at home. Sorry to do this to you collegiates, but we’re going to get really sad for a moment here. Death, we all know, is inevitable, and it is never convenient. It’s possible that someone you know and love at home may die while you’re busy living the college life hours away. If it’s happened/happens to you, let me start off by saying I’m deeply sorry for your loss. It sucks – I won’t pretend it doesn’t. Suddenly the distance seems miles further than it did before and the work you’ve had piling up appears to double in size. And to top off all the stress of your usual routine, you have to load a monumental Sadness onto all of it. This is really the only way to describe it: Sadness with a capital S.
Â
If you’re like me, that Sadness will hit you in three different waves. The first will be in the form of guilt. You weren’t there when they were suffering their last few moments. You weren’t there to give one last goodbye or make it known how much you love them. The last time you saw them you said, “See you on break!” It doesn’t seem right, and it’s certainly not fair. But remember that they were, no doubt, proud that you’re able to be going to school so far away, working toward your own success, and making a life for yourself that you enjoy. They understood that you couldn’t be at home and they knew if you had the ability to drop everything and fly home you would have. These thoughts will not make those feelings of guilt go away, but you should know that no else blames you.
The second wave will hit you when you realize you can’t be at home to comfort the people you love who are suffering with you. You talk to your parents when they call to tell you, and collectively you cry over the phone, but it’s still not enough. It’ll get worse when you realize you have a group project or an exam or a function you can’t miss, and you have to wait it out before you can get home. (Or you can’t get home at all.) Here’s the thing though: you most likely can miss it. Let the people who are around you know what’s happening. You don’t have to get too personal if you don’t want to, but everyone understands what you’re going through and will want to help in whatever ways they can. Even if you can’t go home, it takes time to muddle through the Sadness and sometimes it’s okay to miss things to accomplish that. If you still have something that is mandatory then make your way through it. This is a difficult time, but you’re a strong person. There is no fix. There are no magic words. But you’ll figure out your own way to make it through.
The third wave is potentially the worst. It’s when you finally sit down, sort through your guilt and your upcoming schedule and start to grapple with death itself. Without all that other mess as a buffer, reality sets in. It’s a hard struggle to face, and I have no solution for it. I can’t give you a brief list of tips like “5 Ways to Cope with Death,” because it’s not that easy. It’s okay to question what you believe in or to steadfastly stand by it – the choice is yours and whichever you make is valid. This is the phase that smacks you in the face and calls out your name. It plays a movie of memories in front of your face. It blocks out everything else around you and thrusts you into a flurry of tears. You don’t know what your next move is supposed to be. No sugarcoating: it’s painful and terrible and all-encompassing.
Â
These waves will come in this order or in another. They will repeat themselves and entangle with one another and make you feel like you’ve never experienced anything harder. You can’t imagine anything worse. A nap doesn’t fix it nor does a bath or a glass of wine or baking brownies at midnight or talking to your friends or cranking out something creative (this article, for example) – but it does help. When you’re so far from home at a time like this, the little things really do ease some of the Sadness, if only for a little while at best.
I’m sorry. I know there is no advice I can give that will really get you through the Sadness. But like I said before, it sucks and sometimes knowing that and letting yourself be Sad is really all you can do.
Â