50 Shades of Uncomfortable

Like a lot of other women this Valentine’s Day, I went out with a group of my gal pals in excited anticipation to see the movie 50 Shades of Grey. I’ve never read the books but a lot of my friends have and are pretty into it. So despite the fact that I would never have seen myself at the front of the line to get into the movie, there I was this past Valentine’s Day.

Now that I’ve had some time to mull over whatever it is I just saw, I am here to announce that I have a lot of thoughts on this movie.

*Spoiler Alert*

1. This is literally Twilight. I mean, I know this started out as fan-fiction, but really?

2. No college student has an apartment that nice.

3. K, this dude is hot. I have high hopes for him.

4. Oh sure, you’re just going to let your friend just fill in for you to interview a mega-millionaire businessman for your college newspaper. If I had a chance to interview a super hot mega-millionaire businessman, I would show up, flu or not. Also has no one heard of rescheduling?

5. If a woman as demure and bland as Ana can catch the attention of this super hot dude, there is hope for the rest of us.

6. Also really? “Just Ana.” Am I the only one who went through a Twilight phase and sees all the parallels??

7. I mean come on, she works at a hardware store. Isn’t that straight out of the book?

8. Well this relationship is developing very quickly.

9. The friend’s name is JOSÉ? JACOB? TOKEN POC CHARACTER?

10. Also Christian asks Ana if she likes Jane Austen. C’mon people.

11. Really, you’re just going to walk out on Ana because she’s an English Lit major? Is there no justice for English Lit majors in this world?

12. Seriously the parallels to Twilight are really bugging me. Like E.L. James was copying Twilight. Twilight. Not really a whole bunch of source material to go from.

13. Drunk Ana is the only part of this movie that I like.

14. How did Christian just know which bar she’s at?

15. Also why is José being a weirdo?

16. Oh right, that happens in Twilight.

17. If some dude just showed up at the bar I was at, took me home, undressed me, and then slept next to me (all while I was highly intoxicated), I would not be cool with that.

18. Like serious stalker/rapist connotations going on here that young women/women and men of any age should not swoon at. And this is repeated several times over!

19. Also literally all this dude does is jog. When all I do is jog I still have flappy arms, not a hot and sculpted bod like Christian’s.

20. This dialogue is literally painful to listen to.

21. I’ve probably snorted very loudly at least 10 times so far.

22. Sad thing is literally this whole theatre is giggling uncomfortably.

23. Also there is a high number of middle to older aged men in this theatre. Solidarity, my friends.

24. I don’t know why I keep assuming that Christian’s brother Elliot is just some random guy Christian hired to pose as his brother?

25. I really keep thinking that’s going to be some plot twist.

26. Oh wow, Ana’s mom can’t come to her graduation any more because her step dad broke a bone. Real familiar.

27. Why is Ana not more upset about that?

28. I would be livid if my mom all of a sudden couldn’t show up to my college graduation because her weird fourth (?) husband can’t take care of himself.

29. So if Ana’s dad is such an important part of her life, why do we only see him for like two seconds?

30. I think we’re all in agreement here when we say that Billy Burke was the best part of Twilight franchise.

31. Don’t commencement speakers usually wear the robes with the silly hats?

32. I really would have liked to have seen Christian Grey wearing one of those silly hats.

33. Why does her family not question the fact that her daughter is dating the super hot mega-billionaire businessman that just gave the commencement address at her college graduation?

34. I think the real heresy in this movie is that Christian or Ana didn’t touch that sushi during the negotiation scene.

35. I mean what sane person passes up good sushi?? This really bugged me.

36. If someone showed me their “Playroom” I would not be as calm and collected as Ana would be.

37. In fact, I would book it out of there right away.

38. Why does Christian have to have an abusive background to be into BDSM?

39. I just assumed whatever those were on his chest were zits.

40. Oh wow, things are getting weird now.

41. None of this is sexy.

42. I think it’s pretty clear this is not proper BDSM but some strange warped and abusive version of it.

43. This is really making me uncomfortable. This goes beyond kink into something else that makes me feel like I’m witnessing domestic violence.

44. And why is it that every time Christian is in the “Playroom” he wears ill-fitting, ripped, 90’s-esque jeans?

45. He really is losing control, I guess.

46. The scene with the slow-motion whipping and the Gregorian Chant in the background was just straight-up comical.

47. Okay, if she’s crying doesn’t that mean you should stop???

48. Well good for you, Ana, you leave that boy.

49. It doesn’t matter that he looks mighty fine in a suit, no one should treat you like that.

50. There’s going to be more films?? Oy vey. Let’s hope Christian gets a therapist.

Photo credits: cover, 1, 2, 3

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