Bachelor Recap Week 5: The Girl Who Cried Widow

Well, week 5 officially marks the end of the drunk girls era. Sad day :(

But that definitely does not mean that this is the end of Bachelor drama. No, no, no. This week’s episode had me on the edge of my seat from the very beginning.

The cast migrates to Santa Fe, New Mexico. If you don’t know the difference between Mexico and New Mexico, you need to get off this site and read this ASAP. (Megan, I’m talking to you.)

(Photo via Twitter)

ONE-ON-ONE DATE: CARLY

Carly, the adorable cruise ship singer (man, what a job!) from Arlington, Texas, gets the lucky first one-on-one in Santa Fe: a date with a love guru. Cool…? That’s how Chris and Carly feel about it, too.

She makes the two get awkwardly intimate while she coaches them on how to remove each others’ clothing. Talk about first date material, amirite? As normal people would, both Chris and Carly agree that this is extremely uncomfortable. I wonder if it was worse to experience, or watch on national television.

The love guru has them perform a different exercise of intimacy where they literally just breathe on each other. Romantic, I guess? They seemed to like it.

This experience brings up a lot of past emotions for Carly, which she explains during the second portion of the date. Her last boyfriend refused to be intimate with Carly and made her feel insecure about her body and appearance, which has been sparked being around all these insanely beautiful women. News flash Carly: you’re stunning! You do not need a makeup and hair team, or ABC’s lighting crew, or even a man to tell you that. It’s unfortunate that Carly feels this way, because Chris literally says that she’s more beautiful on the inside. Again, can I please be put in the running to marry this guy?!

GROUP DATE

When that date card was read, I could literally feel Kelsey’s eyes, through the TV, piercing my heart. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone angrier. She wanted that one-on-one so badly and is heartbroken when she gets stuck on the group date. “I actually feel blessed that I can continue to date chris with all the other women,” she said with the side-iest of side eye.

Ashley I., Becca, Jade, Kaitlyn, Kelsey, Mackenzie, Megan, Samantha and Whitney all have the pleasure of going white-water rafting with Chris. Just kidding, they’re all terrified – and for good reason – as Jade gets thrown out of the boat into the freezing cold water. She has a condition in which her blood doesn’t circulate properly (guys, she isn’t lying; I have this too!), so this leads to getting a personal foot massage from Chris. Nice move, Jade. I’m impressed.

The day leads to a cocktail party, but before Chris can even greet the girls, an angel emerges from the lobby. It’s Jordan, eliminated episode two, the OG drunk girl! I loved her almost more than I loved Ashley S. Probably because I can relate to her so much; I just love wine.

But, unfortunately for me, Jordan is sober as a dove and drove to Santa Fe from Colorado with hopes of winning Chris’s heart back. He invites her to the cocktail party for – wait for it – more drama with the other girls!

Ashley I. literally says, “We should not be nice to her right now.” K. Whitney stole my heart in this scene. She defends Jordan with such class by telling Ashley that although it isn’t fair that she can come back, she’s still a person. Jordan is just trying to get a second chance, why be deliberately mean to her for that? To no one’s surprise, Ashley still doesn’t understand and ends the night in tears. As always.

But, Chris being the gentleman he is, understand the girls’ frustration and tells Jordan that she shouldn’t be in Santa Fe. It’s okay, if Jordan were to come back, I’d need Drunk Jordan.

For her truly amazing ability to be a bigger person, Whitney receives the rose from Chris, who says that she’s “here for the right reasons.” OMG, is he catching on to Ashley I.’s insanity?

ONE-ON-ONE DATE: BRITT

The second one-on-one starts at 4:30 a.m. I repeat, 4:30 a.m.!!! I would 100% refuse. But Britt, with a full face of makeup on, looks happier than ever as Chris wakes her up. “She looks just as beautiful in the morning!” Chris says about Britt. Does he not see that her lips are literally neon pink? She’s wearing falsies! Boys really don’t know anything.

(Photo via Reddit)

As Chris reveals their date, watching the sunrise in a hot air balloon, Britt literally looks like a kid on Christmas – and no, it’s not a cute kid. She’s so excited that it makes me want to vomit. I didn’t know that was a feeling I could produce.

While overlooking New Mexico in a hot air balloon is breathtaking and all, the fun starts back at the hotel, in Chris’s room. Britt gets real touchy-feely with Chris, and they even end up in bed together! *jaw drop*

During all this, the other girls are talking sh*t, because duh. They are realizing how fake Britt is, which is interesting and all, but what’s most important is that she doesn’t shower. She. Doesn’t. Shower. Again, I want to hurl. Britt needs to go before I start projectile vomiting all over my living room.

KELSEY’S (STOLEN) MOMENT

Feeling like she didn’t get an adequate amount of time with Chris, Kelsey decides to surprise Chris in his room so that she can tell him her “amazing story.” Ugh, I love how much these girls break the rules. If you haven’t been watching, Kelsey is a widow as of May 2013. Sad, yes, but also quite suspicious. All the girls sense something fishy about her story, and when she tells Chris, it comes off as quite rehearsed. But, she gets a makeout sesh out of it.

If you’re starting to think that I’m an insensitive a**hole for not believing her widow story, I’ll just put this quote out there: “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic, but isn’t it amazing?” Yes, she REALLY SAID THAT! I’m shocked; I have no words.

COCKTAIL PARTY

Everyone is really tense, especially Chris. When he comes out to say hello, he mentions that he had an emotional conversation with Kelsey and then walks out. What? All the girls are extremely confused, as is Chris Harrison.

The girls ask Kelsey what they discussed earlier and she goes on some tangent about how sad she’ll be when she has to say goodbye to one of them. Um, no. There is no rose in your hand. You cannot say that, Kelsey.

Oh, but there’s more. Kelsey realizes that she’s in deep sh*t when Chris Harrison announces that there will be no cocktail party. She walks away and then, all of a sudden, the girls hear panting and moaning. Kelsey is on the floor, crying hysterically, and telling a medic that she’s having a panic attack. And then, the worst words in all of television come on the screen: To Be Continued…

NOOOOOO! But, check back next week to see how much more “amazing” Kelsey’s story can get.

BEST QUOTES

“This river could be full of alligators, dead bodies, who knows?” – Megan

“I’m not gonna get any attention because I’m fine.” – Kelsey, after Jade gets a foot massage

“She’s such a party girl and I’m so not.” – Ashley I. on Jordan’s return

“He doesn’t want a mean girl as a wife.” – Whitney on literally everyone

“I think I have drool on my face.” – Ashley I. while waking up with an entire face of makeup on (spoiler: she had no drool on her face)

“On a scale of one to manipulative, Britt is…what’s beyond manipulative?” – Carly

OVERHEARD IN MY LIVING ROOM

On Britt and Chris in bed together:

“I hope he takes her swimming so she can bathe a little.”

“They can’t be doing anything, right?” “They’re definitely touching each others private parts.”

“But she hasn’t shaved!”

Random:

“There! There’s the dumb one!” (about Megan)

“Ew, she’s terrifying.” (about Kelsey)

“Poor virgin, she doesn’t have the best story anymore.” (about Ashley I.)