Everyone knows being single during the holidays can be tough. While couples are cuddling and kissing in the snowfall, you’re guzzling lukewarm eggnog and wearing a tattered snuggie while watching a Hallmark original movie entitled “A Bride for Christmas.”
Other people may tell you to not worry about your lack of love interests and to be thankful for your family and friends, but take it from me: sometimes you are just too bitter to sincerely take that advice to heart. So, I have compiled, in my opinion, a more helpful list to get you single gals and guys through this holiday season.
1. Buy gifts for yourself and sign the card as your favorite celebrity.
“Oh Mark Ruffalo, you really shouldn’t have bought me this ‘Breaking Bad’ mug. You’re so thoughtful!”
2. If your relatives ask about your love life, here are some viable responses:
“I’ve decided to take a vow of celibacy and become a nun. All I’m asking is for your support.”
“You know, I just don’t have time for a relationship right now. Rat breeding is becoming more of a time commitment than I initially thought.”
“Well, I don’t think it’s a good idea for me dip my toes in the dating pool at this moment. I’m currently being indicted for tax evasion and my case doesn’t look so great.”
3. Eat a whole roll of Pillsbury cookie dough with the Christmas trees imprinted on them.
After all, who’s going to judge you? Nobody, that’s who, because you’re alone.
4. Sing “Baby, it’s Cold Outside” by yourself, as a duet.
Sing the first part in your own voice and the second part in a sexy British voice. You can then imagine a sexy British person is singing with you. (If you aren’t into duets, feel free to sing Mariah Carey’s masterpiece “All I Want for Christmas Is You” entirely in said sexy British voice.)
5. Knit approximately thirty very small, ugly Christmas sweaters.
Then gather up all the neighborhood cats and a throw festive party. For added excitement, throw in a raccoon or two.
6. Enjoy the holidays. Remember, it’s perfectly fine to be single and you are awesome!