 The holidays are fast approaching, and anyone with a wish list for Santa knows that being naughty ends sans presents under the tree. However, being on Santa’s nice list is boring and an empty stocking is not the end of the world. For those willing to risk a spot on Saint Nick’s good side, head to Hamilton library and get your naughty on.
Side note: Hamilton has surveillance cameras, so the risk of getting caught by security is high – timing is of utmost importance.
Side, side note: Many thanks to the Cosmopolitan Kama Sutra booklet for the positions listed below.
4th Floor
  The Asia Collection floor is perfect for those wanting to bone alone because rarely anyone inhabits the spacious area. With plenty of cushioned chairs, having sex will be comfortable and it is unlikely someone will intrude. In case of interruption, feign confusion and leave abruptly.
Position to try: The Hot Seat
  This position works because it does not expose anything beneath the waist if done properly using the cushioned seats. Both persons involved should kneel on the chair with one behind the other. The front partner should keep both legs in between the back partner’s legs while the back partner grips the chair for support. The rest unfolds accordingly.
3rd Floor
  The East Asia collection floor is small, yet it offers an entrance to one of the least accessible places in the building: an outdoor patio. The outdoor area is guarded by an emergency exit with an alarm. If, for whatever reason, the door is open or the alarm is disarmed, take advantage. Major bragging rights are won by anyone that is actually able to have sex on the third floor patio.
Position to try: Arc de Triomphe
  Because the outdoor area is large, essentially all positions can be used. However, since getting onto the patio is challenging, why not try some challenging kama sutra? For this position, one partner should sit with both legs out while the other partner sits, facing the first. Slowly, the second partner should lower into a back bend, using the first partner’s legs as a headrest. Although both partners need to be flexible to perform this position, the end reward is worth the work.
2nd Floor
  The most populated floor of Hamilton is also home to many corners and dimly lit book aisles. Privacy may seem like an issue with all the students studying, but if the right location is found, a lot of uninterrupted fun can be had.
The least populated section is PZ mainly because there are no longer any shelved books; anyone wishing to have long, undisturbed sex should head to this empty corner. For those wanting a challenge, the desks available for studying are an excellent choice.
Position to try: Time Bomb
  Partner one should sit in a chair, like normal, while partner two straddles, facing partner one, until both feet are firmly planted on the floor. In order to remain inconspicuous, partner two should do most of the work by slowly moving up and down. If done properly, no one will notice. If need be, partner two can switch positions by swiveling around to face the same direction as partner one. The former works better because both parties are able to keep an eye out for security.
1st Floor
  There is no location on this floor that is completely uninhabited, unfortunately. For those willing to risk public indecency, try out the lounge area in front of the checkout counter – the cushioned seats are comfortable enough to get your freak on.
Position to try: Torrid Triangle
  Cosmo calls this position “missionary with a twist,” because it is the traditional top and bottom position, but instead of the person on top doing all the work, the bottom person is. In order to get it right, person one should raise up on all fours, so person number two has room to lift their pelvis. This position works because if both parties involved do not like the change, no effort is required to switch back into regular missionary.
All floors
  There are locations available that are accessible on each floor like the elevators and the fire exit. The elevators are more risky than the fire escape, but like all areas in Hamilton, there are chances of getting caught.
Position to try (for elevators): The Lusty Leg Lift
  One partner is going to need to be flexible for this position. To get it right, partner one should face partner two with legs shoulder width apart. Then, partner one should raise either the left or right leg until the ankle rests on partner two’s shoulder. Partner two should then inch as close to partner one as possible for the fun to begin; it’s a lot of work, but the intense stretch elevates the pleasure.
Position to try (for the fire exit): Backstairs Boogaloo
  Both partners should face the stairs with one kneeling at the landing of the staircase, and the other following from behind. The backmost person should use the foremost person’s hips for support. Both parties will love this position because it requires minimal effort.
DISCLAIMER:Â
Please do not actually attempt to have sex in Hamilton library. These positions are great in the privacy of your own home, and HCHI is not responsible for anyone that performs the actions within this satirical article.
Have a ho, ho, hot holiday and remember, always practice safe sex.