I’ll Smile When My Body Is Not Thought to Be Entitled to Someone
By: Jacqueline Roberts –Kpan
There were instant sparks the first time we met.
He caught my eye the moment I turned the corner.
His dark brown eyes, slick well-kept hair, nice smile, and tall muscular frame had me at hello.
I remember he said, “I knew you’d be mine.”
I was head over heels since we met
And I believed nothing could tarnish the connection of lovers.
I’d proclaim my love for him to the world if I could bellow,
Scream and shout that I was his and he was mine.
I was in a whirlwind of bliss as the feelings I let
Engulf me completely, not caring or worrying about the watchers
That may have caught a glimpse of our profound passion, a kiss or three, a grab down low
It didn’t matter where we were, what time of day, or who saw because “no one could take what’s mine.”
I remember how he looked at me, as if the darkness of his brown eyes soul met
And connected with mine, it was electrical and thrilling like a roller coaster
Taking me up and around and I didn’t care if my heart skipped a beat, I’d never be low
Enough to touch the ground, he always said, “I’ll take care of mine.”
Then one day I realized the whirlwind of bliss vanished and left
A shattered and battered girl afraid to look at those same people who gazed in wonder
Because there were two people in such a consuming affection enough to be damaging
But I never saw what they did. I was blind.
The scrunched sheets beneath my hands left
Beams of heat and pain as he came forcefully down on top of me, all I could do is wonder
Why? And How? And When we got to this point, a point where the concerning
Guy I once fell in love with would disregard my words and leave me blind.
I couldn’t see out of my right eye for three days as he left
It bruised and swollen like a festering sting from a wasp, I wonder
If he even saw me anymore? Was I just another plump body to him? An appealing
Piece of something delectable that only caused lust and greed and left him blind?
I was and I couldn’t live like that anymore because there was almost nothing left.
The two years we spent together began as such a fantasy, something too good to be true, I didn’t want to wonder,
If that would ever come true, but look where I am now and look how far that got us. I wasn’t appealing.
And I hated him for that, I hated him for believing everything was fine.
I was the only one in control of me and so I did what I had to and left.
Darkness swept over me as my sweat and tears trickled together, I couldn’t see anything but the feeling I would have being free.
No more looking over my shoulder, no more patronizing me, no more using your fists to keep me by your side
“I am not your property, you’re not in control of my body.” Was the last voicemail to his phone as I gazed into the night sky on the bus ride, good-bye.