1. Listmania
You wake up, bushy eyed and bright tailed, full of good intentions and motivation for the day ahead. In fact, you know what? Just to make sure that you stay on track and don’t waste any time, you’re going to make a list. Four hours later, the list is a work of art- it’s colour coded, there are complex illustrations of what you’re planning to have for lunch, and you’ve even timetabled in toilet breaks…the only problem is that now you’re four hours behind schedule. But who gives a damn? This is a TOP list.
2. Facebook
So the list is stuck on your wall, and according to this foolproof plan you have a five minute break before starting your essay (which you’ve already avoided doing for two weeks). Time for a really quick check on Facebook and then down to work. It’s going well, you’re scrolling down the news feed and there’s nothing very interesting, you’re literally about to leave the page when…wait…it says this is ‘The Best Video Ever’, you have to see it. Seven seconds later you’re still laughing at the guy who fell into the swimming pool, and you’ve entered the land of no return: Vines. A considerable amount of time later- after having watching the baby that says I love you, and I’m in My Mum’s Car, you’re going to click the cross, when a message pops up. And it’s your friends’ group message who are all in top procrastination form as well- you’re cracking out the banter, complaining about how much work you have to do, and it’s only a good while later that some bright spark realises you probably have lots of work because you’ve spent hours chatting away. You’ve said your goodbyes, you’ve all promised to start working, but OMG THE GUY THAT YOU’VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH FOREVER HAS JUST BROKEN UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. So of course it’s time for a quick stalk, which turns into an extensive background check of their posts five years ago and then, NOOOO you click ‘like’ on a post from ages ago by accident! You spend a good hour panicking about whether they’ll get a notification even though you’ve cancelled the like.
3. Youtube
While it’s been getting stressful on Facebook, who can blame you for putting a few relaxing tunes on? And when the hairbrush is in reach it’s impossible not to pretend you’re Beyoncé for a bit. After strutting around, throwing out the moves, you’re ready to go it alone and put the karaoke version of ‘Listen’ on. Five seconds in and your dreams of being a popstar have crumbled as you are left croaking for a note that’s just too far out of reach….except then the chorus comes on and you’re nailing it. Who cares about tune? You’ve got the volume.
4. Kitchen
And of course, this incredible vocal display lures a deafened housemate to your door in order to join in the fun, and they in turn manage to lure you (without much difficulty) down to the kitchen; the place where motivation dies. A couple of hours later you’ve discussed politics, the loud girl in lecturers and the guy you were stalking earlier. You’re about to go upstairs to work but…
5. Food
WAIT! It’s one o’clock?! Lunch time! Making a sandwich takes a ridiculously long time because you can’t be bothered to get a knife so you’re just shoving the bread in the butter, and there’s no clean plate so the bread is balanced on top of a milk cartoon. Suddenly you’re struck by a culinary epiphany: PEANUT BUTTER AND MARMITE. You wonder why no one has tried this before…five minutes later you have your answer, as you stand, retching over the kitchen sink.
6. Nap
After all that food (and the vomiting) you’re feeling a bit sleepy, and seriously who can work on a full stomach? Nap time it is! Except that you forget to set your alarm for a twenty minute power nap, and three hours later you wake up to the sun setting.
7. Phone Call
You’re literally on the computer, the word document is open in front of you- a white expanse of promise, and…the phone goes. You try to resist looking. You leave it for three rings, but of course you cave. And who is it? Your grandparents. No one can ignore a call from their grandparents, it’s impossible. So you answer and Nan talks away for a good while about the weather and checks up on the thickness of your socks and if you’ve got a cough. And by the time you’re off the phone you’ve got a text from a friend and it’s urgent. She’s broken up with her boyfriend, you have to go over RIGHT NOW. So you’re faced with a dilemma: do your essay or leave your friend in distress and alone in her heartbreak… there’s only one moral answer really, so you grab the ice cream and get going.
8. Gossip/ coffee
Your friend’s crying and already half way down a bottle of wine. Of course, being a top friend, you help out. And with the next one. And the next one. Soon, time doesn’t even feel like a real thing, all that matters is the text that Sarah’s going to send to Bob to tell him what a lying, cheating scallywag he is. Eventually you have it crafted to satisfaction and press send. After this Sarah falls into a heartbroken slumber and you head home, secure in the knowledge that you’re a great friend.
9. Food
You get home and what?! It’s like ten o’clock. Time for more food- this isn’t procrastination, this is a matter of life or death- it’s been a good few hours since your last meal (excluding the ice cream which doesn’t count because you only ate it in moral support).
10. Nothing
So it’s 10.30pm, perfect time to do a couple of hours work; you concentrate best in the evening anyway. Except, WOAH, did you seriously just balance that pen on its’ end? Science dictates that you have to try and do this again multiple times before admitting defeat- obviously gravity can only be broken once. Meanwhile your mind has drifted over to contemplate the night out tomorrow and what you’re going to wear, the thought of clothes gets you on to a pink dress, which makes you think of Pink the Popstar and popstars make you think of famous people which makes you think of Ryan Gosling and suddenly you’re daydreaming about how you’re going to meet and fall in love and marry and have children and…. Ten hours later you wake up, still sprawled over your laptop with that evil, empty white page facing you. You’re filled with self loathing, panic and fear. Calmly, you rationalise yourself. There’s only one thing to do. Time to make a list.