Remember when you were crazy in love with your first boyfriend, happier than ever before, and ready to pick out the wedding dress to marry the guy of your dreams? I know I do. No matter how old you are when you begin your first serious relationship, everything is so new and exciting that it seems as if life can’t get any better and that no one could be better than your current partner. Is this true? For some, it may be, but for those who go through cans of chocolate icing and spend countless hours watching The Notebook after your ex deletes you on Facebook (boys are so mature, right?), it seems there must be a way to move past your first love. Here are some thoughts to remember when you are ready to put away the junk food, wipe away the tears, and find mister right (the real mister right this time):
1. Love is not a scarce resource
Just because you have been in love once before does NOT mean that you gave all of your love away. Girls always say, “There is no way I can love someone as much as I loved him.” Well, you may think that…but you could be wrong (Mean Girls reference, anyone?). But seriously! Try your best to stop thinking you can only have true love once, that whatever was once so comfortable for you was really what can make you happiest. With your first love, you have learned what it’s like to put someone before anything else in this world and what it’s like to open your heart up more than you ever imagined. And now that you have had that experience, you are even more prepared to fall in love again. Believe me, the second time will probably not be as obvious, but it will probably mean even more to you in the long run. Your ability to love has only grown, and it has definitely not run out.
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2. Letting go may not be what you think it is
There is one piece of advice that you will hear over and over again, to the point where you get the song from Disney’s Frozen stuck in your head: “Let it go.” That easy, huh? Just let it go? If only it could be that easy. When you are trying to let go of your first love, you shouldn’t be trying to erase him from your past or trying to wipe away all of your memories with him. In fact, that’s probably the opposite direction you should be going, so step back and make a U-turn! It can be hard to get someone off of your mind when everything reminds you of the moments you shared with him, but that’s why you need to embrace the fact that you will be reminded of him for a while, that you are probably going to think about him somewhat often, and that you are definitely not going to be able to press a delete button to make it all disappear. Letting go begins with acknowledging your hurt and then trying to think about the past in a positive light, using those memories and past experiences to move past that phase of your life without trying to erase it.
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3. Break-ups are prime self-reflection times
No one ever remembers a break-up as a positive experience. You don’t hear girls say, “Oh yeah, it was so great! We were both ready to move on, and now we’re back to being the best of friends.” Just no, it doesn’t happen. However, break-ups are not completely negative. They really are a time for self-reflection. Through your first serious relationship, you learn a lot about yourself and what you are looking for in a partner. Most importantly, you hopefully learn what contributes to your own happiness. By loving someone else completely, you begin to realize what you need in order to love yourself even more. Now that you have more time to yourself, or at least feel like you do, try not to use that time wallowing in self-pity. Instead, use this time to write a private blog (use it as a diary), devote some time to a hobby, and try new things so you can figure out your current place in life and where you would like to be! To accompany your newly-single attitude, blasting Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” is strongly encouraged.
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4. Think about the things that were once missing.
Now that you have dedicated some of your time to self-reflection and growth, it is important to reflect on your past relationship. What parts of it worked, and what aspects would you like to avoid at all costs? Before you begin dating again, try to put a finger on what you’re looking for in a partner. Though you are moving on from your first love, don’t try to look for someone who was exactly like your ex. There is obviously at least one reason that it didn’t work out, so figure out what was missing! Do you need someone who is more affectionate, emotionally vulnerable, decisive, trustworthy, or spontaneous? Maybe you want someone who makes you feel like a kid at times, someone whose personality contrasts yours but also compliments it or someone who gives you your space but lets you know how much you mean to him at the same time. Everyone is different, so try to figure out what it is that you are looking for in your next partner! Things can only get better, so as our favorite fish would say, just keep swimming!
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5. Love does not always feel the same.
If you are searching for the same exact feeling you had before, the same butterflies in your stomach you had when you were experiencing everything for the first time, you are probably not completely ready to move on. When you feel ready to fall in love again, know that it is perfectly normal to fall in love with someone who is different from your first love! Let’s be honest, don’t you want it to feel different? It may not be as spontaneous, but it will only become more genuine once you start to know what love means to you. Love will not always feel the same. In fact, it’s supposed to feel different with different people. Rather than searching for the love you had in your previous relationship, embrace and cherish the new love you have found in your next partner. Just because it doesn’t feel the same as it did before doesn’t mean it isn’t as exciting or as wonderful. It’s just different, and that’s okay! Love is not supposed to be or feel a certain way. Love is what you make of it, and it will most likely be a distinct experience with each partner.
6. She will be loved.
To quote my boys from Maroon 5… stop worrying that no one else will love you. I mean, if you want to worry, I’m not telling you that you can’t, but you shouldn’t waste precious time worrying about being loved. Fretting won’t cause a guy to love you nor will it make you feel any more loved. Think of all the people who already love you beyond measure, and realize that a guy will do the same when the time is right. Stay positive, hold your head up high, and embrace the love that already exists around you! You will be loved, and you will absolutely love again.
Moving on is hard for everyone, but if everyone else can do it, you know you can too!
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