I know it sounds crazy that there actually may be a certain way to perfect the crowd that is you, your friend, and his or her significant other. But ladies and gentlemen, I am proof that there is such a thing as being a good third wheel. I’m unsure as to how single that makes me sound or whether or not I just dubbed myself the ultimate nerd, but my friends and I have joked about it long enough for me to come to terms with it.
We’ve all been there. Whether involuntarily or not, stuck with two friends that promised they wouldn’t make you feel excluded. Meanwhile, they’re sticking their tongues down each other’s throats. Come with us, they said. You won’t be third wheeled at all, they said. Luckily enough, every single one of my closest friends is in a relationship right now and I’m just over here taking selfies with my dog…
So hello, my name is Laura, and I’m in a relationship with most of my best friends and their boyfriends. I’ve gotten so good at these relationships I’ve even become the go-to girl for day dates like ice skating and breakfast for dinner at diners. Why you ask? Because I know how to have a good time and laugh at myself. Relationships get old fast. The spark of being alone just the two of you in utter intimacy wears off once the honeymoon stage is over, and if you haven’t resulted in meaningless fights then I’ll assume you’ve taken on a third wheel.
Now you’re probably wondering what makes a friend a good third wheel. Well, I’ll tell you with some Do’s and Don’ts.
DON’T be selfish or jealous. If you are invited out with your friend and his or her girl/boyfriend then you need to accept the dynamic before saying yes to a dinner for three that only two will be paying for. Spoiler alert for girls, even though you’re cute and witty too, your best friend’s boyfriend isn’t going to be footing your bill. Know this before you sign up for that expensive restaurant everyone is all gung-ho about. You can’t be envious or make pity comments the whole time about how you’re so alone and how nobody loves you. Maybe the waiter/waitress will be hot or maybe your friend’s date has a hot best friend.
DO spice things up a bit. No, not a threesome. Get your mind out of the gutter. Maybe the couple you’re sidelining it with has gotten a little boring but no one’s pointed it out to them yet. It’s your job to have a little fun and help them remember what it was like to do something a little adventurous or crazy. Maybe suggest a place neither are familiar with or call them out on the mushy gushy stuff that makes them both look whipped and annoying. They’ll thank you later.
DO learn to laugh at yourself. I know this one is easy to forget. But come on, being the odd man out makes you subject to the worst case scenario situation that could go down. You’re ultimately going to look like the person who got stood up or has one of those relationships on Facebook that are “complicated.” Which, we all know, means you just can’t get your shit together. Make jokes about how hilarious it is when you go to an amusement park and have to sit with the strangers [or alone] on the rides. Don’t make the couple feel badly that they are in a relationship and you are in one with food.
DO make your own fun. Sometimes the PDA gets to you even when you like to pretend it doesn’t. Find new distractions and new ways to make yourself feel less awkward.
DON’T cause problems. It’s easy to screw things up while being the middle man. You hear the most and see the most and sometimes things get misinterpreted. Don’t be that annoying tagalong that tries to convince one person in the relationship that the other person meant something they may not have. Let them talk it out. If you really feel the need to intervene, talk it out with your friend and not their girl/boyfriend first.
DO keep secrets. If you are the third wheel then you are the most fun and trustworthy person your friends have. Honestly, they wouldn’t purposely invite a cock block along unless you were worth the time and attention. So when it comes time for romantic gestures, help out by planning the events or gifts. After all you’re the closest to your friend and can get access to the kind of information the boyfriend or girlfriend wants but can’t ask for. Don’t ruin the surprise. Eventually your friends will return the favor.
DON’T cock block. As self-explanatory as this may sound, some friends really don’t know how to take a hint. If it’s been a few hours and your friends look like they’re in the mood for something, trust me when I tell you it’s not the Domino’s Pizza you’re craving.