You’ve been working up the nerve to text him for days now. It took you forty-five minutes, two of your best friends on conference call, four rough drafts and approximately a tear and a half to write the perfect text. You consulted both of your horoscopes and decided on the perfect time (“I’ll send it at 3:47 because I don’t want to send it at exactly 3:45 because I don’t want to make it seem like I’m timing it because that would make me seem crazy, right?”).
It’s been half an hour and he still hasn’t texted back. How dare he?
Before you jump to the worst possible conclusion and assume he’s not interested, here is a countdown of some completely plausible reasons he hasn’t texted you back:
15. He’s so exhausted from balancing a double life as a law-abiding citizen by day and a superhero vigilante at night that he fell asleep.
Let’s be reasonable; the man needs to catch up on his sleep at some point.
14. He’s busy solving our fiscal crisis.
13. He’s an international spy sent to a country halfway around the world on a top secret mission and his cell phone plan doesn’t cover roaming:
“Can you hear me now?”
12. His phone was stolen.
11. He’s time traveling and for the sake of authenticity he left his phone at home.
Rookie mistake. He would never.
10. His phone ran out of battery and he hasn’t been able to charge it.
9. He’s busy vacuuming because he believes in gender equality and that household tasks should be divided equally and didn’t hear it ring:
Ooh, child. You know what those jeans are made out of? Boyfriend material.
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8. He’s taking his time and carefully crafting his reply because he likes you that much.
7. He got so nervous and excited after reading your text that he dropped his phone and it shattered into a million pieces:
iCan’t
6. He’s broken every bone in both hands and can therefore not reply.
5. He was turned into a woodland creature by a magical fairy and was banished to an enchanted castle where there’s no cell reception:
“What do you mean there’s no WiFi?”
Carrier pigeons are also a viable option.
2. He’s the one person in the world who actually shuts off his phone when he goes to the movies.
And the number one reason he probably isn’t texting you back….
1. He’s dead. R.I.P.
I mean, one of these has got to be the reason he hasn’t texted back. It’s not like he’s ignoring your texts, right? RIGHT?!