Ladies, before you journey to your safe haven (the closest convenient store) take a moment to reflect on your most recent drunken hook ups. No need to buy your own Ben and Jerry’s ice cream this Valentines Day; you may be surprised by what the boys in your life have in store for you. Even though you might have high hopes for a Tiffany’s Box, a shot of tequila will just have to suffice.
Gentlemen, these are the only acceptable gifts. No ifs, ands, or buts.
1. The “I Don’t Remember His Name- One-Time” Hook-Up Stage Although waking up and scrolling through your texts to find some stranger’s number in your recent messages may not signal any type of Valentine’s gift, you could be wrong. Running into him the next night can turn that meaningless one-time hook up into a meaningless second-time hook up. And even though he still doesn’t know your name (not like you know his either) a shot at the bar, before, you hook up again is the only acceptable form of a gift.
2. The “We’ve Been Hooking Up for a Couple Weekends So One of Us Must Assume We’re Dating” Hook-Up Stage When the weekend rolls around, you can assure yourself that you will receive a booty call or that 1:00 am “sup” text, at the least, from your most recent and somewhat consistent hook up. Despite either one of you thinking that this is on the path to a marriage, any serious or heartfelt gift is not in the question. Therefore, a few mixed drinks will do it. And, if you’re lucky, maybe even a place to sleep (which includes a complimentary walk of shame home in the morning). What a deal!
3. The “It’s Time We Have the ‘Soooo What Are We?’ Conversation” Stage If you get her a gift, then yes, you are exclusive.
4. The “You Definitely Can’t Hook Up With Someone Else” Stage So you’ve made it this far in your relationship, you better hope he’s not still questioning whether you deserve a gift or not. It’s not necessary to go all out, but a little bit of thought is expected. A box of chocolates and a teddy bear will always do the trick. A funny card can be included too, but if you don’t have the money to spend on a bottle of champagne you better make sure that card doesn’t have an ounce of all that mushy shit.
5. The “We Just Started Dating and All of Our Friends Hate Us” Stage This relationship has yet to break your bank; no jewelry is expected this early in a relationship. However, a smart boyfriend should have made dinner reservations weeks in advance knowing that restaurants will book up quickly. When you go back to your place after dinner, a bouquet of flowers, mushy card (unless you haven’t mentioned the “L” word yet) and a simple bottle of perfume are satisfying.
6. The “We’ve Been Dating for a While So Valentine’s Day is Just Annoying at This Point” Stage After a year or two, Valentine’s Day just becomes a nuisance-but if your girlfriend doesn’t think it’s annoying don’t even think about undermining the holiday. So I guess if you’re lucky, you don’t have to stress to impress. But on the subject of gifts, a piece of jewelry isn’t required… but yeah it is required. A ring is definitely pushing it, but if you forgot the condom… maybe a ring is the way to go.
7. The “We’ve Been Dating for a Few Years and Our Friends Still Hate Us” Stage If you haven’t popped the question yet, it’s time to cut the shit. Just be cliché and give her that ring.
So, don’t waste the calories binging out alone on V-Day, have a little hope that the male species can pull something out of their asses.