This is not some depressing post about Valentine’s Day. I’m not lamenting the lack of a date or significant other, and neither should you. Rather, much like Henry David Thoreau criticizes American social establishments and policies in his book Civil Disobedience, this article is a way to passively subvert the deluded institution of unhealthy exposure to Red 40, overpriced flowers, and crowded restaurants.
Just as a disclaimer, I’m not advocating that you should spend a night in jail per Thoreau’s interpretation of civil disobedience, but I will give you five small, yet effective, tactics to passively (well, “passive” in a relative sense) protest the activities of delusional couples on an equally delusional holiday.
Propagate.
Buy all the boxes of candy hearts you can find and write anti-Valentine’s day sentiments. You can always stick with the trick of adding or scratching out a word to turn a loving message to one of pure protest, such as Be UNDERMine. (But that one’s mine, so don’t use it.) Hand them out to unsuspecting Valentine’s Day subscribers and you’ll silently plant the seeds of dissent. Except, maybe avoid giving candy to children, unless you actually do want to spend a night in jail.
Picket.
Pose a strike outside of a restaurant with picket signs, the punnier the better. For example, “Valentime to break up.” Bonus points if you make awkward eye contact with the couples sitting by the windows.
Infiltrate.
If you are unlucky enough to work on Valentine’s Day – or should I say lucky enough – you have the unique ability to infiltrate from the inside. If you work at a restaurant, only sit parties with an odd number of people. If the couples demand to be seated, pull random people out of other parties to sit with them.
Agitate.
Buy a bunch of roses and cut off the heads. Walk around the city offering free roses but only give out the stems. If someone tries to give it back to you or throw it away, that’s when you shout, “OFF WITH THEIR HEADS,” and pelt them with the rose head.
Deceive.
This one is especially effective if you can play an instrument of some sort, preferably one that’s portable. Find a happy couple and tell one of them that the other had requested a song to express his or her true feelings. When the target is acquired, begin to serenade him or her with such songs as “Ex-Girlfriend” by No Doubt, “Hate (I Really Don’t Like You)” by The Plain White T’s, or – if you want to let them down easy – “We’re Going To Be Friends” by The White Stripes. Then back away slowly and let them work the rest of it out.