My friends, I have a confession to make: I have never seen the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. It’s not because I’m offended by it. It’s not some kind of feminist statement. I’ve just never gotten around to watching it. As a matter of fact, I’ve planned on watching it for each of the last few years, thinking I could make a really funny blog post out of it later. But in my twenty-one-and-one-half years of living, I have never managed to actually sit down and watch it.
With that in mind, it is perhaps unsurprising to know that I have a question or two about the event. Actually, as it happens, I have twenty questions. And because answer-less questions are always an entertaining (albeit not entirely meaningful) way of discussing a topic, I have reproduced them for you hear: Free-Thinking Questions About the VS Fashion Show From Someone Who’s Never Bothered To Watch It.
1. Is this on network television?
2. If it is on network TV, how is that allowed?
3. Wouldn’t this make more sense on MTV? The Internet tells me it’s only really watched by extremely insecure 16-25-year-old women, and my brain tells me it’s probably watched by that and a bunch of pervy teenage guys. Isn’t that MTV’s exact demographic? Aren’t we kind of missing out on a great marketing opportunity here, MTV?
4. Why does this always take place during the holiday season? Does no one else find that weird and rather not holiday-spirit-y? Just me? Okay.
5. Do they make actual money off of this?
6. Because, like, aren’t all the outfits in the show crazy, one-of-a-kind, slutty-figure-skater-type ensembles?
7. Seriously, can you walk into the Victoria’s Secret in your average American mall and buy, like, a single one of the products from the show? My impression is all the bras in the show are $12,000 diamond bras.
8. What’s the deal with having 3 or 4 musical guests?
9. Don’t fashion shows normally just have a house band or a DJ or something?
10. And don’t other TV events featuring musical guests (hi, SNL) also basically just have the one guest?
11. Still on that topic, is it never weird for the obsessive teen girl demographic (read: Taylor Swift) and the pervy guy demographic (read: Justin Bieber and Adam Levine from past years, Fall-Out Boy this year) to share the stage for this thing?
12. Why do no other brands have their fashion shows on television?
13. Why has Abercrombie & Fitch not pounced on this idea in their recent slump?
14. Do they not realize that putting their models on a catwalk on national television would be an even more landmark event in legal network TV porn than this is?
15. In this day and age, why are we bothering to watch this when no one wins anything at the end of the show?
16. Would it not be 300% more awesome if they had a competition element?
17. Can you not picture Karlie Kloss and Adriana Lima competing for who can walk down the runway at a higher rate of speed whilst balancing a 40-pound Vishnu-inspired headdress on their shoulders?
18. Similarly, can’t you picture a behind-the-scenes studio competition wherein the models compete to see who can make the most racially/ethnically/religiously insensitive headdresses?
19. Real talk…you mean to tell me there are enough women on the planet who have bodies like Adriana Lima’s to populate an entire fashion show?
20. How on earth does Victoria’s Secret find them all?
So those are my basic questions. Please, while watching the show next year, discuss these amongst yourselves.