Ah, romance. Romance and Christmas gifts. Romantic giving. Giving romance. This is very important, ladies. Forget everything anyone has ever told you about this, like “it’s the thought that counts” or “Just give from the heart” or “Your significant other will still love you if you buy him or her something wrong.” Absurd. Christmas is about love and love is about romance and romance is about buying something so sparkly and aDORable that your single friends will want to stake your love-ridden heart in your sleep. So because Christmas is a season of charity and helping those less fortunate, here are some foolproof tips when buying something for your favorite booboo-sloth.
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1. Â Buy What You Would Love to See Them Wear
You know that blue and lime green plaid blazer you two saw at H&M and it was so amazing you considered putting down your Cinnabon in order to grab it? But then your lover-bear took it out of reach and hid it so you could never get the chance to guilt your sweetie-rhino into wearing it? Buy that.
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2. Â Two Words: Monogram A Lot
When we were little, our names were on everything. Backpacks, thermoses, underwear. Give your baby-babe a blast from the past with monogrammed adult things. Monogram high fiber cereal, Monogram deodorant, Monogram savings bonds. Your huggable-sloth will love you for how considerate you are and how much you know how to spell their name.
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3.  Don’t Think Too Hard
Shopping is hard when it’s not for stuff you get to wear. After fifteen minutes of looking, that Phineas and Ferb lighter will work just fine.
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4. Take Your Sassy-Jumping Bean With You
Don’t be afraid to take your darling-cakepop shopping with you. Remember, it’s important to get this right and your sweet-fairy will love that you take this so seriously. It also shows that you know nothing about your furry-iguana which is great because relationships are about Facebook pictures.
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5. Â Diamonds are Best Friends
Remember, you are a woman. Because you are of the female persuasion, you love diamonds. Sparkly objects make you feel fertile and fabulous. Of course, men don’t like diamonds because their masculinity forbids them from touching anything as girly as a clear rock from the earth. So if your baby-bunnyfoot is male, do NOT buy him diamonds or anything that isn’t a solid color. Of course, this doesn’t mean you can’t guilt him into buying you diamonds. It’s important to remember that the patriarchy requires him to buy you something as expensive as your love.
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6.  Don’t Create Anything
Some say that it means more to make something. With your hands. Don’t be fooled. You are not good at that. Buying something not only will look better, but your gentle-fish will be super impressed that you’re a capitalist.
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So here are your guidelines. You don’t have to follow them, but I thought you liked being in a relationship?
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[In conclusion: Do whatever you want. Don’t stress, this person likes you.]