What happens when your best friend settles with a guy that you know is wrong for her? I can’t say. But as a man, if my buddy starts dating an exit sign, I teach him how to read. He needs to get out of there. This isn’t an advice article for “How to make his best friend like you” even though you know that you both are just fighting for his attention and the inevitable reality is that you’ll end up hating him for probably no good reason other than that… jealousy has a way of making everyone painfully irrational.
I’m just tryna shell out some love for my boy Kanye…
Dear Yeezy,
I know you haven’t called in a while. I’m cool with that, you’ve been busy. Here’s a letter for the distance between us, and to let you know I have a couch for you to crash on.
Remember when I used to be the one to tell you what you wouldn’t tell yourself? Remember, Ye?
Those were the days we dropped out, registered late, and finally graduated. Sh*t man, I was even with you at Homecoming! You bailed on me for 808s, and called me a d-bag on MBDTF! Thanks for the free CDs and and t-Shirts with your face on ‘em, but you didn’t even consult me, bro. You’re not asking, but you did alright. 808 was spotty, but my man, Dark Twisted Fantasy? I introduced you to that fantasy, Ye. The fame you’re spittin’ about all over that album? Your American pipe dream? I packed that dream, Kanye.
I’m not mad though, Twisted Fantasy was tight. A little recognition would have been chill.
Here’s what we need to talk about:
Bound 2
That was your worst record yet, the music vid was trash, but at least Kim looks great.
And I’m so happy for you.
When I first heard about you and Kimmy K, I was sad for you, bro. I thought “Damn, Hollywood twisted you up.”
But I now I know that your love is real. You are perfect for each other. Remember when we were kids and you’d show me some beat and I’d tell you to sack it? You’d get all pissed off and have a tantrum? Don’t take this one like that. You told me to read Oscar Wilde when we were in school, you though he was so clever. So how about it, Kanye? A mediocre poet “lives the poetry that he cannot write. The [good poets] write the poetry that they dare not realize.” Now that you’re in love, engaged and have a baby girl, your music sucks, bro. When you are living the beauty of your music, your music fails. You’re only hot when you’re miserable! That’s what it means to be a genius, Ye. How about Aristotle saying that Socrates and Plato were depressed? How about Van Gogh’s dark twisted fantasies? How about Bob Dylan? You were on this list, a miserable person, but a g*ddamn genius. Now that you’re happy, it’s time for your art to go before you become a joke.
Someone like Kim is the only one who could possibly work for you. First of all, you both have money. This time, I’m really not sayin’ she a gold digger. She doesn’t need your cheddar for nothing.
Kim is hated. She is envied. She is mocked. She is adored. Kim has been through every embarrassment you have. Kim is everything you are. She loves herself as much as you love you. Only you can appreciate that kind of narcissism. There is no doubt in my mind that you are made for each other. You’ll be together for a long, long time.
Thanks for the t-Shirts.
Thanks for the parties.
Thanks for the fame.
I guess it’s all just family business…
Sincerely,
Jacob