Why Wait? Love, Relationships, and the Benefit of ‘Taking It Slow’

What it means to take it slow, and actually find Love.

Love. Lets face it, Love is the cornerstone of our very existence, the pinnacle around which we shape our lives, the very reason we motivate ourselves today in hope of a better tomorrow—in fact, it all truly comes down to this one thing. What might otherwise be considered as a hopeful game that never quite presents us with a tangible and satisfactory end, I am here to suggest to you the contrary. Love is out there…love can be attained…and the real thing does exist far beyond our superficial recollection of one-night stands and hookups— and, it’s better than anything else in this world. One of my all time favorite movies, The Holiday, states it plain as day, and it’s a line that I have yet to put out of my mind. Iris admits:

“I’m constantly amazed by it’s sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was also Shakespeare who said, “Love is blind.” Now that is something I know to be true…”

Alas, it is the very thing that alters and defines us, and gives us both longing for yesterday, and hope for tomorrow. Why else, do you think, we spend so much time thinking about it? Preparing ourselves before an evening on the town, a quick glance in the mirror before we hit the road. Yes, sure, sure, we all like to look great, but think really about the motivation and premise behind these actions. Buying a drink in a bar. Hell, going to a bar. Nine times out of ten, whether we realize it or not, it all comes back to this innate, human concept. We want to love, and be loved.  

Okay, so give it some thought real quick. Love has many faces. It is true, it may be found in many places. “Love is in the wind, love is in nature, love is in the eyes of our family members,”… and those who, well, love us. But, the truth is that the real selfless, his and hers, ‘IOU’, forever and always type feeling I’m getting at here is what we all should ultimately have our sights set on. And, is ultimately what we deserve. None of this other half-ass stuff will truly satisfy us in the end. Mark my words. You want more, even if you don’t realize it yet.

I’m not saying the label of a ‘relationship’ is necessarily the answer to moving forward, or that this is significantly the key to all of life’s questions, but it’s a start. There doesn’t need to be a label to define whether or not you feel something for someone, and likewise, there are no rules in place about who you adventure with and who you don’t.

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I believe in love stories. The word ‘love,’ the connotations that come with it, the confusing despair, the turmoil, the waiting, the wanting, the excitement. This is a perpetual look at the very essence of human existence, which I suppose is why it’s worth noting. Yes, the awkward moments, the uncertainty, the sheer joy that comes from experiencing a connection with another person. All of it is good. All of it is human. And all of it is worth the time it takes to get there. Trust me. These underlying feelings of elation, and sometimes even despair that come paired with this arresting emotion are often enough to discourage us, and throw us off course. Don’t let it. Stay true to the heart of the matter, no pun intended, and go back to the root. Remember what you are doing–aside from fun, of course–and why you are doing it. Ruminate and find perspective on this humbling thought.

Now, there is attraction, and then there is attraction.  Yes, attraction can and often does lead to love, but we must look at this as operating within a few fine lines. Attraction is a good precursor, a sure-fire indication… but it isn’t the whole thing. When we feel, and I mean really feel something, we usually know. And, hey, sometimes we don’t. This is why there’s this thing called ‘dating’ (I can see your looks of astonishment from here), and people often go on more than one. We’ll get to that later. So, why is attraction so multi-faceted? Simple. Because it combines both physical and emotional. This is what makes it so compelling, and why relationships, friendships, and/or intimacy is ultimately so worthwhile. Because of the two-fold nature of what attracts us to another person.

Okay, so here’s the point I’ve been dancing around. Traversing the ‘relationship landscape’ can often leave us upset, dissatisfied, and disappointed. The truth—we are doing it all wrong. This is by no means intended to throw barbs at the current operating status of us young folks in society, however, the mechanisms we use in order to pursue this very treasured and highly sought after emotion are a bit out of wack. You’ll have to go with me on this, as I am a twenty-something myself, and, living in our world today means putting aside some of these ‘old-fashioned’ ideals. But mind you, they ring true for a reason, and, if paid attention to (with a little wiggle room) they might just prove to be the ticket to even more, and even sustained happiness, down the road. Love — the real, old fashioned kind.  

There are certain things that have been tried, tested, and proved. This is, by no means, intended to imply that we can’t continue going out, meeting people, spontaneously adventuring into situations of intimacy and ultimately finding ourselves wonderfully happy about it. Because we can. It’s great, in fact, and, it is what makes living worthwhile… and can often even lead to great relationships. But there are certain things about this aspect of our lives that we ought to look at, and ought to keep in mind. My great grandmother said “everything in moderation.” This isn’t to say that if we are happy and ‘feeling’ something we should limit ourselves. Because we shouldn’t. It’s important to go with the way we are feeling—in every aspect of life.

Think about it. Why do we seek this companionship? This camaraderie? Yes, I know it’s for fun, but be it a relationship or whatever else un-“established” thing… we are all ultimately searching for the same thing. Love, acceptance, loyalty, appreciation, fun, understanding—the list goes on. There are certain ways to develop these true and lasting sorts of bonds that go far beyond the physical.

What perils our young generation is the mere fact that we tend to operate out of order. Go with me on this. We spend our time not even so much as to talk to a person, or even learn their last name, before we will release all inhibitions. Again, not that there’s anything wrong with following through with deep attraction in a spontaneous way, but, when push comes to shove, the real truth behind what we are looking for lies in the telltale, age old world of dating. Yes. You heard me. Dating. And really, truly getting to know someone. Take it a step further. You’ll be happy and amazed to find out just how it feels to make that step with someone with whom you do actually feel attracted to on a personal level. I know that those nighttime hot spots can be loud… but conversation is a great start.

What I’m saying, here, is that there is an unbelievable amount of merit in finding someone to whom you will grow close to, respect, appreciate, and even love in such a way that whatever does transpire physically, emotionally, or otherwise, has the sort of meaning, and that sort of connection that we all ultimately want — and ultimately deserve.  Love, lust, attraction—whatever else should be accompanied by the physical. And not merely a hollow outlet. The manifestation of this sort of passion that you share. In my mind, one without the other ends up being a moot point, and, physicality without some sort of emotional connection leaves us ultimately mashed up, hurt, and wanting — all things God did not intend for us to be. Think about this. At the end of the day, what is your intention? And I say this merely because so many of us are not getting the outcome that we want, and though happy for the moment, left disappointed.

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You, by no means, are required to be ‘in love’ with the person you are intimate with. I believe that this sort of thing is healthy, and that intimacy, a lot of the times, is a way in which people do grow closer over time, and really get to know each other. Heck, some of the best and most lasting relationships develop out of raw spontaneity and attraction. We are free of inhibitions, and in our purest states, which are often great indicators of how we really feel. However, we, as a young generation, have been conditioned to act in such a way that doesn’t promote long-term affection, and even more, when we are in relationships tend to rely on the physicality aspect as a precursor to happiness, when, in fact, it should be the other way around.

We’ve virtually lost the meaning behind what it feels like to actually be attracted to someone emotionally, and thus then be attracted to him or her physically. Yes, these two things often go hand in hand, but I assure you, dear readers, the combination of those two together is what it should be. No one gets there right out of the gate, of course, but it is worth thinking about.

By losing sight of the meaning behind why we do what we do, we are in turn short changing ourselves, and our true desires. In a sense, by acting prematurely and getting too involved too early, and even too often, we are alienating ourselves from the real meaning, and the real happiness we are all ultimately searching for. We cheat ourselves of the emotional attachment that makes the physicality worthwhile. Trust me. It’s ten times better when you have feelings—and I mean real feelings—for the person you are seeing. It seems like such a simple concept, but is something so easily overlooked by our  “yuppie” generation.

The physical part of relationships, and the way we understand and relate to each other, in my mind, is supposed to be a manifestation of the feelings that two people share for each other. That’s my thought process. It’s rather simple. Go with what your heart tells you, release your fears, let go of judgments, seize the moment, and let yourself feel. But, remember, when the end of the day rolls around, the true and meaningful feeling that actually makes our actions worthwhile is to connect on a deeper level. When there’s nothing else to do and no other way to convey and express this connection and attachment—this is what happens. And this is why it’s beautiful.

• bclove