As with most people my age, I love Halloween. I get to drink a lot and cross-dress; two things traditionally frowned upon during other holidays in my household. As a Halloween enthusiast, I am always looking for new costume ideas, and there is no better way to come up with a costume than to take something ordinary and put the word “sexy” in front of it. Following is a list of five Halloween costumes that I would love to see being made sexy. Ladies, take notes. Pulling off any one of these is bound to be a more potent aphrodisiac than chocolate oysters.
1. Sexy Heisenberg
Stick with me here. A bald man with a beard and an almost-top-hat is bound to be a common costume for men all over the nation this year. But a girl who can sexify this costume and offset the disconcerting appearance of a fully shaved head and a partially unshaved face is a needle in the methstack. Once your scruffy inner antihero makes an appearance at the pregame of the night, I guarantee that abounding Breaking Bad fanboys will find you “interesting” and melt in your hands. For some tips on this costume, I recommend fully shaving your scalp for authenticity and waiting to see if you can rock that Natalie Portman bald swagger afterwards.Â
Heisenberg. So hot right now.
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2. Sexy Blobfish
The blobfish is an untapped market for Halloween inspiration, and as my roommate who is an economics major tells me, “untapped markets are good.” Because of the somewhat amorphous nature of the blobfish, creative interpretation is encouraged in the sexualizing of this undervalued gem of the deep sea. Covering your entire body in KY jelly may adequately duplicate the glamorous sheen of this cute fella, while going on a Halloween bulking diet of heavy cream and Las Palmas tacos will provide you the supple curves of a blobfish goddess.
Oooh, tap that market.
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3. Sexy Kitchen Appliance
Household appliances don’t receive nearly enough love for how sexy they are. 1) They involve food, my number one aphrodisiac, and 2.) They involve food, my second favorite aphrodisiac. Additionally, why dress as the “Brave Little Toaster” when you can just go as a toaster? For maximum sexiness, I recommend going as a coffee maker, so you can drop the line “I’ll keep you up all night,” or as a wood fired pizza oven, so people know you’re down to hit up Sorrento’s later.Â
So turned on right now.
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4. Â Sexy Grandma
If there’s one thing I know about men, it’s that they have a lot of sexual tension with their grandmas. Okay maybe not, but the man you take home as sexy grandma is bound to understand your undying love for the elderly; and hey, he might even think you’re a good person. Keep in mind dressing as a relatively young grandma is just dressing as a slightly older woman, which is just dumb. Take advantage of sexy accessories such as the glasses-with-chain-around-the-neck, permed grandma hair, and something I’m being told by my roommate is called a “grandma dress.” Show your love for humans both young and old, and show those boys how people did things back in the day.
(Picture loosely related) – This is a man dressed as a grandma with a knife.Â
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5. Sexy Steve Buscemi
From Con Air to Mr. Deeds, Steve Buscemi is very good at playing middle aged male characters generally considered unattractive and possibly insane. However, has anyone really tried to dress as a sexy Steve Buscemi? As such, can you deny whether or not it would be sexy? Exactly. And by my calculations, Sexy Steve Buscemi is bound to be sexier than, well, at least normal Steve Buscemi. If you don’t share my love for this idea, just check out this website to get an idea of how irresistible you will be this Halloween if you wear this costume. Another upside of this costume is that your boy-toy of the night gets to say he was talking to Steve Buscemi all night- but with a blend of confusion, arousal, and shame.
This lucky lady dressed as sexy Buscemi and landed BRAD PITT!
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So ladies, you’re welcome. I basically just introduced you to your future husband.
And if you’re a cat again this Halloween I hope you’re filled with shame. Just look at all of your other options!
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