Learning As I Go: The Truth About the “Booty Call”

There seems to be a pattern with dating during college.  It all starts when you first start talking to, dating, or whatever you want to call it, someone new.  After a few weeks of texting most days or talking on the phone a few times, and probably hanging out a couple times, you hit a point where things can take one of three different roads.  This is that point where you seem to have some level of compatibility.  You have briefly discussed past relationships or your childhood, but things haven’t gotten too heavy.  This is a familiar phase.  You begin getting attached to the pleasant conversation and excitement of a possible romantic prospect.  This is the time things go one of the three ways: it results in a few dates and maybe a relationship, abruptly halts and the only form of contact is what shows up on your newsfeed, or someone turns it in to a “booty call.”  

If you were to ask me, I’d say that the most common occurrences I’ve seen in college are the last two options and of those, probably the last one.  Truth is, more and more people pursue the no-strings-attached route in college.  Here’s the thing, more and more girls are the ones trying to initiate this step in blooming relationships.  As I’ve seen this happen, I’ve started to wonder if this is happening for the right reasons.  Are we doing it because we are all wanting stress-free and emotionless relations or because we are craving control?  Are we simply tired of it being done to us?  As I began to dig deeper into the legend of absolutely emotion-free, stress-free, sexual relationship that is becoming more common among peers, I found my answers.

During my freshman year and part of my sophomore year, I was single.  During this time, I met several seemingly upstanding gentlemen.  We would talk for a few weeks over text, maybe hang out a little bit and eventually we began the weekly hour-long phone conversations.  Sometimes there would be a date or two and one even went as far as meeting my parents.  About a month or two would go by and things would hit that mark where it was either going turn into something more serious or not.  Either I wasn’t attracted to them, things fizzled out and we left our friendship to Facebook newsfeed, or things would be directed to the land of booty calls.  

Life would seem completely normal and then, with no warning, I would get a text at 12 am inviting me over for a movie or a couple of beers.  Let me clarify, by “booty call,” I am talking about having chemistry but no emotions kind of relationship.  These entail a couple drinks, a couple hours, and definitely no dates or spooning.  This was something I hadn’t experienced, but had definitely heard about and I was by no means stupid.  I knew what was going on.  At the time, I was not interested in that kind of relationship, so I didn’t take the bait.  What I did do was notice a trend.  This was continually happening to me and plenty of my friends.  Sure, there were a few guys looking for something more but most of the time, there was some major flaw preventing it from turning into something more.  As I observed, I saw that a lot women were opting for this kind of relationship.  Some of them were even the ones initiating it. I started to understand why.

At the time, I was in a weird position where I didn’t necessarily want a relationship or something based entirely on “getting some.”  I wanted a strange in-between.  I had just started getting over a terrible heart break and needed something to distract me that lingered somewhere between flirtation and light-hearted dating.  Most of my friends were independent, happy young women and were in a different place than me.  I started to not only notice girls were initiating the no-string-attached lifestyle, but also started understanding why.  

I saw three main reasons why women were seeking this kind of relationship.  I have to admit that the truth is, some girls are in denial.  It is understandable that someone might be disappointed when a guy you thought you like tries to initiate this kind of relationship with nothing more in mind.  This leads to plenty of girls accepting the offer, in hopes of it blossoming into undying love.  The second reason was also understandable:  control.  It is annoying when you continually begin to develop interest in people and the ball seems to be in their court as to where it goes.  It can start to feel that guys are holding all the cards and we are always waiting for them to decide which of the three avenues it takes.  We begin to assume they’ll always try to initiate a relationship and if we initiate it first instead, we have the control, even if it isn’t really what we wanted.  The third reason was the hardest to recognize and the best one yet:  this is simply what some women want.  

When I was first exposed to this whole scenario, I didn’t understand.  As I watched and experienced, I began to catch on.  Women are continually seeking equality.  Sure, we get to vote and we get the same jobs but expectations remain different for men and women.  Why was I so surprised or confused as to why a woman might want the same kind of relationship as a guy?  Why did it seem to be the norm that a guy would want a sexual relationship without a romantic attachment but when a woman wanted it, it was confusing or taboo?  It shouldn’t be.  It was actually understandable.  It just didn’t seem to be what I actually needed or what was good for me during the time in my life when it seems to be a really popular kind of relationship.  

I am not saying we should all accept those 2 a.m. calls or invitations.  I am not saying that we shouldn’t.  The truth is, we all need different things at different times.  I also think it shouldn’t be anyone’s decision but yours.  It is no one’s business but yours and just because it seems surprising to society that a girl would initiate it doesn’t mean that it is wrong or that you shouldn’t do it.  

The important parts of the “booty call” relationship is that you do what is best for you, not someone else, and that you also do it for the right reasons.  Don’t do something because you are hoping for more or because you want to beat him to it, but because it is what you want.  We are all at different places and experiencing different things.  We all need different things.  Do what is best for you.  If you’re looking for a relationship and you’re frustrated, keep looking because after plenty of frustration you will probably find a great guy like I did.  If you’re just looking for fun, go ahead and pick up the phone.  It’s time we realize there is more to equality than a ballot, it also means taking control over what we want.  We have obtained control in plenty aspects of our lives.  Shouldn’t our relationships be one of them?  Next time things start going somewhere new with someone new, you make the move and choose which of the three roads it takes and do it for all of the right reasons.

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