So… in case no one’s noticed, this Friday is the 13th.
I’ve seen a lot of scary movies (and I do mean a lot,) so I’m pretty much an expert on how these things go. Here are a few rules to make sure you see the credits roll at the end of the movie.
If you feel more comfortable pretending like the 13th isn’t cursed, well, no one’s judging you. But just know that I’ll be the one standing over your grave, shaking my head and saying, “I told you so!”
First of all, if you’re a girl, your chances of making it to the end of the “movie” dropped dramatically the moment you were born. That being said, don’t go perusing the campus at night, alone, with your cell stuck to the side of your head. This is a classic invitation.
Second, if you’re less than 100 lbs.… good luck, hon. I sincerely hope you’ve got a little Randy Moss in your genes. My suggestion to you is that if you find yourself in a dire situation, channel the fear. Submerge in it. Fear = speed = greater chance of survival = you not being the “Big Story” on WLBT.
Third, don’t be in a sorority. Oh, you already are? Well, I guess I should tell you that your role is going to be a cameo. You will be missed.
Being a hot sorority girl is even worse.
Now I know some of may be depending on your strong, adoring boyfriends to save you (because we all know your female BFF, the one you’ve been calling “sister” since grade school, would trade you for a head start if a dude with a toenail clipper even sneezed around her) but let’s assess the life expectancy of your beau. Which of these does he sound most like? And how long before you’re back on the market?
The Jock- “Hey, Sarah, there’s something rustling in that bush. I’m totally going to stick my hand in.” Dead.
The Stoner- “Hey, Samantha… I mean Sarah… is that bush dancing? You think there’s pot in there?” Dead.
The Bodybuilder- “Sarah, the bush is moving. John smash! Sarah, like, touch my biceps real quick.” Dead.
The Nerd- “Oh, my Skywalker! That bush, which is actually a shrub known as Sarcobatus vermiculatus, is moving! Accelerate to warp speed, Ultraqueen!” There’s your winner. Looks like you better stock up on Trekkies. I have the number to Geek Squad if you want it.
As a final word of advice, if you see something approaching from the dark, don’t scream at it for 30 seconds while it slowly advances on you. See those Nike’s underneath you that you bought at Turtle Creek Mall last semester? Use them. P.S: You can play MJ’s “Thriller” at 3 am if you want to, but don’t act like you didn’t see the zombies in the music video.