When I attended ASPB’s Sum of All Equals conference last quarter, of the many workshops they had, I participated in a sex workshop called “Let’s Get It On.” Many experienced, inexperienced, and curious students packed conference room HUB 355. It was a very welcoming and warm introduction since the workshop leaders had all us attendees introduce ourselves one by one by asking us to say our name, year, favorite sex position, or sex position we would like to try. (I said 69 as my favorite; you can read my bio to the right for the rest).
They then directed our attention to the walls that surrounded us, where we saw different sex categories written on separate slips of paper that were taped and listed all around the room such as sex etiquette, threesome, anal, and the G-spot just to name a few. We were all given a stack of sticky notes to anonymously write any question we had regarding the categories. Then we were to post our sticky notes with our written questions under the corresponding category, in which the leaders would pull them off, read the question, and answer to the best of their ability.
Many stickys accumulated under the categories anal and G-spot and there were many repeated questions about “what is the best position to reach an orgasm. “
But the one question that stood out to me was a sole sticky note under the category “Sex Etiquette” which was, “How many men can a girl sleep with before she is considered a slut?”
The workshop leader responded, “You become a slut only when you consider yourself as one.”
Way too often I hear many girls beating themselves up or feeling guilty because they like to have sex or they feel they have had sex with “too many guys.”
So if you have ever felt insecure about your own sexuality or sexual desires, I say it’s time for you to tell others to shut up, take the term “slut” out of your vocabulary and embrace your womanhood and the fact that you are sex goddess and should be proud of it.
So here are some words of advice so that you can start enjoying your sexual experiences without feeling any regret or guilt for them.
Love and sex are not mutually exclusive.
- There is nothing wrong with having a “one night stand” or having a “friend with benefits.” Sex itself is a natural biological need which can be shared with someone you are emotionally involved with or not emtionally involved with. However, you are bound to get hurt by a guy, feel betrayed, or used when you fall into the trap of believing that by having sex, love follows,(and then he doesn’t want to take it further into a relationship), OR that you cannot have sex with someone you don’t love. Sex itself is fun and feels good. There is nothing wrong with having fun or denying yourself something you want and enjoy. But also when you have sex with someone you love and who loves you back, it can be an even more meaningful experience. So whether you are making some good love with your significant other or just having an awesome good time, you must remember love and sex are not always tied together. You cannot make someone like you or love you by having sex with them. When you can let go of that belief, you can enjoy sex for what it is: a damn feel good experience.
A number does NOT define you.
- So we all heard that if a man sleeps with a bunch of women he’s the “stud” and if a girl does the same she’s a “slut.” The stud-slut dichotomy is merely a socially constructed holdover attempting to shame women for their sexuality and sexual desires. And from the movie, “What Your Number?” character Colin (Chris Evans) says to Ally (Anna Ferris), who is afraid to go over her maximum number of guys for fear of not being able to find her true love, “And what kind of guy cares about how many people you slept with anyway?” Seriously WHO GIVES A DAMN. Furthermore, it isn’t anyone’s damn business. If anything, having different partners provides you with experiences on what YOU LIKE and what YOU DON’T LIKE. Not all partners perform the same way and you may not always have the same level of chemistry from one person to another. The more sex you have, regardless with a few or a lot of people, just adds to what you can compare and contrast to. Some experiences can be mind-blowing with one person or down right horrible with another. Or a mix a both.
Explore and OWN your turn-ons.
- So there might be some turn-ons you personally have you might feel embarrassed about or ashamed of but BIG CHANCES are you’ll be surprised how many other people might share the same “embarrassing” turn-ons as you do! Communication is crucial. It is important that you feel comfortable enough to express your sexual desires in regards to what you like, what you are willing to try, and what you are absolutely unwilling to do with your partner to maximize sexual experience and pleasure and also to explore new ways to heat up your sex life. And say you come across some a**hole who thinks you are “too freaky” or thinks you are a slut for wanting to try those things. Never put up with someone’s let downs. You FIND somebody else who is going to be the lucky bastard that landed a beautiful woman and adores you for your own open mind and salivates at the fact you actually embrace your wild side and wants to explore it with you.
Your sexual pleasure is what YOU want it to be.
- It’s your body, your temple. You’re in charge of your own sexual experiences. You’re the sex goddess here and YOU have the power to choose who you want to sleep with, who you don’t want to sleep with, or if you want to have sex at all. Regardless of what you want, do it (no pun intended) for yourself. Make your own decisions. NO ONE should ever be able to take that right from you; not your religion, not our own physical disabilities, and not ever your overbearing parents.
So remember ladies, embrace your sexuality and own it. Only you can define yourself. And most importantly, play it safe by getting tested and investing in a form of birth control to have fun without worry.