“The good ones screw you, the bad ones screw you, and the rest don’t know how to screw you” – Samantha, Sex and the City
What is up with the male-female dynamic on this campus? These days, the hook-up has become the first step to a relationship, and the only conversations we have with guys seem to occur when alcohol is in the mix. When did it become weirder for a guy to ask a girl out for a cup of coffee than to have sex with her? We asked some women on campus about their opinions on this topic, and they had some interesting things to say. We surveyed from different class years, ethnicities, religions, and friend groups and asked that they share their thoughts on guys at Bucknell, hooking up, and having sex. We received a lot more feedback than we were expecting, so what we’ve included below is just a taste of what the women on this campus think…
Being a Gentleman
1. Chivalry Should Not Be Dead.
Offer to walk her home. Don’t check your phone while on a date or out to coffee. Don’t treat her like one of your bros – she likes hanging out with your guy friends, but remember that she isn’t actually one of them. Hold the door open. Even if she’s not carrying a stack of books, container of cookies, case of water, whatever, wait two seconds and hold it open! These simple gestures (unfortunately) take a girl by surprise and will more than likely brighten her day.
If you have a girlfriend on campus, try to remember…politeness, manners, chivalry, and caring gestures are still well-received and appreciated in long-term relationships. Being comfortable with each other is great and important but making sure you still take moments to do the little things to make her feel special makes all the difference.
2. Having “Game” is Completely Underrated
If you see a girl who you want to dance with… ask her to dance. It’s really nice when a guy has the guts to do so. Plus, doesn’t it make you feel better when she says yes? Coming up behind her is fine…sometimes. But asking is better. It’s more fun to grind with someone who also wants to grind with you.
If you see a girl who you’ve hooked-up with… acknowledge her. We get it – it was a one-time thing, and it may have been awkward. But, Bucknell is a relatively small campus and you’re bound to run into each other. Avoid awkwardness — just smile, give a nod, or say hi. We don’t have to hook up again and we don’t have to be best friends. But being mature about it is the best way to go. So guys, don’t pretend like you don’t see us, and just acknowledge our presence.
3. Don’t Get Lost in the Bucknell Bubble
Freshman year, it’s not uncommon for a guy to have many female friends – co-ed halls make for fast friends. But, as sophomore year begins, guys usually become super involved with various fraternities – the many developing “bromances” often cause them to forget about their female friends completely. In fact, it seems that some guys totally lose the ability to socialize with girls outside of a drinking context. Those few guys who still talk to girls in the library or at the Bison turn out to be a rarity as the years unfold — nothing attracts a girl more than confidence. If a guy is confident and charismatic in a sober context, they are light years ahead of the rest of the pack.
Hopefully, guys will soon figure out how to ask women on dates again. Upon graduation, there will no longer be multiple open parties per week at which guys can just get hammered and say, “hey what’s up” to some girl in a similarly intoxicated state and expect to go home with her. If they choose to stay with their current strategies, Bucknell guys may be in for a rude awakening when girls beyond Bucknell don’t seem to tolerate them.
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Hook-Up
1) Decoding the Term “Hooking Up”
Hooking up means different things to different people: some people think that hooking up means having sex, but others maintain that hooking up is just making out. Guys need to make sure they understand how a girl feels before they dive right in. A simple conversation is all it takes. For instance: is this okay? Are you okay with this? Are we all good? Definitely check on a girl’s comfort level when hooking up with her, but keep it simple, short, to the point – if all is well, then get on with it!
2) Keep it Classy
Guys should not assume that when a girl flirts with him in a social setting, it means that she wants to be taken home. However, sometimes, this may be the case. When the moment is right, guys should just go for it – girls tend to like when guys make the first move, but don’t be too aggressive. If the girl isn’t feeling it, she’ll let you know, and you can both move on. This should go without saying, but guys should always be courteous and respectful to a girl with whom they’re hooking up — girls are not as clingy as guys make them out to be, but we do appreciate civility and kindness. Girls aren’t expecting guys to be Casanova, but we aren’t your play-things.
3) Spice Things Up a Bit
Don’t overdo it on the tongue when kissing. Seriously, boys – no one likes a sloppy make-out. Use your tongue a little bit every once in a while to change it up. Suck on her lower lip every so often — it’s a good alternative to using your tongue and can often be a nice change of pace while you’re making out. Play with her hair while kissing. Major points if you brush a piece of her hair off her face and tuck it behind her ear. In general, guys should use their hands more when they kiss: hold her hand, place your hand on her neck or the back of her head, massage her scalp. Also, when hooking up, don’t just kiss her lips. Kiss her cheeks, forehead, and neck (definitely neck).
4) Don’t Be “That” Guy…
Who hooks up with an entire group of friends? Even if guys think they’re being secretive when working their way through a group of friends, just remember that girls talk. A lot. The secret is bound to come out one way or another.
5) The Fear of Labeling Despite a Lack of Options
Why are Bucknell guys so reluctant to get involved in relationships? If a guy is consistently hooking up with a girl but doesn’t like her enough to date her, then he should stop hooking up with her; no one likes to be led on. There’s always the chance that the girl is similarly not interested – in this case, well, friends-with-benefits is always an option, but why not search for a real connection with someone? More importantly, if a guy really does like a girl after hooking up with her consistently for a while, then why not take it to the next level? If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out – you’ll break up and move on. If two people like each other and hook up consistently and exclusively – why not just make it official and start dating? Why should a guy constantly feel the need to keep his options open, when one specific girl is the only option he keeps choosing?
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Sex
1. Be Prepared
Yes, you need a coherent “yes” before you do anything. Yes, you should always have a condom. Don’t expect to have sex if you don’t. Guys should use their mouths more… everywhere. Listen to the sounds she’s making and let them guide you. Also, it helps to do some homework, and we’re not talking about studying porn. Porn is not real-life – women rarely finish with a screaming orgasm, and being dominated is not every girl’s fantasy. There is a reason girls pour over the sex tips in Cosmo. We like learn about the male body, the erogenous zones, what turns guys on, and girls would certainly appreciate it if guys did the same. Learn what and where the clitoris is. Learn that our breasts are not something to be motor-boated. And for the last time, slow down. Jackhammer sex is unpleasant. It hurts, it gives us no pleasure, and you look like a jack-in-the-box on crack.
2. Sex is Not a One Size Fits All Equation
While what you’ve done with one girl may have “blown her mind”, this doesn’t mean that the next girl will love it automatically. Change positions often, change speed often, change your kissing technique, and change locations (spice it up a bit!). Listen to her. Ask if what you’re doing feels good. If the girl is silent, adjust. As one woman stated, “Be gentle! I am not a glass doll, but I am also not a toy to be rough-housed with.” Just because you keep pushing the buttons, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing it right. Bear in mind that girls are a little more complicated in the nether regions. Each one is unique – some like it rough, some like it gentle. As you try to figure out what a girl likes, ask for feedback. It’s okay to ask “is this good?” or even say “show me how I can do this better.” On the flip side, show us what to do. Just like every woman does not like the same thing, men also differ in what they find pleasurable. Show us what you like. Finally, if you haven’t found the clitoris yet – seriously, find it. If you think she’s been orgasming every time from run-of-the-mill vaginal sex, sorry, but she’s probably faking it.
3. Get Your Head On Straight
Believe it or not, some girls out there are still virgins, even if they’re 22 and graduating from Bucknell. Know this and don’t assume sex is a given if you go back to your place or her place. Also, Bucknell guys need to stop assuming girls are irrational letches who cling on the minute they hook up with someone. We are often just as happy having a casual sex friendship, too — so don’t freak out if you aren’t ready for a relationship – who said she wanted a relationship either? Communication is key; they’re just girls—talk to them! Your social and sex lives will benefit from it.
4. Don’t Be a Dick
Do not say “Suck it” or “Wanna fuck?” This is sexist, offensive, and if you still don’t get it, refer to the “Gentleman” section of this article again. Don’t tell your friends or your entire fraternity that you “banged” or “boned” us. Guys with girlfriends don’t do this when they have sex with them so why should a one night stand be any different? There should still be respect there.
We need to change the male-female interactions that happen on this campus. Not all guys act in the afermentioned manner(s). There are, in fact, some amazing guys on this campus who are respectful, considerate, and gentlemanly. We applaud and thank these guys and simultaneously encourage the rest of the Bucknell guys to step up their game. We need to create a culture of mutual understanding and regard, balanced with fun and intrigue. This is our challenge to the men on this campus. Are you ready to accept it?