“Yo, they be thirsty as hell tonight!”
Thirsty: the term that has been popping up in rap songs and undergrad dorm rooms across the nation. Kanye said it. 2 Chainz said it. That kid from that one frat who thinks he is the next great rapper said it. Yet, what does it really mean?
Let’s discuss.
But, wait. Hold up. First, let us start off by saying this: it doesn’t matter who you sleep with. Be it boy, girl, or undecided, as long as the other person consented, that is the only thing that matters. It also doesn’t matter how many times you do it. Be it every night of the week or just that one time because you had that huge exam and were looking for an F that wasn’t a big bold letter on your test (we’ve been there, too. Let it out, baby). Sex is good. Sex is great. Moving on.
Thirsty is the guy or girl who is trying to make a move on every member of their preferred sex. We are talking EVERY member. They’re the kid at the party who looks like some kind of dehydrated African safari animal desperately hopping from watering hole to the next only to have it dry up as soon as they sink their mangy muzzle into it. In more concrete words: a thirsty person is someone who is very obvious with their need for immediate sexual attention and allows that need to become the only thing in their focus, discarding all composure and general social restrictions in their effort to seduce someone. Thirsty behavior usually coincides with consumption of alcohol but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t made its way into the everyday life (like that kid in your astronomy class who thinks that the entire class can’t see them trying to hit on whoever happens to lend them a pencil that day). Yuck.
By this time, you might be thinking: “Oh no. Have I ever been like that?” Chances are yes. Most of us have been guilty of being sexually-parched at least once in our life. It’s ok, but for future reference, let’s point out some situations on when and why you are being thirsty.
Lets start with the boys:
Situation 1: You couldn’t get with Samantha, so you tried again with her friends Katie, Susie, Holly, and Ashley. Uh uh. Not only does it make you look bad, it is going to make Samantha look bad. Sarah will get mad and then go tell all 30 of her floor mates about how much of a jerk you are. The floor mates will then go on to tell all their friends and next thing you know, you’ve found yourself sexually blacklisted. Ouch. The same goes if you are trying to with a Samuel instead of a Samantha. The situation isn’t going to work out well for you.
Situation 2: They didn’t respond to your last four instant messenger messages on Facebook? Their connection must be bad, lets try again.
…NO. They saw right through that pseudo-casual, “Hey, how are you?” 3 IMs ago. This also applies to “poking,” and the fact that you liked every profile picture they have had since March last year. If you wouldn’t go up to them in public and do this repeated, incessant bothering, don’t do it on Facebook.
Situation 3: You’ve complimented their new haircut. Four times. In the past hour.
Don’t see how this is being thirsty? Doing this shows that you are trying way to hard. Why do you need to convince someone how great they are? Shouldn’t you be approaching the situation as if you were just as great, and this is a conversation between two equally great people whose sheer awesomeness can remain unsaid? Now this isn’t saying completely discard the compliments. Choose the right ones for the right moments, and you might find yourself on the receiving end of a couple yourself.
Girls’ Turn:
Situation 1: They opened all EIGHT of your Snapchats and still haven’t replied?
Stop. That isn’t getting you anywhere good. You’re running out of ways to make yourself look silly but cute at the same time and that kissy face has desperation all over it. Move on and find someone who loves/tolerates you no matter how many chins the picture you sent had.
Situation 2: You just updated your Facebook status with “I need a new texting buddy.”
Girl, this is a THIRSTY social media update. Why are you hanging a “Help Wanted” sign on your fabulous self? By posting such a vague call for company, you are making it appear as just anybody can meet the qualifications to be in your super-exclusive little black book. Let them come to you without prompting. You have enough to worry about in your pursuit of being a strong lady who doesn’t necessary need a man, let alone a texting buddy.
Situation 3: There are two open chairs right next to you, but you HAVE TO sit on the lap of someone you just met at the party because there just isn’t enough room.
Slow down, cowgirl. Save that position for the after-party and take a seat. A real seat, mind you. Queens sit on thrones, not laps.
Situation 4: You just bought the new Steelers Jersey and have already takien 3 selfies even though you have never watched a game in your life but that cute guy from psychology is a die-hard fan.
I hope you kept the tags; you are being thirsty. You do not need to feign interest in a sports team to get a boy to notice you. If you truly are interested in the game, great! If not, return that thing this instant and pick up that dress that looks almost exactly like the Givenchy one Kate Moss wore.
Now that you know all there is about being thirsty, make a pledge to keep yourself properly (yet, respectfully) hydrated. Go out there and drink those 8 glasses a day. Whether it is water or another favorite clear liquid of mine, it is always important to keep your fluids up.
From one hydration freak to another: don’t be thirsty, my friends.