Imagine this. You’re at some party on a Saturday night. You’re dancing in the basement, or laughing with your friends in the kitchen. Then you end up catching someone’s eye. You meet someone new, or end up with that really cute kid from class you’ve been crushing on for the entire semester. You chat with each other. One thing leads to another, and suddenly, you find yourself hooking up with him.
You get his number at the end of the night (or you don’t). Either way, you hooked up with him. Now fast forward to the next day. You’re recapping with your friends about what you did last night over your Eick pancakes, and you tell them you hooked up with someone. They give you sly looks. Or you’re in the café getting your Meal Equiv coffee, readying yourself for a day spent in the library doing homework. Then you see him—that guy you hooked up with last night, and all you want to do is hide behind your friend or duck your head in shame, hoping that he won’t glance your way.
In a school that’s as small as TCNJ, this scenario happens more frequently than it should. But why is it such a big deal if you see him again? And why does it seem to be a source of shame or embarrassment the morning after?
Problem 1: “Hook up” is such an ambiguous term. At the Hook-Up Culture Panel that W.I.L.L. hosted during Redefining Sex Week, many students defined “hooking up” at TCNJ to primarily mean making out at a party. However, the definition can include an entire spectrum of sexual activities all the way up to sex.
Advice: Why does it matter if the range is so wide? There’s no shame doing either, or anything in between! There’s a negative stigma associated with the term, especially for women, that makes hooking up seem ‘slutty’ or ‘desperate’ or ‘dangerous.’ But letting others define your actions or shape your personality is detrimental to your self-esteem. No other person has the right to tell you how you’re supposed to feel about yourself, other than you. So when you find yourself feeling the heat of shame crawling up your face when you see that boy from last night or if your friends make you feel uncomfortable with your actions, take a deep breath and ask yourself these questions: Did you make a safe decision? Did you enjoy your night? Did you feel in control? If the answer to all these questions is a resounding Yes, then brush off those harmful thoughts. Think back to how much fun you had last night, and just remember: you did nothing wrong.
Problem 2: Regardless of whether you got his number or you didn’t get his number after you hooked up, according to the TCNJ students at the Panel, “hook-ups get rationalized into relationships.” There’s an expectation that hooking up is a prerequisite for dating.
Advice: First of all, eliminate that expectation that hook-ups have to lead to something more. First, figure out what you want from the experience. If you decide that you like him as a person and you want to get to know him more, then contact him—text him (don’t play ‘the game’) or catch his eye and say hi to him when you see him around campus. Don’t feel awkward about it, because you never know how it’ll pan out in the end. If you decide that you don’t want anything from him after you hook up, then just roll with the punches. Don’t feel pressured by other people’s opinions. If he texts you and you don’t want him to, politely tell him that you’re not interested. If you see him around campus, still smile, still say hi, still don’t feel awkward. If your friends ask you about him, tell them that you had fun last night and leave it at that. Just remember: your life is composed of your choices and your emotions.
Let’s face it. TCNJ is a small campus, and odds are that you will probably see the guys you’ve hooked up with several times in your college career, or you two will have mutual friends. But here’s the bottom line: there’s nothing wrong with hooking up with a guy, and most importantly, you are the one who determines how you feel about it the morning after. So don’t feel ashamed about it, don’t feel the need to disclose any information about your own private life, and definitely don’t feel pressured to engage in something you don’t want to do. According to Katie Baker’s article, “Finally, Someone Says It: Hookup Culture is Good for Women,” hook-ups are positive experiences, because they “allow us to pick and choose when we want to have relationships and when we want to focus on academics, careers, or just figuring out who we are.”