Blame It On The Weekend

There are several strange/hysterical/exciting things that can happen to you on any given Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night that would be completely unacceptable otherwise.

You spend an absurd amount of money on a taxi.  The hour-long trip home doesn’t seem worth it in less than forty degree weather, so you spend the night somewhere.  In return, you spend forty dollars, but at least they send you the taxi-van.  You’ll look super cool exiting the van alone in your thigh-high boots and mini-skirt.  Other times, you ask the driver to take you as far as two dollars will go, and he drives all the way back to campus because he feels bad.  It’s okay, though, because one time you gave the driver an extra twenty.

You call your ex more than you called him during the span of your relationship.  Doesn’t he understand you just want to come over to tell him your deepest, darkest secrets that all somehow pertain to him?!  He must be sleeping, but if you leave a few voicemails, he’ll probably wake up. 

You use various things in place of toilet paper.  I’m convinced people throwing house parties purposely clear out their toilet paper before people arrive.  Little do they know, you’re using their shower curtain instead.  Or if there isn’t a stray piece on the ground (which seems totally acceptable at this desperate time to use), you might raid their kitchen for a coffee filter.  I bet they’re considering supplying some toilet paper now.

You make your social media presence known.  Remember that cute guy you made out with a few hours ago… well, ‘liking’ a few of his profile pictures seems like the right thing to do when you get home.  Now it’s off to Twitter.  After you tweet “I’ve realized it’s all about dem athlete boiz #talented #sexyy #imhungry #macandcheese #mmmm” like it’s no big deal, you remember your professor gave you a C as your final grade, and…

You cry like you’ve never cried before.  You wouldn’t cry this hard if you were the last person on earth.  But after a long night out, it’s okay to let those tears out.  You proceed to send your professor two emails, each at least 500 words, explaining why you deserve a higher grade.  Your professor will understand.

You become an all-star athlete.  Every weekend, my friends and I find ourselves sprinting to the Mason to metro bus like we’re being kidnapped.  Someone always forgets their id, keys, etc. last minute, and we learn that yes, we can jump down an entire flight of stairs if necessary.  Then on the way back our skills are put to the test yet again.  No more money on your metro card, no problem…just hurdle that gate.    

You decide you’re Beyoncé’s new backup dancer…well if Beyoncé did the cupid shuffle.  You can go to the left, to the left all night long if they’d let you.  But then you wouldn’t have a chance to show off your signature dance move.      

You eat more than you ate all week.  Calories are canceled out after you’ve danced the night away and put your sprinting skills to the test.  When you remember you ate two donuts the night before, you have never hated yourself more, but at least you weren’t the one who dipped a donut in some salsa…  Sometimes you’re lucky enough to be a stroll away from the Jumbo Slice, where you realize you don’t have any money.  Luckily the woman in front of you appears to be done with her slice of pizza, so you take a bite.  Turns out, she wasn’t done.

These are only eight of the many things you’re allowed to blame on the weekend, and no one will judge you…most of the time.