Long-distance relationships (LDR); the concept is blasted by negative stereotypes and low expectations for success. Especially with the college assumption of being young and free, attaching yourself to a guy who lives miles away may seem daunting and unrealistic. However, recent statistics show that 32.5% of college students are involved in LDRs, and with the rise in technology, that number may rise.* Maybe there’s an inkling of a hopeless romantic in many of us, where the thought of holding onto a quality guy seems worth the distance. Yet, most media focus on the factors that make it difficult to sustain an LDR, even though, success stories do exist. What do the happy couples do differently than others? We share some tips you may not have known to help your relationship last if you think you’ve found a potential prince charming.
- Avoid Casual Relationships: Don’t go into an LDR thinking it’s casual because it can get messy quickly. This type of relationship requires spending a great amount of money for visits, time for constant communication, and emotional availability. These factors may create a higher cost to benefit ratio, if you’re not sure that person is someone to whom you can truly commit.
Of course, if you are casually dating someone who’s not geographically close to you, there’s the opportunity to date other men in your town, simultaneously. However, unless you see a huge benefit to investing in this long-distance guy, don’t do it. Sure it may be a nice ego-boost to have cute text messages sent your way every so often from him or to know if you travel to that area of the country/world, you have a potential date, but there’s no guarantee of that treatment. The relationship will be more trouble than it’s worth, so ditch the long-distance hook-up!
- Tone Down the Facebook Focus: Neither I nor my boyfriend use Facebook that much for social purposes. We go out and do things rather than display every minute of our lives on the site! So, I’m not constantly refreshing his page for updates and there’s nothing really on my end for him to find, either. Instead, if I’m out I’ll tell him about it through texts or calls. Without Facebook, I have no reason to turn little things into suspicious behaviors.
Even if you and/or your significant other do use Facebook a lot, try to lessen your focus on the site and take what you see on his page with a grain of salt. Pictures and wall posts can easily be misinterpreted when you’re not there with him, so don’t jump to conclusions if you do see something that makes you suspicious. If something seems fishy on his page, bring it up with him directly, rather than trying to Facebook-stalk that girl who’s tagged with her arm around him.
- Spontaneous Communication: Talking to your man regularly over the phone or Skype can reaffirm your relationship, but random texts or phone calls are nice reminders that you two are thinking of each other. During the day, shoot him an “I miss you” or “I love you” text or make it silly like “you’re the sun to my sky.” Yeah these texts sound cheesy, but the rules of regular dating don’t apply. Since you can’t physically be close, being clear about your emotions prevents doubt that you’re not into the relationship. The spontaneity shows that he’s on your mind, and will brighten his day. Beware: sending multiple “I miss you” texts within a day may seem clingy, but using them sparingly just shows you care. Similarly, random phone calls are even better surprises. Note that you guys may be on different schedules so you may not always reach him. However leaving a sweet voicemail will still make him smile, and you can always try calling at a later time.
- Language Transparency: Being long-distance means there’s no time for silly fights. If you’re angry about something just tell him! It’s harder for him to know when you’re mad because he can’t detect facial expressions and body language. The tone of your voice may alert him that something’s wrong, but he may not always be able to tell. Just let him know and, if he truly cares for you, he will try to fix the problem.
Be honest about your heart. If you happen to meet another guy who gives you that heart-fluttering feeling, you need to re-evaluate your relationship. Be open with your partner about the situation and your emotions. Fear for hurting your current boyfriend or not wanting to be another statistic for a failing LDR aren’t good reasons to stay in the current relationship if your heart’s not in it. Honesty about attractions is difficult because you may think you can get away with it. That solution would only be short-term, and it would eventually hurt you both. Respect him enough to sort through those romantic feelings, if they do come up for another guy. Keeping an honest and open communication will not only lead to a more successful relationship, but if you do decide to end it, you will leave on good terms. Who knows,? If geographical situations change, you may end up back together with your long-distance lover.
- Have Humor: A common stereotype of LDRs is that you’re prone to “temptations” (i.e. other guys/girls). My boyfriend and I pretty much kill that notion by treating the topic with humor. For instance, if I see a cute guy at work I’ll tell him that night and he’ll joke about it like “Oh geez, I need to kidnap you” or something light-hearted. The casual conversation over the topic of “other people” reaffirms that cheating is definitely not on our minds or else we wouldn’t be so open with each other. Humor takes the pressure off and deflates the fear of promiscuity.
Many couples become extremely paranoid and really strict on their partners’ behaviors when they’re not with them. For example, guys will request that their girlfriends don’t go out by themselves, hang out with a ton of guys, or wear too revealing clothing. The truth is that none of these rules are guaranteed to make your partner loyal. Trust is something that takes effort from both sides to build. Distance, whether it be hundreds of miles or even one mile, won’t change that.
- Accept That You’re Human: You may find yourself at the mall, at work, or at the library spotting a guy and thinking “Wow, he’s cute!” Here’s a secret: that’s completely okay. It doesn’t mean that you’re cheating on your boyfriend. On the other hand, if you’re constantly thinking about this other guy and what it would be like to do more with him, that’s a problem. If this happens to you often, it may be time to reevaluate your LDR and see if it’s the best route for you. However, recognizing that someone is attractive is natural; it’s how you act on those impulses that can get you in trouble.
- Be Aware of Your Body Language Towards Other Guys: Before dating my current boyfriend, I was more flirtatious with guys. Once I began this relationship, I noticed his frustration at little things I would do, when hanging out with other guys. Body language that I saw as being friendly or outgoing, he saw as flirting. He’s not really the jealous type, but it made me check myself. Now that he’s not constantly near me, if I sense a guy’s hitting on me, I back off and tone down whatever my behavior is that seems to hint that I’m available.
There is a way to have fun without doing something that may be taken the wrong way by your boyfriend or your guy friends. Know that this doesn’t mean you can’t be yourself! Just be aware of your actions and don’t let anything go too far. Too much physical affection or coy comments can be misinterpreted by guys. You may notice that after a long period of time without your man, you crave some physical affection. Don’t take it out on other guys; instead, cuddle with that teddy bear your man got you! Even with platonic guy friends, frequent cuddling and harmless flirting can weave a tangled web for your romantic relationship.
- Timing Flexibility: First, know that you two are in different locations with different things going on so your time schedules may not always match. For instance, you guys plan a phone date at 8 PM, but he’s still out with his friends. Don’t jump to conclusions or get angry. It’s good that he’s exercising his independence instead of moping by the phone, waiting to call you. Red flags should surface if this guy frequently cancels your phone or video-chat dates.
For me, it was definitely a transition from walking over to see him after class (when we lived in the same area), to waiting for a text or call. Best lesson I’ve learned: not to wait by the phone! Do your own thing and keep yourself busy. When he’d be late in calling me, I was initially frustrated, but then realized he didn’t do it to intentionally hurt me. Life happens. If you trust your man, trust that he will get back to you or make it up to you somehow.
Second, you must make time in your schedule for him. As time goes on, you may fall into the motions of work, studying, etc. to the point where seeing him becomes a lesser priority. If you fall prey to this, fight it! Life will always be busy, but you have to make time for the things worthwhile in life, and if your boyfriend is one of them, make time for him. Plan those trips to see him, even if the timeframe is a few weeks or a few months in the future.
- Two is Better Than One: Long distances really force couples to realize that romantic relationships aren’t the only aspects of life. Whether you agree or not, the separation is good for preventing couples from becoming that clichéd “one person.” The key to a successful relationship is learning to stand on your own two feet without holding the hand of your significant other all the time. Many couples end up heavily depending on one another because it’s easy and comforting. This turns to many weekends with only each other, alienating themselves from friends and family. That’s unhealthy and will create problems in the long run. Being in an LDR prevents this issue and it’s a great thing! If you loosen your reins on him and he’s still putting the same effort into the relationship, it shows that he is serious about where you two are going.
- Long-Term Plans: This may be difficult to accomplish, but something that truly strengthens a couple is to make a long-term plan to be geographically close. If you two are working to be near each other within the next year or two, the plan becomes a light at the end of the tunnel. Many times, it’s difficult to see a future in a relationship if there is no long-term plan. You don’t have to plan to marry him per say, but the thought of living near each other will imply that you’re serious about the relationship.
Job hunt in your spare time and start making a plan. Those every so often visits are always amazing, but you may feel hopeless or confused on where the relationship is going or how long it will last if those fleeting visits are all you have.
- Create Standards (for Yourself): For you to even consider an LDR, you must really like this guy. Obviously he’s not someone you can just find in class or at a club, so put the effort into making it work. All that crazy talk that he/you may cheat and you may feel weak without the physical intimacy is nonsense. Set yourself up to a higher level. Just because other couples may have made those mistakes doesn’t mean your future is fated for doom.
- Positive Mentality! Forget the stereotypes. You’re in it to win it. The most important factors in an LDR are genuine hope and effort into making the relationship work. You can’t go into it expecting to break-up in a couple months. That’s like slowing slicing the rope you two are holding on to keep each other. Many people say that, as college students, we’re so young and shouldn’t be so serious with one person because there are so many other people who will cross our paths. But what if that one person is your one. The least you can do is give it a try; really 110% try. That romantic way of thinking gives you motivation that it’s worth a shot because it may turn into something unexpected.
As I said before, many long-distance couples do succeed in staying together. If you find someone who treats you with respect, makes you laugh, and enjoys your company (with and without the physical intimacy), but he lives a couple miles away, don’t let the distance deter you or define the relationship. If you put your heart into it and maintain a positive attitude, you may be in for a sweet surprise.
References:
*http://www.statisticbrain.com/…