9 Stereotypical Hokie Football Player Types

1. The Walk-On
This guy gets a double take in ABP not because he caught the game winning pass last Saturday and is beyond sexy, but because there is no way in hell he looks man enough to be wearing the grungy VT sweat suit that he’s not so subtly rocking. As your eyes wander over his less than impressive physique in search of a “Marching Virginians” backpack, you have to wonder if he got a good deal at the Gee Dub (aka Goodwill) on the current outfit he’s sporting. He’s a men’s medium, has sandy blonde hair and is majoring in engineering. Yeah — this guy is called a “WALK-ON,” and ladies… this is not ideal. This means he tried out for the team by coming to a practice and pays to play. That should stop after Pee-Wee league and never be picked back up again. Good riddance.
 
2. The Redneck
No need to do a double take on this one — AT ALL. This player sports jorts, a handle bar mustache and doesn’t mind drinking a baby dolphin’s body weight in beer as a warm up for a Wednesday night. Nascar races on the weekends off are a treat, as well as making love to country music to the girlfriend he dwarfs. As far as football goes—this guy can bring the pain, and provides an excellent reference for young white boys who still dream of being a somewhat decent athlete when they grow up. For that, we thank you Mr. Redneck.

3. The Prodigy
This player’s skill gains him recognition in the national spotlight, until they go to the NFL early and leave their fans wanting more. This is a fact of college football life, and I hope all these guys the best. These are the players you get pictures with in bars and do double takes when you see them out eating with their families. You try to act cool around them, even though you’re quivering in your boots and yes, you do have boots on — boots are trendy.

4. The Father
If the Virginia Tech Hokies were ranked based on their fertility instead of their plays we would be #1
every year. Holy babies. No problem with clutch plays in the bedroom. They score big every time. Touchdown.

5. The Cheater
This category is not necessarily confined to football players, but does apply. The Cheater is someone who makes a B-line after touching down in the Bowl game city for the B-squad strippers, and uses the moist spot of a sorostitute during the dry spells when Bowl season is still weeks away.  If you’re the girlfriend of the cheater you should probably not take yourself seriously, because no one else does. This athlete is very good at what he does and can easily use his persuasion skills (a.k.a. lying) to swindle you out of your panties, but beware — you will be the other girl or there will be another girl. Always.

6. The Personalized License Plate
I’m kind of a big deal. I have my name and number on my license plate. Feel free to go Google me. You’ll get my Rivals.com website picture, which you can feel free to drool over if you want. I wear Polo and I wear a lot of it. I like b*tches and h0es, and I type LYYke dIIs. I come from a wealthy family, but I pretend I live in the hood so I can retain my “hard” reputation. I’m the Personalized License Plate athlete, and yes those rims are more expensive than my car.

7. The Injured
The injured is a player who has a great amount of potential but never shines due to his ever after high ankle sprain. Each season starts with a lot of excitement and speculation as to what this player will bring to the field, only to break an arm in summer camp, or catches a case of “turf toe” and is out for yet another season. You may catch a glimpse of this player on crutches as he hobbles to class (which is not likely), but more often than not his name disappears into obscurity until the next potential seasons rolls around, right as he’s rolling that ankle yet again.

8. The Inked
This player has a lot of very stupid tattoos. Neck, arms, forehead, tramp stamps — he leaves nothing unmarked and unmarred. First and foremost every athlete has an area code that must be represented with an upmost attention to detail. Can I get a 757 puh-lease? No really can I get that permanently on my left breast, and please incorporate “Family” and a Biblical passage into the “piece of art” that you’re creating… forever. The Father, see #4, nine times out of ten has either his child’s name or their portrait on his body somewhere in a scratchy scrawl — but if you’re looking for the baby mama’s name you can stop looking, that sh*t just isn’t there.
 
9. The Scholarship
Nobody cares how many stars you were coming out of high school except Shane Beamer. Nobody. This player is extremely important to the continual success of the Hokie football team and is an amazing athlete, however he’s in the group that got into Tech for athletic performance rather than intellectual and academic success. So, when he slinks into class thirty minutes late and misses every other class because he was “traveling” and you get stuck with one for a group project, just remember to bear with him — he’s slower than your academia folk and must be talked to gently. 
 
 
THESE CLAIMS ARE NOT BASED ON FACTUAL INFORMATION.
 
This blog is meant to poke fun at a group of men who work incredibly hard, and who are so much more than a single stereotype, because most of them are multiple of these! Just kidding — these men go through years of hard work and exceed at such demanding schedules that I would not personally last a week. Literally. Go Hokies, (even the Walk-Ons) and Gobble Gobble betches!!!!