Each weekend, collegiettes™ spend Thursday, Friday, or Saturday nights (or maybe all three) crammed into a tiny Boston apartment that your friend (or friend of a friend, or the guy you met at a party last weekend) calls home. There are few things that define our early college social lives more than cheap beer, plastic cups, and flirting over a ping pong table. Unless you’re in a committed relationship (and sometimes even if you are) you’re likely paying attention to the guys that are also squeezed into the small space. And though we keep hoping that this weekend, the party will be filled with a different breed of guys, there are a few quintessential characters that define our weekend nightlife. These are meant to be in jest–so please take no offense. And if you have some more typical guys I may have missed, please include them in our comments section.
1. The guy who has already started his own business
You’re stuck in the hallway with an empty cup trying to get from the living room to the kitchen when you’re approached by Mr. Entrepreneur Club himself. While you sit in Intro To Business, this guy already has a start up/website/social business and you’re pretty sure that you recognize him from the MyNEU homepage. This CEO–in-training is still wearing his co-op clothes but has rolled his shirt sleeves up to play beer pong. Somehow he’s able to pitch you his business model, name his investors and show you his new app before you get a refill. You walk away with with his business card and a feeling of incompetency.
2. The Guy who Knows Everyone
This guy may not be the Mayor of Huntington Avenue… but he should be. Every time someone walks in the door, he yells a greeting and their name. It’s endearing at first, but annoying after you try to hold a conversation that gets interrupted each time his fraternity brother / old hall-mate from freshman year / classmate / teammate enters. Don’t do anything you’ll regret. He probably knows the editor of The Huntington News and President Aoun personally.
3. The Kid who was Dragged Here by his Friends
This guy is easy to spot as he is seemingly the most normal and well-behaved male present, but because he has no interest in being there he’s constantly texting someone. (A girlfriend, maybe?) Just because he was dragged here by friends doesn’t mean he has to leave with them. Since he doesn’t know anyone else, it’s usually pretty easy to introduce yourself. Be careful though: this guy is often pissed that his friends made him leave The Hill / come all the way up The Hill / traverse that long distance the separates Mission Hill from the world in either direction.
4. The Ratio Master
Though this guy is only a freshman, he has figured out the easiest way to get into a party: girls. He may not be a math major, but he’s figured out that a 6:1 girl/guy ratio allows his access to his favorite upperclassmen hangouts. You can spot him knocking on the doors in either Stetson looking to bring his girl acquaintances to a “really cool party on The Hill.” At the party, however, his new ratio is likely 0:1, once his escorts abandon him for guys who live somewhere without a communal bathroom
5. The Kid Who Runs the Pong Table
This guy takes pride in running the beer pong table. A few years from now he may be running for office, but for now he can only reign over a ping pong table-sized territory, and dammit he wants control. This guy won’t let anyone else touch the sign up sheet, insists on using his house rules and elbows others out of the way to take a celebrity shot. You’re not sure how he can possibly keep drinking as you haven’t seen him leave the table for a bathroom break since you got here.
6. False-alarm-cop guy
Paranoid much? This Guy has screamed “COPS!” three times and forced the party into silence twice. Now everyone is ignoring the “boy who cries cops” every time there is a knock on the door. This guy usually lives at the apartment hosting the party, and probably has a few visits to OSCCR on his record.
7. The Guy who Hooked up with Your Roommate Last Weekend
You spot him across the room and text your roommate that the guy she hooked up with last weekend is currently three yards away. He makes eye contact, approaches you and introduces himself, somehow forgetting that you watched him stumble out of your apartment last weekend. Creepy? You’d say so. He’d probably call it resilient.
The Controlling DJ: This kid had christened himself DJ iPod and won’t let anyone else touch the music. He’s been making this playlist all day and has his mix of top 40 and classic tunes ready. If you value your life, don’t touch his speakers or skip “We Found Love,” even though it’s played four times since you arrived.
The guy you hooked up with freshman year: He’s always at the same party as you. Always.
The kid who’s always trying to smoke hookah: He’s probably international..with a raspy voice.
The king of the couch (or bed) : Also known as the predator, this guy sits and waits on a couch or bed until any female sits down next to him. All of the sudden you’re stuck in his Venus fly trap and he’s trying to rub his husky paws all over you.
The shy guy from class: You’ve been in class with this guy for two months and are fairly certain he’s never said a word. Weird though, as he currently can’t stop screaming “chug chug” at his friend next to the beer ball. The awkward small talk commences, “Aren’t you in my ______ class?” … “Yeah I hate that class.” On Monday he is silent again, but now there is a smug satisfaction in knowing you know about his other, more wild side now.