Condoms!

I remember when I first saw it. It was in a cute little perfectly square package that looked like it could easily contain one of those face cream samples that are thrust towards you at the mall, except I was pretty sure packaging that guaranteed erotic thrills and pleasures didn’t contain lotion and probably wouldn’t be sold in bulk. I was staring at a condom, the legendary latex barrier of playground lore, the spermicidal equipment of choice for a penis, trapping shoals of wriggling translucent tadpoles in its bulbous tip, blown load after blown load, infallible and impenetrable like a glass door birds always smash into. A golden corona seemed to emanate from its wrinkled quadrilateral body, like I had just opened a treasure chest full of leprechaun gold. This was the motherload. The only problem was that I didn’t have anything to do with them, besides blowing up oblong balloons that were too lubricated to carry out static-related experiments, anyway. 

Nowadays I still have fun with condoms, but in other ways. But, it gets a little tiresome seeing the same old Greek-helmeted face on the cover of the Trojans, which is the kind of face you could imagine being neatly engraved on a coin and doesn’t inspire a lot of concupiscent feeling (sort of like staring at the same old prof. every day, except you don’t get to shred him up and then have sex). Luckily, there are tons of other cool, interesting, and weird types of condoms that will keep you mildly entertained for the twenty-second post-foreplay pre-coital interlude where you’re fumbling for protection.

Let’s start at the genesis. 

1.The BC Era Condoms: Not that I would advise using a piece of ragged linen as your form of contraception, unless you’re an ancient Egyptian, because this is what they used apparently. And apparently men didn’t care about feeling much more than sartorial friction over their penises. They always stress the unique fact that ancient Egyptian culture lasted, like, three millennia, which is a really uncomfortably long time to promote condoms that result in chafing and probably still babies. I imagine they were bartered in papyrus packages bearing explicit hieroglyphics on proper usage.

2. Early European Condoms: Also used linen. It was only when syphilis began striking down the sexually active around the continent that some guy interestingly named Gabrielle Fallopius re-invented the linen condom, devised to protect men (of course) against the ruthless penis-plaguing disease. Various cultures during this time period favored different materials. The Japanese liked tortoise shells and leather. Charles II of England used specially-commissioned animal guts to limit the number of illegitimate children he spawned. This probably didn’t work very well though, since lambskin condoms that are actually produced and used today don’t quite do the trick when it comes to STDs due to the porous nature of the material. 

3. The 1800s – it was a GoodYear: The GoodYear tire company also dabbled in the condom-ship. They developed the rubber vulcanization process, which makes rubber more elastic, allowing condoms to be mass-produced. Babyless sex for everyone! However, these were still of dubious quality and deteriorated pretty quickly. Until…

4. Your Standard Latex Condoms: First created in 1919 by one Frederick Killian and still in vogue today. Thin, odorless, durable. Became lubricated in the 50s. Ubiquitous in public locales, supermarkets, bars, Red Cross tents in Africa. Distributed like confetti or Fat Joe making it rain in college dorms and found in abundance in your Frosh fanny packs. Despite this, probably not used enough among teenagers and Third World residents. Heralded as the preemptive panacea for STDs. Refined, colored, and flavored in the 1990s. Subject of R. Kelly’s softly dying ululations of “oh my god a rubber” in his acclaimed hip-hop era “Trapped in the Closet.” Weirdly ignored by my pro-abstinence high school sex ed teacher, in a similar way to how they forget to teach you about the Native Americans in middle school US history…

5. The Female Condom: Sort of looks like a regular phallic condom, but larger and billowing when you hold it out, like you’re blowing nitrile bubbles through a palm-sized ring. There’s a ring on the closed and open end, and you insert the former one into your vagina to hold it in place. The other ring prevents the material from bunching up inside when something is inserted. Using the female condom allows you to have full control over the protection you’re using. You can also avoid an awkward “do you have a condom/where’s the condom/sh*t, maybe you can just pull out” exchange, so you can segue nicely from foreplay to sex, and also not have to worry about anything on your end. 

6. Condoms for the large: We all know there are some who are more generously endowed than others, but let’s keep in mind some basic National Geographic facts about large-mammal genitals. These are manufactured by a Japanese company named Okamoto for those with elephantine penises. I’m not sure what kind of imagery the horse is supposed to evoke, though. 

7. Colored Condoms: Condoms in this day and age come in all colors of the spectrum. Even the absence of color. I’m not sure if this is some sort of anachronistic revolutionary propaganda from a now-defunct American party, but: Respect. 

8. Flavored Condoms: Think Bertie Bott’s extending their Every Flavor Beans business to include a condom franchise. That probably comes close to approximating how many different types of flavors there are out there in the rubber-sphere. If you’ve always found the concept of oral sex with a condom on really weird, even if it’s justifiably safer than doing so au naturel, flavored condoms might provide you with some incentive to give prudent head. Or you might become completely disinclined to perform oral sex if you happen upon these bizarre flavors (chicken noodle soup and seal flavoured condoms), courtesy of another Asian condom company.

One Korean brand manufactures their condoms in tiny juice boxes each advertising a different fruity flavor that are so cute I would probably never even open them. These energizing condoms come with 0% calories, 0% cholesterol, 100% stimulation, and 100% excitement—hopefully also 0% babies. The nutrition label also includes refrigeration information and warns to keep out of reach of children. 

Meanwhile in Ethiopia, the US charity DTK International has launched its new coffee-flavored condom in an attempt to reduce the incidence of spreading HIV by appealing to indigenous tastes. Coffee is extremely popular in Ethiopia and seems to resonate with the population. One university student says, “It is about time to use an Ethiopian flavor for beautiful Ethiopian girls” (guardian.co.uk). This flavor happens to be creamy macchiato. DTK is the same organization that brought durian-flavored condoms to Indonesia and sweetcorn-themed ones to China. Durian is a legendarily putrid-smelling fruit that probably made STD rates skyrocket in the region. 

9. Night-Light Condoms: These glow-in-the-dark condoms use a non-toxic phosphorus pigment activated by exposing the condom to light for thirty seconds. An eerie green glow is then produced when you turn off the lights. His penis will be shining like an alien beacon in a sea of darkness, enabling him to actually see where your vagina is. Not a bad invention. The illumination lasts about fifteen minutes before toning down to a several hour-long “afterglow.” 

10. The Snap-on: The most awesome condom ever. Created for quickies in South Africa. 

11. The Spray-on: Nothing says romance like the fizzle of liquid latex hitting hard flesh. A German man named Krause who had a troubled youth trying to find condoms that fit invented this in an attempt to provide protection for all shapes and sizes. The only problem is that it takes two to three minutes to vulcanize into something usable, which is enough time to kill an erection. 

12. Warming Condoms: Most popularly manifested in Trojan’s Fire and Ice condoms. These allegedly provide a “warming and tingling” sensation for both partners thanks to the dual action lubricant coated on the inside and outside. I’ve never used one, but I would imagine it’s like smothering your genitals in Icy Hot, a vapor gel used to numb muscle strains and aches and replicates that feeling of alternating rolling around in the snow and then jumping in a hot tub.