Sam Anderson

Name: Samuel James Anderson
Birthday: November 2, 1991
Year: 2014
Hometown: Los Angeles, California
Major: English
Status: Single
 
But are you ready to mingle?
Yes, I’ve been ready to mingle since ’93.
 
I know we’ve talked about this before, but I want your final answer. What would your intro saying be if you were a Real Housewife?
God d***it. I’m like a dung pile – cold and hard on the outside, and if you step on me, you’ll really regret it. And I’m disgusting.
 
Sweet or sour?
In terms of what?
 
Food, love…
I’m gonna say sweet, obviously.
 
MFK – Philander Chase, Graham Gund, John Crowe Ransom.
I don’t know anything about these people.
 
Then just go by looks.
I would marry Graham Gund.
 
Would you really wanna live in a house he built?
Yeah, I mean our house would look like the KAC. Kill John Crowe Ransom. F Philander Chase because he’s a philanderer. It’s in the prefix!
 
Thoughts on Blue Ivy.
Um, are there pictures out of her yet?
 
I don’t know.
I’m just glad to hear that Beyoncé wasn’t wearing a prosthesis. Did you see that interview where her stomach collapsed? The name is very porn star. I don’t really have any thoughts, but I am glad that she has joined us on this planet.
 
Would you rather have to scat instead of speak or wink after you finish every sentence?
Wink after every sentence because I don’t even know how to wink and I’d like to be able to.
 
Are you a Samantha, Charlotte, Miranda, or Carrie?
I’m probably a Carrie.
 
What do you mean probably?
It’s sort of a process of elimination. I have blonde hair. My closet is organized, relatively speaking. I live beyond my means.
 
Tell me a dealbreaker pet peeve.
When people kick the back of your backseat, like in class or on a bus or in an airplane.
 
So you immediately couldn’t see yourself in a relationship with someone who kicked the back of your seat on a plane?
Sorry, that didn’t make sense. If you use too many emoticons.
 
Texting? Online? Does Emoji count?
Texting, Emoji doesn’t count.
 
Freddy vs. Jason – who would win in a battle for your heart?
I’ve never seen those movies. I can’t make an informed decision, so I’m not going to.
 
BORING. Which academic building would you get frisky in?
Do they have a projection room in Higley auditorium?
 
I wouldn’t know. Projection room – how Mean Girls of you.
That’s what I was thinking. If not that then, Graham Gund Gallery – it reeks of money.
 
You could get with Graham Gund in his own gallery! Which librarian have you had your eye on?
Um, I’m a librarian. I work at the Circulation desk.
 
So, have you had your eye on yourself?
Yeah.
 
What goes into that beautiful head of hair?
Well, my hair is not as perfect as it seems. Like everybody else, I have hair problems. So sometimes I have to stick my head under the shower and get it wet and then comb it through. But in terms of products, I actually ran out of Shampoo three months ago… so I use my roommate’s shampoo or Ellie’s and I don’t even know what it is.
 
How has your starring role in Bad Santa shaped your life?
Like, quite a bit. Every time I’m in a new organized social situation and we go around and do introductions, that’s my fun fact. And it always gets a good response. The best.
 
So, your west coast culinary elitism manifests in your love of In’N’Out – does this aptly describe your love life?
Yeah…I’m trying to think of meat puns. I’ve seen the culinary and romantic selection in L.A., and Portland, Maine is lacking in both arenas.
 
Harsh, Sam. Why you gotta hate the northeast like that? I know you wear LL Bean.
I don’t hate the northeast. I just hate New Hampshire.
 
That’s what I wanted to hear. What’s it like being a twin?
I really think that being a twin has been an overarching handicap in my personhood, but it’s also a fun fact. And I am always lacking fun facts about myself. I’m left-handed. That’s my other fun fact.
 
What’s it like to have such a cherubic face?
I accept the compliment, but I can’t agree that I have a cherubic face.
 
You’ve met your dream man, but he strictly shops at Hot Topic. Do you break it off or bite the bullet?
I bite the bullet. I shopped at Hot Topic for a four-year period and had Spongebob shoelaces that I wore with red Converse. So there’s a little Hot Topic shopper in all of us.
 
Playing the guitar and singing to you – cute or contrived?
Cute. Way cute.
 
Which band would you rather have play at your wedding – Matchbox Twenty, Dave Matthews, or Train?
Train.
 
May I ask why?
They’re probably the most relevant at this point. They just came out with that song.
 
Who would you rather have officiate – Sean Paul or 50 Cent?
Sean Paul.
 
Reasoning?
I wish there was a way to imitate his cadence in writing.

And I want the same foliage as the backdrop to my wedding.
 
Three female celebs you’d swing for.
Elizabeth Olsen, Ruth Fisher from Six Feet Under, and Britney Spears circa 2000 or 1999.
 
I hear you love to dance – what was your favorite synchronized group dance from the middle school and/or bar/bat mitzvah epoch?
Is there any other answer besides the “Cha Cha Slide?”
 
Maybe you’re too young for this, but: Cotton-Eyed Joe, Electric Slide, Macarena.
I was in preschool at that point. My preschool had Macarena interludes before lunch to get us energized or exhausted. I don’t really know what the point was.
 
If your epitaph had to be a Robyn lyric, what would it be?
“We big ballin’ in Holland, Amsterdam my man / I gotta table at the coffee shop / where we like to spark a lot / hangin’ in the parking lot blowing a bleezy / easy fo’ sheezy deezy”
 
Which N64 Super Smash Bros character would you spend the rest of your life with and why?
Probably Kirby because he has the best flying abilities of any character.
 
What famous Sams do you look up to?
Sam Kinison. There aren’t that many famous Sams. Samuel L. Jackson? Samantha Jones.
 
Would you have preferred Jake Gyllenhaal died instead of Heath Ledger?
No.
 
Interesting. Why?
I mean that would suck too.
 
Do blondes have more fun?
Yes. Am I blonde?
 
You said you were earlier in the interview.
Yeah, they do. I think it says I have brown hair on my license.
 
Closing comments?
Follow me on twitter – my username is my name without the vowels.
 
Okay, Kreayshawn.