When people break up, it seems like they always say: “I still want to be friends,” or some other variant of this phrase. I’ve never really understood this. No offense, but you were NOT my friend. Sure, we did SOME friendly activities but it’s hard to separate those from the more-than-friendly ones, and that is where “being friends” after what probably wasn’t the most amiable breakup, is easier said than done. I usually think of this line as pretty insincere. It’s just a way to make the other person feel better about the fact that: “Yes, I’m dumping you but don’t worry, I totally want to be your friend!” Their response? “Um…so why are we breaking up in the first place?” It’s a valid question considering the fact that after the break-up the person who dropped the “friends” line probably makes no effort to talk to you or keep up a friendship of any kind. Most likely, whenever I use this line, I want out of the relationship because I think you suck in some way or the relationship plainly “just wasn’t working.” In either case, I obviously didn’t like you enough to want to be around you, so I’m probably only trying to be nice when I say I want to still be friends. Most likely I wasn’t actually willing to put that much effort into said friendship, just like I wasn’t in the relationship.
Now, if I’m the one getting dumped and I’m told, “I still want to be friends” I’m probably going to be super pissed off and won’t want to talk to you let alone be friends with you. If I actually care about a break-up/am upset about it, why would I want to be around the person who jilted me and hang out like nothing happened? Doesn’t that make “moving on” kind of difficult? Maybe the person actually does think you’re cool and everything but the stress of commitment just isn’t worth it, so he/she goes for this half-assed attempt at sort of keeping you around without actually having to do any work…no thanks.
If you are able to stay friends with your exes that probably means you had a mutual and or un-horrific, scarring, or heartbreaking end to the relationship, in which case, good for you. For those of you who have been dumped, cheated on or just had to dump him for being a jerk, don’t feel like you have to stay friends because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Don’t think you have to stay “friends” to not appear (a guy’s favorite adjective to apply to girls) “crazy,” or to look like you are over it. If he sucks or screwed you over, he wasn’t boyfriend material and thus he’s not friend material either. Granted, if you go to school with the person or share mutual friends, obviously it’ll make it difficult to cut your ex out of your life completely…but there is a difference between being cordial or semi-friendly to your ex in social situations and being best buds. Staying this close to your ex might not only make the break-up more complicated and potentially confusing, but it could get kind of sketchy when maybe those feelings didn’t fade away for you like you thought they would. Take Ryan and Marissa from the OC (yes, I pathetically get my life lessons from no-longer-airing T.V shows). Ryan suggests he and Marissa should just be friends, to which Marissa replies, “We’re not friends, we were never just friends.” With Ryan replying, “I guess that was the problem then. See ya.” OUCH. But Ryan was right, after being in a serious relationship, it’s really hard to be “just friends” especially if you weren’t really just friends to begin with. If you weren’t friends before your relationship, and you want to be friends afterwards, you basically have to start over into that unchartered territory, and after all you’ve been through, doesn’t that seem like a lot of effort to make a new friend? We see throughout the O.C that when characters try to be “just friends” it doesn’t work out, especially not for Marissa…yikes. When Seth and Summer tried to be just friends, Zach saw right through this “friendship” and quickly realized he could never measure up to Seth and that Summer could never see him as only a friend (thankfully, because Zach was one of the worst characters on the show). Anyway, enough 2000’s dead TV synopses. My point is it’s ok to not want to stay friends with your exes. If you’re done, you’re done, and it probably makes it a lot easier to get over the whole thing. I do know people who are friends with their exes, which is indeed impressive, but that’s not to say they haven’t told me some awkward stories or about feeling some confusing emotions as a result of these friendships. It’s all about whether that person and that potential friendship is worth it…and if he/she is worth it, will you really be able to stand being just friends?
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at WM chapter.